Closed Off

 Tomorrow is December 10th. And for most people, tomorrow is just going to be some Thursday in December, others may be a birthday, others an anniversary, etc. The point being is that tomorrow is just another day of the week, another day of the month, and another day of the year. But to me it isn't just an ordinary day. Well, it could have been had things been different, but since we're long past the "I wish 2020 were like x, y, and z" phase (although there are times when I could still wish it so) the truth and the fact of the matter is is that there's no changing what the world has become in these last 10 months since the pandemic went into full throttle in the US.

So you may be wondering: what is the significance of December 10th? Allow me to tell you.

A year ago, well from tomorrow I suppose, December 10th was a Tuesday (thanks Leap Year for making it a Thursday this year), and how do I remember that so well? Because that was the day of my last final I ever took at Liberty University before ultimately failing out of college and being put on academic suspension. Now why would some random day of finals be of any significance to me? Well let's take a look at the surrounding days before that. December 6th into 7th was the night of Christmas Coffeehouse. It was the night I got featured in a video parodying "Santa Baby" but with "cringey LU Crushes posts". (Haven't seen the video? Check it out here: https://youtu.be/6OwwPSsPf7I) That video was probably one of my favorite things (and I'm biased) but also because of how cool it was to see myself in something so popular as Coffeehouse. Granted it was more of a cameo appearance than a work of mine, but it was cool nonetheless. Coffeehouse was full of fond memories, between actually taking snapshots around the decorations they had, some with a special girl (at the time) and just having a blast. Post Coffeehouse, I found myself with that girl and my best friend at Waffle House (lots of houses lol) and we just had a fun time grabbing late night food.

Then December 7th, I had the pleasure of grabbing dinner with that same girl, and then we went to Walmart and Kroger to pick up some supplies to bake cookies at said best friend's house. I usually don't do much baking, but an activity to do with her was an opportunity I wouldn't pass up. After the cookies finished, we sat down on the couch and watched Polar Express. I would be leaning up on her and she to me. It was a lovely time.

December 9th, we as the Batpham, got together for one final dinner together before everyone started to part ways for the winter break, initially we thought it was a "see you later" and we thought back then we'd be back at it in the spring semester. Had a good time at Doc's Diner, and the girl gave me a copy of a book she likes called The Westing Game. Also within the book, she left me a handwritten note detailing her appreciation for me and it was a really sweet note.

Come December 10th (the moment you all have been waiting for). Initially we had thought that she had her flight home at 6 a.m. at the Roanoke airport which was about an hour away. I had a final at 8 a.m. that day, my last final I ever took. Being someone who wanted to show that I would care and do whatever is necessary to help out someone I had gotten a brief chance to love, I decided I would just simply stock up on caffeine, drive the 2 hour round trip, take my final, and drive the 7 hour trek home. We got about 15 minutes towards Roanoke before she realized her ticket was for a day later, so I turned around, consoled her since she knew I wanted to go home that day, and didn't know what to do (side note, yes I did offer to stay an extra day so I could drive her home, but she kept insisting I go home. In hindsight, I suppose I could've just adamantly refused and said I wasn't leaving until the 11th, but what's done is done). After calming her down, I got to hold her hand (what pre-marital hand-holding? How dare I!) and it was a sweet and tender moment. I would go back to my room, sleep for an hour or so, take my final, and then reconvene before I started my trek home. When I did see her one last time, I was saying things like "I love you" and I was holding her tight in a hug as she hugged me goodbye. Little did I know that was the last time I would ever see her in person. Before the dark times.

Now, if you know me, you'll know that I have been single my entire life. I've had many upon many crushes (19 now) with some rejections sprinkled in there. This was the one girl I had ever been that close with. We didn't really consider ourselves to be dating but it was the closest thing that I had. So if you want to refer to her as my ex, by all means, but nothing was ever official. Anyways, with the part of me being otherwise single for my entire life, I've found that I am pretty soft once you find your way into my emotions. That on the exterior I try to be tough and strong and unbreakable, but I am in fact quite breakable if you know how to get within. So with that, you should be able to know and realize that when things hit the fan and the whole craziness of February happened, I was distraught and felt at my end. I guess clearly that's not the case and that I'm very much still around, 10 months later.

The pains of the date is simply that I remember numbers, dates, patterns; I recognize repetition, I pair things to easy mnemonic devices. I have a system in which I can remember important things to me very easily. I have a relatively organized system even if I look disorganized. So with the remembrance of the date comes the reminder of the sweet and tender moments I had gotten the privilege to share with this girl. To feel loved and to feel that warm, fuzzy feeling inside as I got to hold her hand or hug her close. To read that note and know the warmth of her affection for me. To just think of how fond everything in those short few weeks that I had seen her since finding out she liked me as I to her. So as tomorrow approaches minute by minute, I am reminded of what I had lost because of my foolishness. I know that maybe in time December 10th won't mean anything to me. That maybe one day I will find "the One". That maybe people are right that this girl wasn't meant to be with me if she didn't want to try to make it work even despite my disappearance from Liberty. That maybe ultimately this saved me from a larger world of hurt because if 452 miles wasn't going to work, imagine what 1,457 miles would've done. That sure we basically survived winter break, but then had I actually been a good student, it would've been 3 more semesters before permanently being so far away unless one of us moved. So maybe it was better to have broken it off when it was broken, and to now just forget it so that I have time to heal and get ready for whomever should be the right one so to speak.

What does all of this explanation and detailing of 4 days in December have to do with being "Closed Off" as the title would say since I normally somehow incorporate the title into my posts? Well because ever since these days I described, I've not really been the same. I've been changed. Not that change is bad, but I've been closed off almost entirely to emotional intimacy because I am afraid subconsciously that if I ever got that close with someone again that I might get hurt just as I did when things were broken off. I am afraid that my immaturity that still lingers within will cause similarly catastrophic damage to whatever friend group I may be in, just as I had single-handedly destroyed the Batpham. I am afraid that if I go back down that path of darkness because I got hurt again, that whatever group I make myself an outcast of will thrive without me and I'll be missing out on so much again. Because after I saw the Minecraft server that my former best friend plays on with all of the Batpham, I see all of the fun I am missing because of my poor choices. I wish I would be allowed to play with them, but that may not ever become a reality. With that fear of missing out, and watching as that fear is the only part of reality I can have, I am fearful of what happens if I get close to someone.

That's not to say that I haven't tried. I mean just a month ago I did try asking out a girl at work, to which it didn't work out (I mean if it did, I wouldn't be writing this because I'd have someone to call mine and to focus on, so it would have been easy to forget about anything about the last girl). But I wasn't really close with that girl just yet, she was more of just a pretty girl at work and I thought I might as well shoot my shot to see what happens.

So where have I closed myself off from then? Just physical touch really. I mean horsing around, some light jabs or punches (all playful) and the sort are still fine, I mean that's how we fool around sometimes at work. But sometimes when I just briefly mention a surface level version of the hurt I feel about being single and the pain I've experienced from it, a friend (totally platonic and she's in a relationship anyways) would ask if I wanted a hug. It seems that she never really means to give me a hug (even platonically, I have to emphasize that bit), but I always immediately turn down the idea. Sometimes she says "but it sounds like you want a hug" and the truth of the matter is yes I do. But I'm never going to hug a girl again unless I am confident I won't get hurt again. Because I know it wouldn't be fair to blame all of my hurt on the last girl as I'm sure everything would be fine today if I hadn't reacted so poorly, but I cannot get that close with someone who I'm not dating, well not officially anyways.

Maybe this is all immature and I'm making it way deeper than it absolutely needs to be. Because think about it: this girl, she wasn't even my girlfriend (officially) and I'm still partially hurting over her. I'm otherwise all good to go and I seldom think of her for the past 2-3 months, but I just can't help but think of those times I shared as these dates and memories pop up once again. I mean just a couple days ago, I had a Facebook memory pop up about my post for Coffeehouse, and of course some of those pictures I posted had her in it. I'm not going to delete the original post, because that would be real immature. I enjoyed myself back then and I'm allowed to remember those good and fond times if I want to. Besides that post also contains pictures of me and my former best friend, whom I'm now slowly rebuilding a friendship with.

All in all, I don't know if I'll ever re-open anytime soon. I might find people I trust to talk about the emotions or the past to maybe help me really get it down packed and over it all once and for all. But I don't think I'll be opening my physical touch intimacy anytime soon. No, I don't mean activities if you catch my meaning, but no hand holding, no hugs, no kisses (well kissing was never anything I've done anyways as I didn't kiss the girl due to her request on not wanting to kiss someone until she was sure he was right for her). Just nothing that could potentially be on the more romantic side of physical touch. I've closed myself off and I don't want to risk getting hurt again. I know that the only way I can heal is to open up and that opening up does technically invite the risk of pain, and I know that closing up only makes things worse, but I can't. I'm not strong enough to open up. Not when I remember what I had just a year ago. Maybe things will be better in a few months' time when I've gotten a chance to really get past the past. To make it beyond that 1 year mark from the dissolution of friendships and relationships. To just be beyond the mere 1 year mark since I found out she liked me, or when she hugged me for the first time, or x, y, and z of what she did that made me happy. Maybe it will be way longer than just a few months. I don't know how long it will take.

So yes, I know I need to one day open up if I want to really give this relationship thing a go again. But for now I cannot. I don't think I'm strong enough, I don't know if I ever will be strong enough. All that I know is that this pain of loss and the hurt of knowing I'm missing out, is very much affecting me today and I cannot be bringing that into a new relationship. If I haven't healed before jumping into the next one, I'll just be "bleeding" all over someone who didn't hurt me and that's not fair to them.

Finally, if you're reading this, I don't really know what I want to hear. I know that maybe your first thought is to reach out and console me. To let me know that my feelings and emotions are valid. To let me know that this girl wasn't for me. To tell me that someone out there will recognize how great of a guy I am. Whatever the case may be, I just don't know if that's what I want or need to hear. I don't even know what it is that I want. But thank you for being here. Thank you for spending time out of your day to read this mini-autobiography (I mean that's what it is since I detailed several days and now you also got a long explanation of everything). Thank you for being my friend. I don't know what happens now, nor what happens next. All that I know is that I guess I have no choice but to march on to the next day. To try to rise up from the ashes and to take on any challenge set before me. To distract myself with new friends, new memories, and other things that can and will bring me joy. To focus on the future and not the past. I guess I just had to get it all out there, so once again thank you. I'm open to chat about this if you want. I won't pressure you either way.