Never For Granted

 All I have today is somber news.

Today, I found out that someone I know from high school has passed away. I have no details on how it happened, when it happened, etc. But it is with a heavy heart that I write this post.

This guy, he is literally somebody that I have no bad memories of. I only remember good things about him, and how he was super chill. He is someone I had made a connection with really early on in life and thought I lost him for a bit, until piecing it together that we ultimately went to high school together. It was almost surreal how small the world is.

My friend, I had met him initially sometime in the early elementary school years. We knew each other from having the same piano teacher and we met at the end of year recital, in which after everyone had performed we would all socialize, eat desserts, and just enjoy each other's company. Being on the younger side, I don't honestly recall any of what I had talked about with him, but all I know for sure is that we were making some connections and it felt like we were getting along pretty well. I remember introducing myself, and he introducing himself to me, and I remember saying, "alright, I'll see you next year at the recital". But then he must have quit piano or otherwise had to stop his lessons for I thought I would never see him again.

Fast forward to senior year of high school. A long while later, I know. I happen to switch out of a horticulture class because I had a strong dislike for some of my classmates and I didn't want to suffer. So I switched to forensic science, which I honestly thought to be a lot more enjoyable. For the majority of the year, I just saw him as a friend of my friends, to which I would befriend because similar circles. I never really thought much of it aside from "hey this guy's pretty cool and we share a class together". It would come to some point in which I was re-watching "home videos" of which included the piano recital the same year I had initially met him. I remember watching that video and hearing the teacher call his name out. And I sat there thinking, "there's no way that that is a coincidence. But I guess a name is just a name." As I pondered it more and more, it eventually became a question I just had to ask to see if it was coincidence or if it was him. So I ask him one day, "hey, really random question but did you ever take piano lessons?" At first he was kind of confused. I mean who wouldn't be? It's a question you don't really get asked unless someone hears you talk about it. Much less how does piano lessons casually appear in conversation? He answers saying he used to but stopped after a little while. I decided to press on, and I asked him who his teacher was, and he mentioned the same name of my teacher that I had all those years. I then told him why I was asking because I had watched that video. And the look on his face as he made the connection and realized that we had met, many years before. It was like finding a lost friend. It was like finally finding that one thing you've been searching for but gave up on looking, and then it turns up when you least expect it.

We had a good laugh about it and were equally baffled by how we were able to reconnect so many years later. I mean people come and go, sometimes you don't keep with being friends with someone, and sometimes you just fall out of contact with. I mean even after that reconnection I hadn't really been in much communication with him over the last 4 years, but it was still nice back then.

So where does that leave me now? Honestly, I have no clue. I'm in a strange place. I never really talked to him outside of class, never got to hang out with him, and as I mentioned after the recital, or even after senior year of high school, there were years in which we didn't talk. Not because of a dislike, but just because we never got the chance to be close friends.

He was a good-natured guy. Intelligent and caring. He would be so welcoming of others and he was very easy to make friends with. He was a good, honest man. I'll miss him, even despite the minimal contact we had over the years.

I know you cannot read this, but this one goes out to you, Mike. You're a great guy, and you were an awesome friend from those short spurts I had been in your life. Rest easy, bro. I hope to see you some day and we can do more than just the very occasional talks. The world be a lot dimmer without your brightness.

Extent of Love

 There was this TikTok that I saw (man what's it with me and writing posts about TikToks lol), to which I will link here: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeFQBsKF/

This one talks about how sometimes there is a person that you once had in your life and now you just don't talk to them anymore for whatever reason it may be. And from the context of the video, it seems to be referring to someone who was at the very least close in relation.

There is mention of how sometimes you just go check up on this person, but not directly. You would try to search through social media accounts or ask their friends about them (or mutual friends even). And then it continues on saying how there is a tiny part of you that wishes they weren't doing well without you, but then a stronger and larger part of you that wishes the best for them because you once loved them and you care about them. Because sometimes it's just something that you wish you could be in contact with them and just share the happiness together. But life just doesn't work out that way sometimes.

Why do I talk about this? Well, I guess it must be obvious, but in case you're new here, just over a year ago I had gotten close with someone and that was the first time a girl had liked me back. And I was joyous, full of happiness, just living the dream. It had been great for about a month, maybe a month and a half. Then I unexpectedly had to put schooling on pause (I met this girl at school in Virginia, which is about 452 miles away from home) because I hadn't performed the best academically. At first we tried to still make it work. I was going to get a job, and then I could make weekend trips to hang out and make the most of it.

Then it happened.

She decided for herself that we weren't meant to be together, and it absolutely broke me. I went to dark places with my emotions, lashing out at everyone and ruining more than just one friendship. Then I would go on for the next 7-8 months, just numb to the world and my own feelings and emotions. I suppose lucky for me that I found a job because then the pandemic started and I have no idea what I would be doing if I hadn't started before it. Would I have just sat at home doing nothing for the greater part of last year?

For the first few months, I had written so much here on this blog, trying to work out my inner thoughts and feelings, trying to cope with it all and trying to see if there was any shred of hope to salvage it. It was efforts that turned out to be fruitless. Sometimes you just can't save things and that's okay. But I hadn't known that at first, because I kept on trying and trying. We had gotten incredibly close in that short time frame when things were good. Maybe a bit too fast, but we had eventually gotten to saying "I love you" to one another, and having pet names for each other. So you could see why it hurt. If nothing else, just losing the first chance at a relationship I had, after all for whatever reason all through high school up to present I had been trying and trying to find a girlfriend. Now I am 19 crushes and 9 rejections deep so to speak (I guess statistically that's not too bad considering that data set ranges from 2014 to present, so 7 years).

Maybe it's because I re-watched a clip from Batman Begins that I wrote about a long time ago, about how the grief becomes so great, that the guilt and the anger just strangle you from the inside and how it turns any memory of a loved one into poison within the veins. That you begin to wish that that person never existed in your life so that you wouldn't have to feel these feelings. (Ra's al Ghul talking to Bruce and trying to find out why Bruce had buried all his guilt of his parents' murder under anger). Ultimately, I had some of the same feelings: there was a point where I wish she didn't exist so that I wouldn't have had those months on months of heartbreak and sorrow. But I did learn a lot about myself, about what it means to care for another, and what relationships entail and it's not just "we're boyfriend/girlfriend", that it's a commitment to one another to care, to love, to support, to be there through thick and thin. To be a ride or die. And sometimes it just falls apart because it wasn't meant to be.

So between re-watching that clip and seeing that TikTok about 2 days ago when it was initially posted, I had also found myself searching for how she's doing. She seems to have either blocked me on every platform or deleted every social media account as she's not traceable anywhere it would seem. But I know that she's doing well because a mutual had a Minecraft server that included her and some other friends, so she must be happy and doing well.

It is reassuring to know that things are okay and things will be okay. That all of this, while I did say that I was going to leave it in 2020, will sometimes resurface because it is a part of my past. It is part of what shaped me and what forged me into the man that I am today. I have a lot of learning to go and to just try to not accept it and pretend like it was all for nothing is not a wise decision either. Whatever the case may be, I would like to think I am at peace and that these clips or TikToks or whatever are there when they are supposed to be there, so that I may examine myself and learn, as well as know that it will all be okay even if it hurts every now and then.

I suppose maybe I see myself a hopeless romantic. That I feel that I have so much love to give but no one to give it to. But I know that some day I will take all that I've learned from all of these so called "failures" and rejections, and be able to pour out my love to someone who is truly special. So here's to trekking onwards and upwards towards greatness and finding that better life, with all of my lessons and experiences under my belt.

Mental Deterioration?

 I think that for the most part social media is most definitely not a good place nor a good source to be getting information from (even though many people do use the platforms to get most of their "knowledge". I personally think it's an excellent place to at least learn of something, but you won't learn about everything on a topic, subject, etc. based off of a post on social media.

However, with that being said, I was on TikTok earlier today and I saw one that was with an audio mostly to the tune of MC Hammer's "Can't Touch This", but instead of saying "can't touch this" someone dubbed over it saying "red flag". Continuing on, this one video ultimately had 4 different signs that someone is suffering from mental deterioration. Of course as I mentioned earlier, social media is not the be all end all for information on a topic, so I should take it with a grain of salt so to speak.

With that being said, here are the 4 signs that someone is deteriorating mentally: sleep troubles, easily irritated, eating too much/little, and social withdrawal.

Now I suppose that maybe those could just be results of a high stress environment/day and it just affects the entire person. I.e. when stressed cortisol is released, but most of the stress in the modern day isn't from a predator, it's from forces that don't require a physical response (usually running). I believe I read somewhere that elevated levels of cortisol increase chances of eating more/very calorie dense foods which could fall under the eating too much. High cortisol levels also can disrupt sleeping patterns, which can ultimately affect overall mood. I do suppose though that being very stressed out can burn someone out mentally.

Why am I talking all about this all of the sudden? Well, that would be because as I watched that video, I was wondering if that is the case for me. Am I breaking down mentally, slowly but surely, or maybe even faster than I realize and I just make jokes about it because it's funny to laugh at oneself? I'll break it down based off of these 4 signs.

Sleep Troubles: So far I don't think I've really had issues sleeping because I normally get just barely enough (about 6.5 hours) to function, and I can usually fall asleep easily enough or sometimes before I plan to. I should probably just put the phone down and not watch TikToks until 11:30 most nights and that would help haha

Easily Irritated: Honestly this just might be part of who I am and who I've been all these years, but maybe it is true that I'm experiencing elevated levels of it and when a small thing goes wrong I start fuming. There have been recent-ish instances of where something menial such as an impatient customer at work, or something with poor scheduling/arrangements of the team at work, and I get into a moment of just frustration and anger. I don't lash out necessarily, I'm mostly just grumbling to myself and thanks to the masks, no one can tell. Although I suppose I should work on not even doing that.

Eating Too Much/Little: I don't particularly think I eat that much considering I work on my feet for pretty much the whole 8 hour shift, save for a 30 minute lunch break and any time that I finish my morning responsibilities before we open the doors. Between that and now that I go to lift weights at the gym 3 days a week, I would think I'm eating just enough for what I do. I usually eat 2,500-3,000 calories a day, which is a considerable amount, but I wouldn't say it's in the "too much" range, nor is it "too little". Although in comparison, my family members eat 2,000, if that much.

Social Withdrawal: Honestly I'm uncertain on this one, I only think of it because I recently removed myself permanently from a discord server that I used to be on pretty much every day (they even banned me because of some misconception that I was the sole offender, which I'll admit I had my wrongs but for them to act as if they had nothing to do with it and be all innocent is ridiculous). Between that and not really hanging around after my shift ends to talk to coworkers like I did for the majority of the past year, does that count as social withdrawal? I mean on the one hand it's simply that I need to change my time tables so to speak because I now have scheduled workout times (because of the pandemic restrictions), I have 16 credits of community college, all on top of my full time job.

In some regards, maybe I am deteriorating, but that would definitely need to have more research/information gathering completed and not just base it off of something I saw on TikTok. The only thing that I could think that would be in favor (so to speak) of deterioration is that sometimes my memory isn't as sharp and I stutter occasionally because I can't remember the right word to continue my sentence. Well, I would remember it, but then I can't say it for some reason, which could simply just be long day time hours and not enough rest.

All in all, I guess it's ultimately just something to keep in mind and just watch and see if things get "worse" and if they do, then I'll need to find ways to take my foot off of the gas pedal.

Through The Fingers

 Have you ever tried to pick up a handful of sand, gravel, salt, sugar, or anything that is very tiny in its individual form? Have you ever successfully picked up every last grain, morsel, piece? No no, I mean every single bit? The answer is no, because some of it just slips through the cracks of the fingers since the hand is not one singular piece such as a scoop or a spoon.

For some reason, I'm just realizing how much time has been slipping through my hands as if it were sand. That somehow the days blur together, the weeks become repetitive (to a certain extent) and next thing I know whole months pass, or even as I think about it, a whole year passes without much thought. I honestly cannot really remember all too much about 2020.

I was looking at the calendar and I noticed that it's already February 18th. That means that this month is only 10 days away from ending already, and it feels like it was just yesterday that we were saying "wow it's February already" and then just the day before that (as it feels) that we were saying, "Happy New Year". The effect compounds when I realize it's been longer than 1 year since I last stepped foot on Liberty's campus, and even longer since I was last there as a student. Side note, I am half-considering going back to Liberty to finish a bachelor's once I complete my time at community college now. But then I have other logistics to consider such as do I want to go that far for school again, and if I do, do I want to submit myself to the rules of the residential life?

As February marches onwards towards ending sooner rather than later (as we're greater than halfway through), it leads me to remembering how it was just about a year ago that there was no such thing as the pandemic, at least not in the United States. That there was freedom in not having to abide by social distancing or face covering/mask wearing (or double mask wearing for some people). And then I begin to wonder about how things were different a year ago even on this blog.

Without getting too caught in the heaviness that was February 2020 and this blog, I will note that I did write 69 posts (nice) in the month. Granted the month did have 29 days being a leap year, but still that is a lot of posts. I was going through a lot, and I apparently wrote a lot and spent a lot of my time on the blog to cope and articulate my thoughts and my feelings. That's an average of 2.37 posts per day. What could I possibly have had to write so many individual posts about?

So as to move on from that, a different point I had noticed was that it was supposed to be like a "hurrah" that I celebrated my 21st last year, as 21 marks the legal drinking age and most Americans live it up (I certainly did, even at home by getting myself 6 shots deep in 40 minutes with lunch mixed in there somewhere). But then it just feels like that was a lifetime ago, and while it's still 5 months out, I'm already facing the fact that I'll be 22 soon enough. I don't feel my age, and I certainly don't act my age.

Or even the other night, we were re-watching a vlog that my brother made of our 2017 family vacation to Phoenix, Arizona as a big trip to celebrate my graduation of high school. It was to be grand and joyous (which is definitely was) but that feels like an eternity ago if just 7 months was a lifetime. I mean sure that means we are already coming up on 4 years since that trip, but where did those years go? On top of that, back then I had barely any ability to grow facial hair (although I guess I'm not too much better off nowadays, but I got the "chinstrap" some right below the lip on the chin, and a moustache of sorts growing, which is way more than the few rogue strands over the corners of my mouth that I could have had back then) and so the whole vlog was of me with a clean-shaven face. I also had one of my older hairstyles that I have since phased out by 2 styles now (well maybe 1 one style as I got an undercut or whatever, and now I've still got that same undercut, but I push the hair backwards as opposed to a side part). I've also changed my glasses so the frames probably add to the look, but my family members say that in the vlog I look 10 years younger. I'll have to add some pics side by side for comparison:

Okay so the top one is before I started styling the hair back, the mid one is an older picture but with the clean shaven face, and this last one is just a quick selfie I grabbed now which doesn't exactly show the full facial hair, hence why I have that first one from January 4th.

I do know that when the comment was made that I look 10 years younger without the facial hair that I made a joke about how Jersey Mike's (my place of work in case you didn't know) had changed me over the past year that I've worked, especially so with how I got thrown in and fast-tracked to shift leader and opening 33.52% of the total openings that were available in the first year of the store's existence. While that percentage is just barely above one third, things to note are that I didn't start opening until 4 months down the pipeline, and that there were at least 6 different people who have done openings, so even if it were an even split of openings (which it wouldn't seeing as 2 of them are the managing staff) that'd be 11.08% each. So I take the cake of most opens by a large margin.

Yeah I get it that I should be grateful for my job and how it's helped to fill a lot of the time over the past year, as well as give me some money to play with and mostly to start saving for my future as I've never really held a job down aside from the infrequent summers that I would work for my dad (so I'd be rich in the sense that I had everything provided such as clothes, phone, a car to use, etc.) but I would be broke in the sense that I didn't have any money of my own to buy whatever I wanted.

I suppose after all this long-windedness, I'm trying to say that time has flown by way faster than I could've imagined. That I'll be taking another step into my 20's, and another step towards adulthood. That I'll be reattempting to obtain a degree and find a better living for myself as I don't see myself working in foodservice forever. It's just crazy how long it has been since some things have happened. This is why I really want to get on top of my quoting of enjoying every moment since you never know when the good times happen. You only know when the good times are the good times because they have passed and there's a small, rough patch that makes you yearn to go back.

KENOBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

 Kenobi...….. KENOBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Well okay, enough of the screaming and yelling, but there is some pertinence to it, so with that being said, let's dive right in, shall we?

So as you may know, about a year ago there was some rough hiccups in multiple friendships that left the majority of 2020 to be a time of feeling empty, feeling alone, feeling numb to the world. Because in those hiccups 2 best friends had been lost to the ages, or at least so it would seem. One of them was a best friend of 2 1/2 years, so naturally that would hit hard and hit home very quickly and very easily once the initial waves of anger and adrenaline have washed out of the system (albeit taking a long time before those waves washed out). Not many people would ever rekindle a friendship after something so dramatic and ridiculous (in hindsight). But the keywords are "not many", meaning that there are occasionally some instances where it is indeed possible.

Luckily for me, I got that small percentage of rekindling one of the friendships I had lost. And yes, I am aware that I have made at least one, if not two, blog posts talking about this friendship I have managed to regain. But this is a friendship that I not only am back on talking terms with, but even in voice calls and playing video games with. That is something I hadn't done since before the incident.

What does Kenobi have to do with this? Well tonight I had the privilege of playing Battlefront 2 (the newer release by EA) for the first time and I was playing it with this friend. It was nice to just talk and chat with him as we gamed and it felt just like old times. It was a lot of good fun and I'm glad I got the chance to be able to play. It almost invokes a sense of nostalgia because it just seems so far away and so long ago that I was at Liberty and that I was rooming with him and playing games with him to ungodly hours (sure today wasn't to a very late time, in fact it was a very normal time to be awake and playing video games haha. Then again a lot of things have changed and we're both working adults now so we can't be as irresponsible as before). Whatever the case may be, it felt good and feels good to be back at it.

This isn't too much of a "serious" post so to speak, at least not in comparison to how many of my other posts have recently been, but that's okay because there shouldn't be some requirement to be 100% serious all the time. If we cannot step back every now and then and just be goofy or have fun times, then what's the point to living? To drone on day by day doing similar enough tasks to be repetitive over the course of a long period of time? Not if I have anything to say about it. Of course sometimes life can get rough and may require that kind of living and lifestyle, but for the moments that I can seize to relax and let loose, you'd best bet your bottom dollar that I'm going to be doing that.

At the end of the day, I technically don't really know how many more times I'll have a common enough time off to sit down and play games with this friend. So I want to make sure I remind myself to just enjoy it for every minute that may come. I always talk about enjoying every moment because you'll never know when the "good times" are as they typically are long past when you realize that they were the "good times". What I do hope to happen is that maybe I can reconvene and hang out with him in person some day, but we'll see where life takes me and where things go. After all, I'm just glad I've got my friend back even though the whole world probably knows that I don't deserve the second chance. So if this is the second chance (honestly probably third or fourth chance if we're being real) then I'll do my best to make sure there is no need to be offered new chances.

February 2021

It's now February (already). That means two things, and leads to a third.

First: It's been almost 2 years since I started this blog, and while I have a long ways to go before reaching my peak and reaching the maximum of my own potential, I've definitely come a long and far way since starting. The earliest posts are nonsense (mostly) with some good posts written out in there. There was a lot of immaturity and vulgarity and just shows that I was lackluster in the filtration department. I would put people on blast (still occasionally have done that, but I'm trying to not do that as much, give me more time haha) and I can't say I was ever in a really good position for anything.

Second: Like the last post mentioned, we're coming up on 1 year since everything went awry with the "Batpham". It's been quite a year to say the least, I've learned a lot about myself and how my actions are very much volatile when my emotions are on the rise, be it denial, anger, sadness, etc. That I can do way more damage with my words than my physical strength could ever allow for. That I can push people away with some "well-placed" words (I put that in quotes because that's not supposed to be a good thing, but that's the best way I could describe it as). That after my emotions settle, I can and will realize the true weight of my own words and spend literal months trying to cope with the facts of what happened, and trying so hard to make amends where amends cannot be made, at least not forced. I would also learn a lot from working (as I am also coming up on 1 year of full-time work) that I need to be a team player sometimes, that I need to learn how to develop my interpersonal skills between coworkers and difficult customers (most customers are pretty good so it's not like I am constantly trying to grind against a tough one, but there are some and that's where the challenging points arise). I've gotten to see the rises and falls of various coworkers and really get to watch and learn from the sidelines of who people really are over time.

So what does this all mean and what is the third thing I mentioned?

The third point is that what will I do? Where will I go, how will I apply what I have learned about myself in these last two years? Will I stand idly by and let things become cyclical and repeat these two years over and over until my body one day gives out and I depart this world? Or will I take it all in stride, accept things for the way they were, the way they are, and the way they will always be, and learn from it? Learn from it and become a better person, to be more than I ever thought myself to be.

I once held a higher standard for myself when I initially created my Batman alter-ego. I lost all of that as I watched myself tear things down to ground zero, and then I sat motionless in the rubble and debris of my own destruction for months as I numbly went to work every day and just bided my time. I mentioned time and time again "I will rise back up to where I was" and then I would fall again, to repeat that cycle over and over. Will I ever actually amass to that level I held myself oh so strictly to? Maybe. It will definitely be a challenge as I need to find what there is in life that I want to dedicate my time and energy to; to find something that I deem to be worth fighting for.

I don't want to mope around any longer about what I had "lost" with that one major event emotionally in 2020. I want to just learn from it, and I think it's about time I just let it all go. To just be thankful for the times that I had. All of the good memories I had been blessed to have with them, and all of the fun that was had. I'm not going to do any more of that "hopefully they will see it the same" because at the end of the day I am only in control of how I feel about the situation, and I cannot force them to do anything, nor change their minds. One seems to have remembered the good and there's some semblance of what we once had, prior to that friend group. The other? Well, I wish her well. There's nothing more I can do, except I will just leave her in the past, but with the door open should things somehow come around. I'm not going to count on anything to come around, because there is a whole life ahead of me.

I cannot and will not wait for anything or anyone in my past who has come and gone to return again. Because that's just life. Some people are only meant to be in yours for a certain time period and then it's time to move on and find the next thing, the next step in life. There's no second chances (in reality) and if a second chance is ever provided, then it's best to seize it and make for a better run than the first time that led to the second chance (because let's be real, you would never need a second chance if you never broke the first chance).

With all that being said, I will make the most of 2021. We may still be knee or even head deep in a pandemic, but I'm not going to focus on the bad. Because if I direct my focus on the bad or even the sad, then I will continuously find bad things and sad things that will dampen my year and lead to a repeat of those months of sadness I had experienced previously. I will actively choose to focus on a good thing, no matter how big nor how small it may be. One or two good things a day and then let the momentum carry me on towards bigger and greater things.

2021, let's do this.