Extent of Love

 There was this TikTok that I saw (man what's it with me and writing posts about TikToks lol), to which I will link here: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeFQBsKF/

This one talks about how sometimes there is a person that you once had in your life and now you just don't talk to them anymore for whatever reason it may be. And from the context of the video, it seems to be referring to someone who was at the very least close in relation.

There is mention of how sometimes you just go check up on this person, but not directly. You would try to search through social media accounts or ask their friends about them (or mutual friends even). And then it continues on saying how there is a tiny part of you that wishes they weren't doing well without you, but then a stronger and larger part of you that wishes the best for them because you once loved them and you care about them. Because sometimes it's just something that you wish you could be in contact with them and just share the happiness together. But life just doesn't work out that way sometimes.

Why do I talk about this? Well, I guess it must be obvious, but in case you're new here, just over a year ago I had gotten close with someone and that was the first time a girl had liked me back. And I was joyous, full of happiness, just living the dream. It had been great for about a month, maybe a month and a half. Then I unexpectedly had to put schooling on pause (I met this girl at school in Virginia, which is about 452 miles away from home) because I hadn't performed the best academically. At first we tried to still make it work. I was going to get a job, and then I could make weekend trips to hang out and make the most of it.

Then it happened.

She decided for herself that we weren't meant to be together, and it absolutely broke me. I went to dark places with my emotions, lashing out at everyone and ruining more than just one friendship. Then I would go on for the next 7-8 months, just numb to the world and my own feelings and emotions. I suppose lucky for me that I found a job because then the pandemic started and I have no idea what I would be doing if I hadn't started before it. Would I have just sat at home doing nothing for the greater part of last year?

For the first few months, I had written so much here on this blog, trying to work out my inner thoughts and feelings, trying to cope with it all and trying to see if there was any shred of hope to salvage it. It was efforts that turned out to be fruitless. Sometimes you just can't save things and that's okay. But I hadn't known that at first, because I kept on trying and trying. We had gotten incredibly close in that short time frame when things were good. Maybe a bit too fast, but we had eventually gotten to saying "I love you" to one another, and having pet names for each other. So you could see why it hurt. If nothing else, just losing the first chance at a relationship I had, after all for whatever reason all through high school up to present I had been trying and trying to find a girlfriend. Now I am 19 crushes and 9 rejections deep so to speak (I guess statistically that's not too bad considering that data set ranges from 2014 to present, so 7 years).

Maybe it's because I re-watched a clip from Batman Begins that I wrote about a long time ago, about how the grief becomes so great, that the guilt and the anger just strangle you from the inside and how it turns any memory of a loved one into poison within the veins. That you begin to wish that that person never existed in your life so that you wouldn't have to feel these feelings. (Ra's al Ghul talking to Bruce and trying to find out why Bruce had buried all his guilt of his parents' murder under anger). Ultimately, I had some of the same feelings: there was a point where I wish she didn't exist so that I wouldn't have had those months on months of heartbreak and sorrow. But I did learn a lot about myself, about what it means to care for another, and what relationships entail and it's not just "we're boyfriend/girlfriend", that it's a commitment to one another to care, to love, to support, to be there through thick and thin. To be a ride or die. And sometimes it just falls apart because it wasn't meant to be.

So between re-watching that clip and seeing that TikTok about 2 days ago when it was initially posted, I had also found myself searching for how she's doing. She seems to have either blocked me on every platform or deleted every social media account as she's not traceable anywhere it would seem. But I know that she's doing well because a mutual had a Minecraft server that included her and some other friends, so she must be happy and doing well.

It is reassuring to know that things are okay and things will be okay. That all of this, while I did say that I was going to leave it in 2020, will sometimes resurface because it is a part of my past. It is part of what shaped me and what forged me into the man that I am today. I have a lot of learning to go and to just try to not accept it and pretend like it was all for nothing is not a wise decision either. Whatever the case may be, I would like to think I am at peace and that these clips or TikToks or whatever are there when they are supposed to be there, so that I may examine myself and learn, as well as know that it will all be okay even if it hurts every now and then.

I suppose maybe I see myself a hopeless romantic. That I feel that I have so much love to give but no one to give it to. But I know that some day I will take all that I've learned from all of these so called "failures" and rejections, and be able to pour out my love to someone who is truly special. So here's to trekking onwards and upwards towards greatness and finding that better life, with all of my lessons and experiences under my belt.