In the next few weeks, it will have been 1 year since things went south with a former friend group. And I know that I said that I wanted to leave it all in 2020 and use 2021 to focus on my future and all the endeavors and pathways ahead of me, but I'm feeling very slight but noticeable bits of something regarding it all.
Within one of the older posts that I had written whilst still dwelling on the subject that there can and will be "shipwrecks" in life. Just major turning points that rock the world of an individual. A chaotic storm at sea that causes waves that could be 100 feet tall that will bombard a person in emotion and put them well under the water. But ultimately it was a note attempting to inspire hope and to just keep holding on for when the waves subside and eventually get smaller and smaller, to which the individual can swim to safety, get aboard a new ship, and once again cross the great seven seas.
At this point, I'd reckon that the waves are very minimal, only 5-10 feet now. The last time I mentioned it, I guesstimated 10-25 feet, so at least we've shrunk the size down. The point in it all is that I'm still feeling some of the sadness and the yearns to go back to before those times of immaturity and anger flares. Maybe that's because I just recently started listening to the Minecraft soundtrack recently, and like I said in the last post that it brings out the memories of casually hearing it as I played the game, which ultimately leads to the last time I seriously played the game which was with that friend group and for hundreds of hours (literally).
It's sometimes hard to believe that a year has gone by. To think it was over a year ago that I was thinking to myself, "wow 2020 is going to be my year," to which it was definitely a year, just not the one I was expecting nor hoping for. I've changed a decent bit, although there are still a lot of similarities that I still have because you cannot expect me to fully change 20 years of habit in 1 year. It can and will take a long time and focused efforts to change, but it's worth it in the end for my own betterment. Anyways, it's crazy to think that a decent bit of time has passed by and yet it all feels like it was barely a few months. Sometimes I think to myself, "wow that just happened a few months ago" to then realizing it was indeed several months ago.
I've been kind of scrolling back and reading really old blog posts, and some of the 2020 posts, and there's definitely a noticeable difference in how I articulate myself and how the blog has just changed from effectively a TwitLonger, to now more well-thought out pieces. This is part of the reason why I will likely never delete any of my posts so as to show the change and the progress in my own mentality and the like. Not to use it to brag or whatever you may think of it, but just more of a "hey this is who I was, this is how I've changed, this is how I got there," sort of deal.
Maybe it's for the worse for right now to be reading some of those 2020 posts since I can still semi-feel those same emotions that I felt in the moment of writing those posts. But I also feel like maybe it's good to just look back and see how I was and see where I've gotten to. That maybe right here and now, with those waves (no matter how tall or small they may be) I need to remind myself that this is a minor setback in a major change curve for the better. That I won't notice the long-term changes and growth because I'm focused on a few pin points of the day, the last few days, the last week, etc.
I do recall one post (not entirely sure which one, all that I know is that there is one) where I said something about just making it past the 1 year since the events happened. That maybe it will really start to fade away and allow me to focus my time and energy on what I can look forward to rather than simply what I can turn around and look back on. I mean reminiscing on the past isn't a bad thing, it's just lingering and staying in the past (especially on less favorable moments) that can become an issue.
Now I'm not trying to put a timeline on it because healing and restoration takes time. And time is a unit that cannot be controlled by me. I have to let it work its own way. Maybe one day I'll forget all of this and have someone else or new friends for me to focus my energies into. And on that day, these moments of sadness and regret can melt away. That maybe some things will ultimately be in the past and never come back forth. But it will also be wise and important to remember what the people in my past have enabled me to learn about myself and about being an adult and whatever other life lessons I may have gained from having them meet paths with me and stay around for a short while to impact me.
All in all, I just got to keep on holding on tight to the driftwood and whatever else I can to keep me afloat as I continue on, hit these time-based milestones, and then continue on with life. I'm no longer going to obsess or try to restore, rekindle, repair, whatever you want to call it. If it is meant to happen, it can and will happen on its own, in its own timeline. Such as some friendships being repaired. Stuff like that didn't happen because I strong armed it. It may have been influenced by my strong arming, but in the end it happened because it was part of a more natural pathway. So that's how I must go about this. One day I will naturally let go of it all, and one day I will have something new to pour my heart and soul into.
Until that day comes, time to just ride the waves.
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