February 2021

It's now February (already). That means two things, and leads to a third.

First: It's been almost 2 years since I started this blog, and while I have a long ways to go before reaching my peak and reaching the maximum of my own potential, I've definitely come a long and far way since starting. The earliest posts are nonsense (mostly) with some good posts written out in there. There was a lot of immaturity and vulgarity and just shows that I was lackluster in the filtration department. I would put people on blast (still occasionally have done that, but I'm trying to not do that as much, give me more time haha) and I can't say I was ever in a really good position for anything.

Second: Like the last post mentioned, we're coming up on 1 year since everything went awry with the "Batpham". It's been quite a year to say the least, I've learned a lot about myself and how my actions are very much volatile when my emotions are on the rise, be it denial, anger, sadness, etc. That I can do way more damage with my words than my physical strength could ever allow for. That I can push people away with some "well-placed" words (I put that in quotes because that's not supposed to be a good thing, but that's the best way I could describe it as). That after my emotions settle, I can and will realize the true weight of my own words and spend literal months trying to cope with the facts of what happened, and trying so hard to make amends where amends cannot be made, at least not forced. I would also learn a lot from working (as I am also coming up on 1 year of full-time work) that I need to be a team player sometimes, that I need to learn how to develop my interpersonal skills between coworkers and difficult customers (most customers are pretty good so it's not like I am constantly trying to grind against a tough one, but there are some and that's where the challenging points arise). I've gotten to see the rises and falls of various coworkers and really get to watch and learn from the sidelines of who people really are over time.

So what does this all mean and what is the third thing I mentioned?

The third point is that what will I do? Where will I go, how will I apply what I have learned about myself in these last two years? Will I stand idly by and let things become cyclical and repeat these two years over and over until my body one day gives out and I depart this world? Or will I take it all in stride, accept things for the way they were, the way they are, and the way they will always be, and learn from it? Learn from it and become a better person, to be more than I ever thought myself to be.

I once held a higher standard for myself when I initially created my Batman alter-ego. I lost all of that as I watched myself tear things down to ground zero, and then I sat motionless in the rubble and debris of my own destruction for months as I numbly went to work every day and just bided my time. I mentioned time and time again "I will rise back up to where I was" and then I would fall again, to repeat that cycle over and over. Will I ever actually amass to that level I held myself oh so strictly to? Maybe. It will definitely be a challenge as I need to find what there is in life that I want to dedicate my time and energy to; to find something that I deem to be worth fighting for.

I don't want to mope around any longer about what I had "lost" with that one major event emotionally in 2020. I want to just learn from it, and I think it's about time I just let it all go. To just be thankful for the times that I had. All of the good memories I had been blessed to have with them, and all of the fun that was had. I'm not going to do any more of that "hopefully they will see it the same" because at the end of the day I am only in control of how I feel about the situation, and I cannot force them to do anything, nor change their minds. One seems to have remembered the good and there's some semblance of what we once had, prior to that friend group. The other? Well, I wish her well. There's nothing more I can do, except I will just leave her in the past, but with the door open should things somehow come around. I'm not going to count on anything to come around, because there is a whole life ahead of me.

I cannot and will not wait for anything or anyone in my past who has come and gone to return again. Because that's just life. Some people are only meant to be in yours for a certain time period and then it's time to move on and find the next thing, the next step in life. There's no second chances (in reality) and if a second chance is ever provided, then it's best to seize it and make for a better run than the first time that led to the second chance (because let's be real, you would never need a second chance if you never broke the first chance).

With all that being said, I will make the most of 2021. We may still be knee or even head deep in a pandemic, but I'm not going to focus on the bad. Because if I direct my focus on the bad or even the sad, then I will continuously find bad things and sad things that will dampen my year and lead to a repeat of those months of sadness I had experienced previously. I will actively choose to focus on a good thing, no matter how big nor how small it may be. One or two good things a day and then let the momentum carry me on towards bigger and greater things.

2021, let's do this.