Isolation

Something I've noticed about myself is that when things get tough, when things go awry and not the way I had planned for, hoped for, or wanted it to go, that I isolate myself because I think that my problems are not worth asking help for. It's a habit or maybe even coping mechanism that I've had for years on end. I hear talk of how as a toddler (and potentially younger) I would do this. If something hadn't gone my way back then, I would apparently say "go away, I don't want you." Immature, yes, but it is what it is. I can't really speak for my past self, especially that age, but all I do know is that I was attempting to isolate myself because I wanted to be on my own to process my own things: my emotions of upsetness, anger, discouragement, etc.

It is still a behavior that I notice in myself today, years later. There are definitely instances in which this has occurred again since being a toddler (circa '02) but I can't think of any off the top of my head. The point being that this is how I have been and I guess how I still am. Whether or not I will actually work on changing this about myself is a story and a talk for another time.

2020 has been an odd year. A year for plenty of growth, and a lot of exposition on my more negative and crude behaviors and patterns. Being a guy who can relatively easily recognize patterns to memorize things or sequences faster, this is something I have noticed especially in this year and as I look back over the course of 2019. When things are going ill in comparison to how I planned, I close up, I become rash and blinded by my anger or discontentment. Take 2019, I had once been a part of what was the LU Crush Trolls (people who just frequently commented and otherwise messed around on the Facebook page LU Crushes for those who may read this and be unknowing to what that means). I had really enjoyed my time being with them as I've had some of the best fun I've ever had in my short college career. Fast forward a few months later, and there was some instance where I was being called out for something I called others out for. To me I didn't see it then, so I saw it as an unprompted attack. I closed up and started lashing out at them, meanwhile they were (in hindsight) just trying to help me avoid becoming the very thing I picked out on others. That was the beginning of the problems.

Everything seemed fine and dandy (like Christmas candy) through the rest of 2019, and that was (as I saw it) because I became the Liberty Batman (initially and partly out of spite to the Trolls since I had my obsession with training like Batman physically) and it led to the eventual formation of the Liberty Batfamily (to be renamed Batphamily after an inside joke happened). It was a thing I had created for myself, and through curiosity, maybe even pure happenstance I saw an opportunity to make it more than a solo thing. That friend group that was created from that was once again some of the best fun that I had at college.

Fast forward now to end of 2019, beginning of 2020. I had been growing closer to a member of the group as you all who have been here may now, but if not I was this close to dating a friend I made through this venture. Then the snowball effect of all my lacking to do schoolwork and prioritize play and fun hit me. I flunked out of college, was asked to not to return to LU for the Spring 2020 semester. That started to put a strain on the friend group as I had effectively been the head of the group, the lifeblood even as I organized all of our get togethers (after all I did start the group). The events of that ultimate fallout between the girl stating that things wouldn't work is when I started to close up once again and attempted to isolate myself. This time was the worst.

I lashed out on the group, lashed out at a former best friend, and as a result he left me because I hurt him and discredited all he believed and stood for (because having been his best friend as well, I knew all that was important to him and in my immaturity I leveraged that to my advantage). That group dissolved and had only lasted from about July 2019 to end of January 2020. I won't elaborate too much on this because I've written it all before.

Fast forward finally to November 2020. To today. I had spent months trying to heal from the pain of losing the first and closest thing I had to a relationship. I mean after all for a solid month we were texting each other things like "I love you" so the emotional connection was definitely strong. While yes I wasn't in a relationship officially, it was still the closest thing I had since we did stuff together, snuggled on a couch together (at a friend's house watching Polar Express), and just did things together.

Needless to say relationships and emotions have become a touchy area for me, and it took me 7-8 months to heal and feel ready enough to get back out there. Maybe it's pathetic it took me that long to heal, but I guess everyone processes things differently. Moving on, recently I felt like I wanted to ask a girl out from work. She seems nice, and I worked with her for about 2 months and have achieved some level of friendship. On Friday, November 6th, I mustered up the courage to ask her out. Initially she said yes, and gave me her number (after I asked) so I could get the details down. All was going smoothly, my first attempt diving back into the ocean went well. Until it didn't.

Yesterday, November 8th, I got a text from her saying the following (yes I am aware of my grammatical error as I changed my thought and didn't proofread before sending. The idea is the same though):

So yeah......

I was hurt. I still am hurt. Not as much though had I managed to plan everything out and get her to do something and then her telling me, I would think. At least it's out there and she didn't lead me on, which is good. The heart is not something to play with and I'm glad she chose to not play with mine. An honorable and respectable action.

I don't know why, but I now spaced myself away from a discord server that I spend a lot of time on during this pandemic since I can't really hang out with friends as freely, and many are in college anyways. So here I go again, isolating myself when I probably should be running to fellowship and camaraderie. But I felt as if I were a burden to them, even though I was venting in a text channel specifically for venting and looking for support. I guess because I had other issues like a coworker stepping on me metaphorically and using me for info on schedules and if paychecks come in (basically I was their messenger dog, I guess, which I refuse to be anymore), as well as I'm experiencing a burnout at work for other reasons. I felt like my problems are very much first world problems (and they are) and that I shan't be complaining because life could be a whole lot worse and way less plush.

And I know that the devil attacks those isolated because there is no support system to help them through the dark times. I know I put myself in a darker place by isolating myself. Sure things would be dark because I am hurt, but it could be less dark if I requested support from my friends instead of pulling away.

I don't know if me writing all this means I'll necessarily go back right away. I don't intend to leave all those friends forever because they haven't wronged me and it would be unfair for me to abandon them since it seemed to me that they all enjoyed my presence. But I think for now I will stay alone and find something to do to pull myself back together. It's been a tough year of growth and of learning all about myself, and I hope to mature in these times and be better to hopefully rid myself of these less than stellar defense mechanisms and behaviors.

With all that, ciao for now, I'll be around somewhere, hopefully healing.