Coming Up On 1 Year

In the next few weeks, it will have been 1 year since things went south with a former friend group. And I know that I said that I wanted to leave it all in 2020 and use 2021 to focus on my future and all the endeavors and pathways ahead of me, but I'm feeling very slight but noticeable bits of something regarding it all.

Within one of the older posts that I had written whilst still dwelling on the subject that there can and will be "shipwrecks" in life. Just major turning points that rock the world of an individual. A chaotic storm at sea that causes waves that could be 100 feet tall that will bombard a person in emotion and put them well under the water. But ultimately it was a note attempting to inspire hope and to just keep holding on for when the waves subside and eventually get smaller and smaller, to which the individual can swim to safety, get aboard a new ship, and once again cross the great seven seas.

At this point, I'd reckon that the waves are very minimal, only 5-10 feet now. The last time I mentioned it, I guesstimated 10-25 feet, so at least we've shrunk the size down. The point in it all is that I'm still feeling some of the sadness and the yearns to go back to before those times of immaturity and anger flares. Maybe that's because I just recently started listening to the Minecraft soundtrack recently, and like I said in the last post that it brings out the memories of casually hearing it as I played the game, which ultimately leads to the last time I seriously played the game which was with that friend group and for hundreds of hours (literally).

It's sometimes hard to believe that a year has gone by. To think it was over a year ago that I was thinking to myself, "wow 2020 is going to be my year," to which it was definitely a year, just not the one I was expecting nor hoping for. I've changed a decent bit, although there are still a lot of similarities that I still have because you cannot expect me to fully change 20 years of habit in 1 year. It can and will take a long time and focused efforts to change, but it's worth it in the end for my own betterment. Anyways, it's crazy to think that a decent bit of time has passed by and yet it all feels like it was barely a few months. Sometimes I think to myself, "wow that just happened a few months ago" to then realizing it was indeed several months ago.

I've been kind of scrolling back and reading really old blog posts, and some of the 2020 posts, and there's definitely a noticeable difference in how I articulate myself and how the blog has just changed from effectively a TwitLonger, to now more well-thought out pieces. This is part of the reason why I will likely never delete any of my posts so as to show the change and the progress in my own mentality and the like.  Not to use it to brag or whatever you may think of it, but just more of a "hey this is who I was, this is how I've changed, this is how I got there," sort of deal.

Maybe it's for the worse for right now to be reading some of those 2020 posts since I can still semi-feel those same emotions that I felt in the moment of writing those posts. But I also feel like maybe it's good to just look back and see how I was and see where I've gotten to. That maybe right here and now, with those waves (no matter how tall or small they may be) I need to remind myself that this is a minor setback in a major change curve for the better. That I won't notice the long-term changes and growth because I'm focused on a few pin points of the day, the last few days, the last week, etc.

I do recall one post (not entirely sure which one, all that I know is that there is one) where I said something about just making it past the 1 year since the events happened. That maybe it will really start to fade away and allow me to focus my time and energy on what I can look forward to rather than simply what I can turn around and look back on. I mean reminiscing on the past isn't a bad thing, it's just lingering and staying in the past (especially on less favorable moments) that can become an issue.

Now I'm not trying to put a timeline on it because healing and restoration takes time. And time is a unit that cannot be controlled by me. I have to let it work its own way. Maybe one day I'll forget all of this and have someone else or new friends for me to focus my energies into. And on that day, these moments of sadness and regret can melt away. That maybe some things will ultimately be in the past and never come back forth. But it will also be wise and important to remember what the people in my past have enabled me to learn about myself and about being an adult and whatever other life lessons I may have gained from having them meet paths with me and stay around for a short while to impact me.

All in all, I just got to keep on holding on tight to the driftwood and whatever else I can to keep me afloat as I continue on, hit these time-based milestones, and then continue on with life. I'm no longer going to obsess or try to restore, rekindle, repair, whatever you want to call it. If it is meant to happen, it can and will happen on its own, in its own timeline. Such as some friendships being repaired. Stuff like that didn't happen because I strong armed it. It may have been influenced by my strong arming, but in the end it happened because it was part of a more natural pathway. So that's how I must go about this. One day I will naturally let go of it all, and one day I will have something new to pour my heart and soul into.

Until that day comes, time to just ride the waves. 

BLOCK-ed

Kinda a dumb title, but let's hop into it, yeah?

So I haven't been here since last year (yay dad jokes). In all seriousness, I did mean to write a post but never got around to it. So it's a double whammy this one.

First and foremost, as many will say for every turn of the calendar and the year begins anew, "New Year, New Me". Although I intend to take on that statement and try to run with it. How?

Well the majority of my 2020 blog posts had been pretty much focused on the downfall that if you've been around you know all too much about. And if you're new, check February 2020 for all 69 posts in that month, and then as it bled through on to I believe June, with bits and pieces scattered throughout (albeit less frequently) as the year progressed and ultimately came to a close.

That one topic consumed me, it tore me down, made me feel worthless, made me think that maybe I was nothing more than a materialized ball of fury, chaos, immaturity, etc. And maybe I am still some of those, but they don't define me. Sure I reacted poorly and tried to salvage what could not be salvaged and didn't let time do its thing and heal wherever it was possible. That I had obsessed over the first girl to actually like me as I to her. That I obsessed over the closest thing I've ever had to a relationship and it was the world to me, even though I am still young and have plenty to see and experience of the world. The fear of missing out hit me hard as I learned they moved on without me and it hurt me because that was part of the path I created and chose for myself in my hurt and rage. I had closed myself off from everything and was not seeing how I could grow and become more as different areas of my life get pruned and removed so as to grow in a different direction.

As this new year begins, sure it really isn't anything more than a simple number change on the calendar. That just because it is 2021 and not 2020, that there will be massive changes at the get go. Nay, we must choose to seek something better. We must actively work towards something better if this year is to be better than last. Now I'm no world changer, not yet anyways, but I know one thing: I can change my own world. I can sit around and still mope and gripe and complain about how 2020 was "supposed to be my year" and whatever else that leaves me in the dark and in the past. Or I can just accept the way things have gone, make my peace with it, and then leave it where it is. Leave all that didn't follow me into 2021 in the past. Learn from it, and then let it go.

I learned a lot about love. I learned a lot about how words have power especially in heavy emotion regardless if it is good or bad emotion. I learned about time management. I learned how to work as a team. I learned to become a leader. I learned the true value of friendship and how precious it is. How one cannot simply choose at their convenience when a friendship is good for them. That people can and will move on and if you plan to keep them, then do your best to treat them right. If not, then be prepared to just learn from them what you can and when the time comes and the pathways are pulled apart, let them go and be grateful for the time you had and the time you shared.

So 2021, I will choose to accept my past. I will choose to look for the better. I will choose to better myself physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. It won't be a breakout year without effort, so here I will go to start my breakout.

Now on to the second portion of this frankenstein of a post:

Tonight I decided to just hop on Spotify and queue up some Minecraft music. And since I've played the game ever since May 1st, 2013, I have years of fun and nostalgia associated with the game. From playing with friends, to starting my YouTube/Twitch video making and streaming "careers" respectively. To also enjoying literally hundreds of hours with one of the best friend groups I've ever had. To all the fun survival and eventually creative mode we had. All the bantering and watching as everyone built amazing creations, personal flairs, redstone projects, and even recreations of real life objects such as Liberty University's Freedom Tower.

Since music has a strong memory effect, at least for me, it brought a rush of all these good and fun times I remember from spending probably thousands of hours in the game. In a game I once mocked about how dumb it seemed until I got into it. Little ol' middle school Geoff was so quick to judge but then realize it was justified excitement (older Geoff still is quick to judge, just hopefully less so, but who knows. Another topic for another time).

So I ultimately was caught in a very brief spell of just wishing I could rewind the clocks back to just playing Minecraft with the Batpham and all associated. Not even for the at the time potential relationship/the crush I had. Just to go back and play some Minecraft with friends, have a good time, share stories, memes, tiktoks, etc.

And then I'm hit with reality that maybe that is a thing of the past. That it's just one of those "good times" that I like to tell others about. To "enjoy every moment because by the time you realize something was a good time, it'll be too late to go back". And it very much is true. I mean I really did enjoy and maximize every minute that I had played Minecraft with friends, so it's not like I ever felt it to be a waste of time. But I just wish I could have just one more hour of it.

And as I had mentioned, things are different now. I'm unsure if any of that is possible, so I will simply choose to not linger on it and to just go about enjoying life and looking back fondly on those times. That I know there will be plenty of good ahead of me. If I'm stuck looking back, I'll miss the opportunities and chances that are headed my way.

With all that being said, if any of the former Batpham is reading this and wants to relive the past a bit, I'm all for it. If that's to be left in the past, I am fine either way.

Onwards to the new and the exciting things in store for me.