I Wonder

 It probably doesn't help that I remember numbers well enough to recognize certain days or dates, or patterns, etc. In most instances it's a very handy skill of mine, when someone asks at work for x, y, or z, I can tell them without much thought some basic numbers and do basic calculations almost faster than someone who pulls their phone out for the calculator (okay, so maybe not huge multiplication or division problems, but you get the idea).

Come Saturday, November 21st, 2020, it will be the 1 year since the one girl I got close with admitted her feelings for me. The same girl I had crushed on for 3 months up to that point, and was trying to just maybe one day get her to like me back. To maybe get that relationship finally, to have someone to care for and someone to give all my love to. It would be happenstance that lead me to questioning and it would be thanks to LU Crushes that I would find out that she apparently likes me. It would be that day, the 21st, that I text her asking her to talk, maybe over dinner (easy enough being a student at LU and thanks to the Plus Dining Plan). It would be through circumstance or pure luck that I would end up getting a (very) late lunch with my former best friend and her, to which he had somewhere to go and I was alone (ish because it was at the North campus dining area, so naturally people were around) with her. She would ask me if I had something I wanted to talk about. After lots of hesitation, I would finally get the words out, saying that I was messaging LU Crushes asking for their advice and help on what I should be doing, and how they said that she liked me back. At first I was unsure of how the conversation would go because while yes it was common knowledge that I liked her (well in the sense that she knew anyways) I wasn't sure if I had just been overthinking and that maybe for whatever reason the admins of Crushes were trolling me (I'm not sure why they would since that'd be cruel and unkind, and totally out of their nature to do). It was after all of that that she would pull out her phone and show me this long paragraph of a crush post that she had originally submitted the day before but because she wasn't sure when I was going to do my nightly check of the page and how long community groups would go (she was a community group leader) that she asked them to not post it. And after reading it, it made me feel elation like I've never felt before. Reading how there were various aspects she wrote about me, which shows that she was paying attention and noticed the finer details. The only post (well does it count since it never got officially posted?) that I ever found the source.

Honestly, I still have that post saved in my Google Notes. Why? I don't know, it's a good question. While yes all of the mutual feelings have faded and gone on so in a ways those words no longer mean as they read, it was still nice to have. To know that I'm not as unlikable as I see myself. To know that others can and will see me for who I am and love me just the way I am. To know that I don't have to be some super buff jock, or incredibly intelligent brain surgeon to find someone. To just be reassured that there is nothing wrong with me and that perhaps someday someone will be able to see that in me again.

So as you can see, there are a lot of strong and good feelings and memories that exist. To just think of those times as good times (which was hard for me to do for a long while since I was hurt by the loss and anything that reminded me of it was painful knowing what I could have had). And that leads me to my main point for today.

As you may know (or don't, it's fine) I was the Liberty Batman. It was through my little fun mostly Instagram account that I would create the friend group that I would hang out with this girl a lot (as well as the others, but for the emotional aspect, the girl here is the focus). And naturally that account follows everyone (or at least it did) who was a part of that group. In hindsight if I really had wanted to keep it anonymous, probably not the best idea ever, but oh well. To this day, aside from not following the former Nightwing (due to my own immaturity and backlash towards him when we had our falling out, but also thank God for us to begin coming back together), the account follows everyone else who was a part of that group. With this girl included.

So on the few days that are separated by weeks and even months that I actually post on it (mostly just memes or Batman related content I found on the internet since I can't exactly bring my cosplay to the campus anytime soon), I can see the Instagram stories of those I follow (obviously). And sometimes she has something on her story, so out of curiosity, I would click on it and just view whatever it is she posted. I don't mean to say that I miss her as a former potential relationship, but more of just a friend even. Some days I wonder how her life has been ever since that fall out. Because prior to that fall out, she would tell me about how she's lost so many friends due to various reasons and she feels like that sometimes she doesn't have any "real" friends. I used to be one of those "real" ones, until I suddenly wasn't. My personal account has been blocked by her on both Facebook and Instagram, and maybe I should take that as a sign of "the time that God has called for you to be together whether as friends or more, has come and gone. You were given the lessons God had planned for you in that relationship, and now it's time to move on and look towards the next part of the plan." Maybe this is a part of how she would pray about our relationship (back when it was even barely feasible (it would have had to been long distance, but I was ready to make 452 miles work when otherwise I'd have to make 1,457 miles work), and she would say that God said that we were to live our lives separate from each other. So maybe the blocking on social media was part of that. But then I wonder why not block the Batman? I mean she unfollowed the Batman (which is fine since I hardly use the account anyways) but why not block it so I have absolutely zero means of seeing how her life is going or what she does? I mean I guess in a way it could be a "look at my life and see how I'm thriving even without you" so it could be a bit of a chip on the shoulder, but I would think that's not her nature (unless things have really changed her).

Sometimes I just want to reach out. But I know I've made many and multiple attempts through various methods to at least find some level of communication. I've sent letters to her home, I attempted to send a blog post that was the beginning of it all to her Facebook messenger (it was the first time I actually got to speak with the former best friend, but after that it was radio silence for another 3-4 months). In my season of recognizing that I have been wrong and I have wronged others, that accepting my faults and asking for forgiveness is the first step into becoming a better man. But I also need to know and accept that sometimes even if you ask for forgiveness, I may not receive it. There's nothing I could do and there's no reason I should feel upset or peeved or what have you if a party chooses to not forgive me. Because the truth of the matter is: have I really, and I mean really forgiven everyone who's wronged me (or that I even perceived to have wronged me)? And if and when I see that the answer to that is "no", then do I really get a say in being upset by not being forgiven?

I don't know why I want to check in. I don't really seek nor know how to restart a friendship nor maintain it if I should even be so lucky. Maybe this really is just one of those things that I should let go and move on from. That just because she was the first girl to let me hold her hand and hug her and be close with, open to, etc. that I shouldn't drop everything to try to win her back even on a platonic level. That there are plenty of people out there I could become friends with and maybe even achieve similar levels of closeness and openness, and this one person out of everyone in the world is going to be statistically insignificant. I guess I'm trying to adopt a mentality of my former best friend: to end things not as enemies, and to at least walk away with a peace knowing that there are no hard feelings. I'm sure that if nothing ever happens or if zero communication happens between me and this guy even despite our slow reconciliation that it wouldn't be hurtful to either of us since we both have forgiven each other and have at the very least made our peace with each other. So maybe I'm seeking to make peace with her before just walking away and never thinking of her again (theoretically anyways I know that somehow there will be some memory of her given that emotional bonds are strong and hard to forget).

Maybe it is dumb that I'm wondering about how she's doing. Maybe I should just let her live her life and be happy for her, knowing that I did what I could trying to apologize and make contact. Maybe I should just write it off and just pretend like it never happened. But a part of me still want to try because my faith says that there is an afterlife in Heaven. And if that's indeed where I am going when I die, I am almost certain that one way or another I will see her there. I know that life is full of various people of differing beliefs and walks of life. I know that sometimes you can't please everyone, even if you really want to (which is apparently a common middle child characteristic, so go figure). That God loves every person I have crossed paths with, even if I didn't love them. So maybe this is something I shan't worry about and just let things go.

A strange place that I am in and one that I'm not sure anyone has the answers to. One where I know what I want but am unsure of it's the wisest path to go for and if it's the one that will help me settle anything on my own mind. Maybe I should just let it go and accept the fact that as one of the LU Crushes admins have said: different dates, places, songs, items, etc. will trigger and bring forth memories of the past and it can and will be hurtful. But that hurt doesn't have to define me, and even if it is saddening.

To end this post, I guess I should stick to one saying from Walt Disney that I really like and have used many a times: "Don't be sad that it's over; be glad that it happened." I could be sad that I lost my friendship and the potential romantic relationship with her, but I have learned a lot about myself and what it really means to love another. While I may have been hurt, I have gained wisdom, knowledge, and experience to prepare me for my future, no matter where it goes or where it may lead.