So there's one coworker who for fun we usually roast back and forth, I mostly just teasing her about how she's 4'11". Albeit there are others that are spur of the moment ones that can be a bit harsh, which I feel like I have to say. That and the whole "don't dish out what you can't take". Somehow she tends to nail ones that get to me, and it gets me wondering if those are just part of the dynamic our friendship (if you will) has, or if there's even some truth to it. She would call on things like "oh I'm the one actually in a relationship", "oh no one wants you because have you looked in a mirror", "oh your only skills are slicing so we'll leave that to you", and the one that hit most today was "you're creepy". The first couple stung because I've tried for so long to find a relationship and after 18 crushes, 8 rejections, and 1 close call, it just is a sensitive area. I get, Geoff just man up, it's not a big deal if you're single, etc. But it still is a sore subject. Then the talking about my looks, and I'm self-conscious about that as it is, I don't need anymore teasing of it. Sure every now and then is fine, I mean if I pick on the same attributes that I'm sure probably don't go over well (I would imagine my jabs at her height make her feel bad), then I should be ready to take repetitive hits in areas that pain me. The whole skill one didn't bother me because I know I have skills, examples being my certification by the National Guild of Piano Teachers, or even my first degree black belt in which I used to have a regular class that I TAUGHT. I knew those things and I brushed that comment off because I like to hold to the idea that "if you're good you'll tell everyone; if you're great everyone will tell you". Then the last bit, "you're creepy". I get it I tried to ask out a different coworker and it ultimately didn't work out, but I've moved on from it. I've just pretended like nothing changed and that things can go on as normal, but she's not making it so easy. And then the coworker I tease saying that makes me wonder, is it true? Is it seen as me being creepy that I hang around just chatting for 10-15 minutes after my shift is over? Is it creepy that I asked a coworker out? Am I creepy? Is that why I'm single and probably forever will be? And here I thought I could be a decent boyfriend and hopefully husband someday, but if I'm creepy, then that will never happen, so I guess I might as well give up on relationships.
The other thing was since today is the day after Thanksgiving, and even with the pandemic restrictions in place, people still had compromises and worked through to enjoy the holiday. Everyone was talking about their holiday events and was asking each other. Well, everyone asked each other except for me.
Now maybe that was because I hadn't really assigned any tasks to anyone so they were milling about and they were catching up, whereas I was more or less doing some finishing touches for the opening so I wasn't readily available to ask about my holiday. But then again I could've been asked and then I could have stopped for a few moments, even a few minutes to chat. But nope, no one cared about how my Thanksgiving went.
To top it all off, I've been waiting for the official promotion to shift leader because I do everything a shift leader does and it was in the talks 3 months ago to which I haven't a clue anymore. I do so much to make the owners' lives easy by accepting to do 5 openings a week, SOLO. Which isn't necessarily hard especially as I've devised the way I do 'em to which it makes it enjoyable in its own way, but before the pandemic, we would have 2 or 3 people doing the opening, so a huge dynamic change there. The owners occasionally say they are grateful for my flexibility to work and the responsibilities I've taken up, but without at least a pay raise or just the title at the absolute minimum, it feels like they don't really appreciate me. I know maybe that's dumb and selfish, and maybe it is unfair as each of the 4 stores they own has been understaffed, but at least throw me a little bone because I could've quit at any point and found a new job elsewhere and everyone else is hungry for new staff. I could've left them to scramble and find someone to open the store 5 days a week when we're open 7 (sure that's only 70% of the openings, but think of the peace of mind I provide for doing those, and how chaotic it will be if I left and they had to find someone to do it because I can't imagine they would want to do it themselves). Just anything more than the very rare and incredibly infrequent "thanks for being flexible".
I don't know what's gotten into me, but I'm tired, I'm burning out, I'm starting to loathe getting up for work. I'm starting to hate my job, but I also love the people because I've made many a friendship and have had a good amount of fun laughing together, making comments about odd/rude customers, etc. But this is wearing me all down. I don't know how much longer I can do all of this. I don't know how long I can hold on. I just want to give up. I want to feel like people like me. I want to feel appreciated and not some social outcast or the broken toy that people feel bad about so they let them in. I want to feel good. I want to feel strong. I want to feel loved. But I guess I can't have any of that because no one wants me for me. No one appreciates me for me. I'm just the weird guy who streams video games and isn't at all entertaining to watch. I'm just the loser that has no friends so people tolerate me in person and act like my friend. I'm just the creep who is weird around girls and makes them feel weird when I hang out for social time. I'm the weird one who tries to be a leader but is in fact only leading myself and fooling myself into thinking people actually like or appreciate my ideas.
Maybe I should just give up. Stop hanging out after work. Stop being social and see if anyone cares enough to notice my disappearance since I frequent a community server where I think I have friends, but who knows, maybe I'm just another pity case there. Maybe I am a creep. Maybe I am a loser. Maybe I am destined to be single forever but cursed with the want to be with someone so I can feel loved. Maybe the world hates me and I'm cursed to be cold and unloved and not cared about.
If you happen to find this post and read it all, don't bother mentioning it. I won't believe anything is true of what you try to reassure me with. There's no way to change my mind because all of these things said to me must at least have some grain of truth, otherwise why ever say it.
That's all for now, I suppose.
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