Overdramatic

 That one word can pretty much sum up my worst moments in my life. I react quite frequently on emotion, and sometimes that can potentially be good, but in my track record it's usually been bad. The more positive emotions may lead to technical overdramatic responses, but those responses are usually well received by the public eye so no one bats an eye at it. They usually pay attention to the more negative emotions and the responses entailed within that. I mean as I've belabored over and over again, but look at how the Batpham dissolved. Had I somehow been super happy over something instead of being hurt and lost and then poorly reacting to it, I'm sure that I'd still be a part of that group chat and that things would be good to go. The vast majority of this year's blog posts wouldn't have existed, and we'd be in a different spot. But in a ways, all of that happening needed to happen so that I could learn from it.

Anyways, on a more recent note, I was once again overdramatic. Remember that discord server I most likely have mentioned? If not basically it's a server I was invited to by a friend and I got to be friends with a lot of the people there. We played games, shared memes, just chatted in voice channels, it was great. But recently I've been having altercations with one of the people there and it was mostly petty stuff. It easily could've just been brushed off as "she's stubborn and will always be like this, just ignore her when she's not being kind or friendly or being arrogant". But I let my pride get in the way. I sought vengeance as soon as I could. To sum it up, there were times that this one person keeps saying things that sound like she's superior to everyone else in mathematics because she "has been in advanced math since 6th grade". And usually this is said when someone says something math related and she has to butt in to say her thoughts. Once or twice would have been "fine whatever, believe what you want to believe", but there was so many times she said it, it got on my nerves (obviously).

One time she brought it up again, and I went to a text channel dedicated for education and academics, and to the subdivision of math, and quoted her saying she needed math help (on an online quiz so technically cheating but that's beside the point). She immediately got flustered and it became a battle.

In this server, I was "promoted" to moderator, and was a member of the staff. Because of that, I was pulled aside by an admin later on and was told that I need to be better because of my moderator status. I thought that while it was true since my position was a privilege, that I need to be on a tighter margin, it was unfair since this one person's words were unkind and also from a certain point of view rule-breaking (one of the 3 rules this server has is to treat others the way you want to be treated, so just general moral guidelines).

Now you may be wondering how she broke that rule? Well between acting superior to others and shutting them down on their math knowledge, she occasionally makes low-blow jokes. And I get it, they're jokes. But the way I see it is if someone doesn't explicitly say you can make a joke about something, and you do it anyways, then don't be mad when they "return fire" and make a low-blow joke back. It's ultimately just a pissing match. Immature, yes, but it is predictable, and you could see it from a mile away. In my eye's when she acts superior or makes these jokes it's like kicking the hornet's nest and getting mad that a hornet came out to attack.

I guess I don't really know if anyone pulled her aside, but I just saw it as unfair because no one communicated that's what they did. They mostly brushed it off as "that's the way she is, she makes jokes but can't take one and gets all mad if you make a joke". Which is unfair because if you want to play dirty (so to speak) and you can't receive it when others play dirty, then how is that fair?

Between that and a lot of vagueness and ambiguity with the upper staff (it felt like that while as a moderator one is part of staff that moderator doesn't really get a say in anything and it's a glorified position), I felt that it was becoming a community that I had come to love and hang out in every day, to a community I didn't even recognize. Now to be fair anyone who wasn't staff didn't do anything that made me dislike the place, it was all within staff walls, but it just wasn't the place I felt I needed to be or should be in.

So I left.

It's coming up on 1 week since I left, and it seems to be (since I have people on the inside so to speak) that my departure caused enough of a ripple effect to make changes on communication between upper staff and moderators begin to happen. I don't know about the making sure everyone follows the rules and knows that jokes are jokes and to get so easily offended is unfair if they make poor jokes (sure I could always choose to ignore the bad jokes and just move on, but like I said I'm immature and I chose vengeance). I've considered rejoining the server and trying to work change from within instead of without. but I'm not sure if I'm convinced the place has changed enough. Between that and it only being a week since I left so is it really anything? It'll come off as me being super dramatic (which it was regardless) but I feel like to leave and rejoin within a week is too soon and it's like "well if he ever does this again, in a week he'll be back" or maybe if it ever happens again I just won't be allowed back in.

I try to justify my action with the quote from Bruce Wayne (here I go again applying Batman quotes to my life) when he says in Batman Begins (2005), "...people need a dramatic example to shake them out of apathy..." (This is in reference to how he cannot save Gotham as Bruce Wayne, that he needs to become more than just a man. To become legend as Ra's al Ghul told him to. It's an early hinting at Batman). It felt to me that upper staff was apathetic in getting in to see if what the moderators had to say was worth looking into and at least talking it over, or if they just looked at it and if they deemed to not like it, to shut it down and end of story, no real reason or rationale behind it. So this was my dramatic example to shake them out of their apathy, or so I'd like to claim.

Anyways, who knows if I'll ever rejoin them, but I just wanted to document it for myself. Details aren't exactly 100% here, but the gist of it is. Finally, I will admit, I was overdramatic and immature once again, but hopefully this time isn't a permanent goodbye to these people as I pretty much excommunicated myself from anything the former Batpham does nowadays. But we shall see. I have a lot of working on to do for myself to stop being so immature and dramatic, as at some point someone won't care about the theatrics and just move on to the next person who can bring what I brought or even do it better since there's always someone better (there's always a bigger fish).

Closed Off

 Tomorrow is December 10th. And for most people, tomorrow is just going to be some Thursday in December, others may be a birthday, others an anniversary, etc. The point being is that tomorrow is just another day of the week, another day of the month, and another day of the year. But to me it isn't just an ordinary day. Well, it could have been had things been different, but since we're long past the "I wish 2020 were like x, y, and z" phase (although there are times when I could still wish it so) the truth and the fact of the matter is is that there's no changing what the world has become in these last 10 months since the pandemic went into full throttle in the US.

So you may be wondering: what is the significance of December 10th? Allow me to tell you.

A year ago, well from tomorrow I suppose, December 10th was a Tuesday (thanks Leap Year for making it a Thursday this year), and how do I remember that so well? Because that was the day of my last final I ever took at Liberty University before ultimately failing out of college and being put on academic suspension. Now why would some random day of finals be of any significance to me? Well let's take a look at the surrounding days before that. December 6th into 7th was the night of Christmas Coffeehouse. It was the night I got featured in a video parodying "Santa Baby" but with "cringey LU Crushes posts". (Haven't seen the video? Check it out here: https://youtu.be/6OwwPSsPf7I) That video was probably one of my favorite things (and I'm biased) but also because of how cool it was to see myself in something so popular as Coffeehouse. Granted it was more of a cameo appearance than a work of mine, but it was cool nonetheless. Coffeehouse was full of fond memories, between actually taking snapshots around the decorations they had, some with a special girl (at the time) and just having a blast. Post Coffeehouse, I found myself with that girl and my best friend at Waffle House (lots of houses lol) and we just had a fun time grabbing late night food.

Then December 7th, I had the pleasure of grabbing dinner with that same girl, and then we went to Walmart and Kroger to pick up some supplies to bake cookies at said best friend's house. I usually don't do much baking, but an activity to do with her was an opportunity I wouldn't pass up. After the cookies finished, we sat down on the couch and watched Polar Express. I would be leaning up on her and she to me. It was a lovely time.

December 9th, we as the Batpham, got together for one final dinner together before everyone started to part ways for the winter break, initially we thought it was a "see you later" and we thought back then we'd be back at it in the spring semester. Had a good time at Doc's Diner, and the girl gave me a copy of a book she likes called The Westing Game. Also within the book, she left me a handwritten note detailing her appreciation for me and it was a really sweet note.

Come December 10th (the moment you all have been waiting for). Initially we had thought that she had her flight home at 6 a.m. at the Roanoke airport which was about an hour away. I had a final at 8 a.m. that day, my last final I ever took. Being someone who wanted to show that I would care and do whatever is necessary to help out someone I had gotten a brief chance to love, I decided I would just simply stock up on caffeine, drive the 2 hour round trip, take my final, and drive the 7 hour trek home. We got about 15 minutes towards Roanoke before she realized her ticket was for a day later, so I turned around, consoled her since she knew I wanted to go home that day, and didn't know what to do (side note, yes I did offer to stay an extra day so I could drive her home, but she kept insisting I go home. In hindsight, I suppose I could've just adamantly refused and said I wasn't leaving until the 11th, but what's done is done). After calming her down, I got to hold her hand (what pre-marital hand-holding? How dare I!) and it was a sweet and tender moment. I would go back to my room, sleep for an hour or so, take my final, and then reconvene before I started my trek home. When I did see her one last time, I was saying things like "I love you" and I was holding her tight in a hug as she hugged me goodbye. Little did I know that was the last time I would ever see her in person. Before the dark times.

Now, if you know me, you'll know that I have been single my entire life. I've had many upon many crushes (19 now) with some rejections sprinkled in there. This was the one girl I had ever been that close with. We didn't really consider ourselves to be dating but it was the closest thing that I had. So if you want to refer to her as my ex, by all means, but nothing was ever official. Anyways, with the part of me being otherwise single for my entire life, I've found that I am pretty soft once you find your way into my emotions. That on the exterior I try to be tough and strong and unbreakable, but I am in fact quite breakable if you know how to get within. So with that, you should be able to know and realize that when things hit the fan and the whole craziness of February happened, I was distraught and felt at my end. I guess clearly that's not the case and that I'm very much still around, 10 months later.

The pains of the date is simply that I remember numbers, dates, patterns; I recognize repetition, I pair things to easy mnemonic devices. I have a system in which I can remember important things to me very easily. I have a relatively organized system even if I look disorganized. So with the remembrance of the date comes the reminder of the sweet and tender moments I had gotten the privilege to share with this girl. To feel loved and to feel that warm, fuzzy feeling inside as I got to hold her hand or hug her close. To read that note and know the warmth of her affection for me. To just think of how fond everything in those short few weeks that I had seen her since finding out she liked me as I to her. So as tomorrow approaches minute by minute, I am reminded of what I had lost because of my foolishness. I know that maybe in time December 10th won't mean anything to me. That maybe one day I will find "the One". That maybe people are right that this girl wasn't meant to be with me if she didn't want to try to make it work even despite my disappearance from Liberty. That maybe ultimately this saved me from a larger world of hurt because if 452 miles wasn't going to work, imagine what 1,457 miles would've done. That sure we basically survived winter break, but then had I actually been a good student, it would've been 3 more semesters before permanently being so far away unless one of us moved. So maybe it was better to have broken it off when it was broken, and to now just forget it so that I have time to heal and get ready for whomever should be the right one so to speak.

What does all of this explanation and detailing of 4 days in December have to do with being "Closed Off" as the title would say since I normally somehow incorporate the title into my posts? Well because ever since these days I described, I've not really been the same. I've been changed. Not that change is bad, but I've been closed off almost entirely to emotional intimacy because I am afraid subconsciously that if I ever got that close with someone again that I might get hurt just as I did when things were broken off. I am afraid that my immaturity that still lingers within will cause similarly catastrophic damage to whatever friend group I may be in, just as I had single-handedly destroyed the Batpham. I am afraid that if I go back down that path of darkness because I got hurt again, that whatever group I make myself an outcast of will thrive without me and I'll be missing out on so much again. Because after I saw the Minecraft server that my former best friend plays on with all of the Batpham, I see all of the fun I am missing because of my poor choices. I wish I would be allowed to play with them, but that may not ever become a reality. With that fear of missing out, and watching as that fear is the only part of reality I can have, I am fearful of what happens if I get close to someone.

That's not to say that I haven't tried. I mean just a month ago I did try asking out a girl at work, to which it didn't work out (I mean if it did, I wouldn't be writing this because I'd have someone to call mine and to focus on, so it would have been easy to forget about anything about the last girl). But I wasn't really close with that girl just yet, she was more of just a pretty girl at work and I thought I might as well shoot my shot to see what happens.

So where have I closed myself off from then? Just physical touch really. I mean horsing around, some light jabs or punches (all playful) and the sort are still fine, I mean that's how we fool around sometimes at work. But sometimes when I just briefly mention a surface level version of the hurt I feel about being single and the pain I've experienced from it, a friend (totally platonic and she's in a relationship anyways) would ask if I wanted a hug. It seems that she never really means to give me a hug (even platonically, I have to emphasize that bit), but I always immediately turn down the idea. Sometimes she says "but it sounds like you want a hug" and the truth of the matter is yes I do. But I'm never going to hug a girl again unless I am confident I won't get hurt again. Because I know it wouldn't be fair to blame all of my hurt on the last girl as I'm sure everything would be fine today if I hadn't reacted so poorly, but I cannot get that close with someone who I'm not dating, well not officially anyways.

Maybe this is all immature and I'm making it way deeper than it absolutely needs to be. Because think about it: this girl, she wasn't even my girlfriend (officially) and I'm still partially hurting over her. I'm otherwise all good to go and I seldom think of her for the past 2-3 months, but I just can't help but think of those times I shared as these dates and memories pop up once again. I mean just a couple days ago, I had a Facebook memory pop up about my post for Coffeehouse, and of course some of those pictures I posted had her in it. I'm not going to delete the original post, because that would be real immature. I enjoyed myself back then and I'm allowed to remember those good and fond times if I want to. Besides that post also contains pictures of me and my former best friend, whom I'm now slowly rebuilding a friendship with.

All in all, I don't know if I'll ever re-open anytime soon. I might find people I trust to talk about the emotions or the past to maybe help me really get it down packed and over it all once and for all. But I don't think I'll be opening my physical touch intimacy anytime soon. No, I don't mean activities if you catch my meaning, but no hand holding, no hugs, no kisses (well kissing was never anything I've done anyways as I didn't kiss the girl due to her request on not wanting to kiss someone until she was sure he was right for her). Just nothing that could potentially be on the more romantic side of physical touch. I've closed myself off and I don't want to risk getting hurt again. I know that the only way I can heal is to open up and that opening up does technically invite the risk of pain, and I know that closing up only makes things worse, but I can't. I'm not strong enough to open up. Not when I remember what I had just a year ago. Maybe things will be better in a few months' time when I've gotten a chance to really get past the past. To make it beyond that 1 year mark from the dissolution of friendships and relationships. To just be beyond the mere 1 year mark since I found out she liked me, or when she hugged me for the first time, or x, y, and z of what she did that made me happy. Maybe it will be way longer than just a few months. I don't know how long it will take.

So yes, I know I need to one day open up if I want to really give this relationship thing a go again. But for now I cannot. I don't think I'm strong enough, I don't know if I ever will be strong enough. All that I know is that this pain of loss and the hurt of knowing I'm missing out, is very much affecting me today and I cannot be bringing that into a new relationship. If I haven't healed before jumping into the next one, I'll just be "bleeding" all over someone who didn't hurt me and that's not fair to them.

Finally, if you're reading this, I don't really know what I want to hear. I know that maybe your first thought is to reach out and console me. To let me know that my feelings and emotions are valid. To let me know that this girl wasn't for me. To tell me that someone out there will recognize how great of a guy I am. Whatever the case may be, I just don't know if that's what I want or need to hear. I don't even know what it is that I want. But thank you for being here. Thank you for spending time out of your day to read this mini-autobiography (I mean that's what it is since I detailed several days and now you also got a long explanation of everything). Thank you for being my friend. I don't know what happens now, nor what happens next. All that I know is that I guess I have no choice but to march on to the next day. To try to rise up from the ashes and to take on any challenge set before me. To distract myself with new friends, new memories, and other things that can and will bring me joy. To focus on the future and not the past. I guess I just had to get it all out there, so once again thank you. I'm open to chat about this if you want. I won't pressure you either way.

Digging Up The Past

 On the one hand, one of my former best friends and I are talking again and it's nice to start to reconnect. He's expressed his interest to give this friendship thing a go again because of how well it was going before the incident of this year. But on the other side, it sort of opens up the past that I would assume I ultimately just buried and never really dealt with. Almost like I went out back, dug a hole, threw everything in there and just pretended like it never existed. But the truth of the matter is that everything that was there is just barely buried and just enough rummaging can bring it forth again.

We were talking about Minecraft, and there's a server that he's been playing on with the former members of the "Batpham". It's nice to know that they still managed to make something out of the ruins of what I caused, but at the same time it brings forth many emotions. I'm feeling jealousy, nostalgia, and sadness. Jealousy because I feel like this was something I started and now I'm no longer a part of it; I'm an outcast of the group I put together, so part of me feels entitled or whatever to say "it was my group, so why should they get to have fun without me?" At the same time I have to acknowledge and take responsibility for the actions that I committed and know that actions and words have weight and value, so it's a tough thing to learn but one that I must learn. Then there's the nostalgia. I re-opened the save file for the world titled the same as the group, Batpham, and it led to me seeing all of the creations and the builds that we have created together, when everything was fine and dandy. From the houses and the city we built. From the banners and creations we had, including Liberty University's Freedom Tower sorta re-created at a scale level unbeknownst to me. Then the pink and white heart banner hung outside my house's door because that was from a time when Sophia had liked me back. Or in my Ender Chest, there are signed books, still labeled as "by ladychocalot" that has notes written personally for me, stating the gratitude for the friendship and the "appreciation" (as we had been using in place of saying "I love you") for one another. It just brings back the memories of how warm and fuzzy I had felt on the inside. Finally, the last emotion: sadness. I feel sad because it's all gone now, and while I am making amends with one of the two majorly affected parties in this situation, it's now making me want to try to reconnect with Sophia and at least mend the friendship. But I know that maybe that is not possible and maybe she doesn't want anything to do with me forever. And I guess I just have to accept that fact because not everyone has to forgive me, and I don't necessarily deserve it any specific way that I choose.

I guess sometimes I just hope that maybe one day the whole Batpham can be reunited. That maybe this is a step one. But I don't want to go about rekindling this friendship with Dan to solely try to rebuild a friendship with Sophia, because that's wrong and that's using him. I should be happy with my new friendship with Dan and that's all I need because I shouldn't need the validation of one girl I used to be friends with (or even more than friends with) to know my work is worth something. But I can't help but think that maybe deep down there is some ability to rebuild the group and try to bring it back to something we once had, with the disregard for the former interests. I just wish I had handled things differently, and I'm not entirely sure how all of this will end up going if I continue down this path. Not to say that it's a bad path to restore the friendship with Dan, but I need to guard my heart and guard my mind because of what may enter there.