Digging Up The Past

 On the one hand, one of my former best friends and I are talking again and it's nice to start to reconnect. He's expressed his interest to give this friendship thing a go again because of how well it was going before the incident of this year. But on the other side, it sort of opens up the past that I would assume I ultimately just buried and never really dealt with. Almost like I went out back, dug a hole, threw everything in there and just pretended like it never existed. But the truth of the matter is that everything that was there is just barely buried and just enough rummaging can bring it forth again.

We were talking about Minecraft, and there's a server that he's been playing on with the former members of the "Batpham". It's nice to know that they still managed to make something out of the ruins of what I caused, but at the same time it brings forth many emotions. I'm feeling jealousy, nostalgia, and sadness. Jealousy because I feel like this was something I started and now I'm no longer a part of it; I'm an outcast of the group I put together, so part of me feels entitled or whatever to say "it was my group, so why should they get to have fun without me?" At the same time I have to acknowledge and take responsibility for the actions that I committed and know that actions and words have weight and value, so it's a tough thing to learn but one that I must learn. Then there's the nostalgia. I re-opened the save file for the world titled the same as the group, Batpham, and it led to me seeing all of the creations and the builds that we have created together, when everything was fine and dandy. From the houses and the city we built. From the banners and creations we had, including Liberty University's Freedom Tower sorta re-created at a scale level unbeknownst to me. Then the pink and white heart banner hung outside my house's door because that was from a time when Sophia had liked me back. Or in my Ender Chest, there are signed books, still labeled as "by ladychocalot" that has notes written personally for me, stating the gratitude for the friendship and the "appreciation" (as we had been using in place of saying "I love you") for one another. It just brings back the memories of how warm and fuzzy I had felt on the inside. Finally, the last emotion: sadness. I feel sad because it's all gone now, and while I am making amends with one of the two majorly affected parties in this situation, it's now making me want to try to reconnect with Sophia and at least mend the friendship. But I know that maybe that is not possible and maybe she doesn't want anything to do with me forever. And I guess I just have to accept that fact because not everyone has to forgive me, and I don't necessarily deserve it any specific way that I choose.

I guess sometimes I just hope that maybe one day the whole Batpham can be reunited. That maybe this is a step one. But I don't want to go about rekindling this friendship with Dan to solely try to rebuild a friendship with Sophia, because that's wrong and that's using him. I should be happy with my new friendship with Dan and that's all I need because I shouldn't need the validation of one girl I used to be friends with (or even more than friends with) to know my work is worth something. But I can't help but think that maybe deep down there is some ability to rebuild the group and try to bring it back to something we once had, with the disregard for the former interests. I just wish I had handled things differently, and I'm not entirely sure how all of this will end up going if I continue down this path. Not to say that it's a bad path to restore the friendship with Dan, but I need to guard my heart and guard my mind because of what may enter there.