i just want to be appreciated

Maybe I'm being overdramatic or overanalyzing things or being too harsh to myself, but I just can't help but feel these feelings of being under/not appreciated. With that being said, let's get right into it.

So there's one coworker who for fun we usually roast back and forth, I mostly just teasing her about how she's 4'11". Albeit there are others that are spur of the moment ones that can be a bit harsh, which I feel like I have to say. That and the whole "don't dish out what you can't take". Somehow she tends to nail ones that get to me, and it gets me wondering if those are just part of the dynamic our friendship (if you will) has, or if there's even some truth to it. She would call on things like "oh I'm the one actually in a relationship", "oh no one wants you because have you looked in a mirror", "oh your only skills are slicing so we'll leave that to you", and the one that hit most today was "you're creepy". The first couple stung because I've tried for so long to find a relationship and after 18 crushes, 8 rejections, and 1 close call, it just is a sensitive area. I get, Geoff just man up, it's not a big deal if you're single, etc. But it still is a sore subject. Then the talking about my looks, and I'm self-conscious about that as it is, I don't need anymore teasing of it. Sure every now and then is fine, I mean if I pick on the same attributes that I'm sure probably don't go over well (I would imagine my jabs at her height make her feel bad), then I should be ready to take repetitive hits in areas that pain me. The whole skill one didn't bother me because I know I have skills, examples being my certification by the National Guild of Piano Teachers, or even my first degree black belt in which I used to have a regular class that I TAUGHT. I knew those things and I brushed that comment off because I like to hold to the idea that "if you're good you'll tell everyone; if you're great everyone will tell you". Then the last bit, "you're creepy". I get it I tried to ask out a different coworker and it ultimately didn't work out, but I've moved on from it. I've just pretended like nothing changed and that things can go on as normal, but she's not making it so easy. And then the coworker I tease saying that makes me wonder, is it true? Is it seen as me being creepy that I hang around just chatting for 10-15 minutes after my shift is over? Is it creepy that I asked a coworker out? Am I creepy? Is that why I'm single and probably forever will be? And here I thought I could be a decent boyfriend and hopefully husband someday, but if I'm creepy, then that will never happen, so I guess I might as well give up on relationships.

The other thing was since today is the day after Thanksgiving, and even with the pandemic restrictions in place, people still had compromises and worked through to enjoy the holiday. Everyone was talking about their holiday events and was asking each other. Well, everyone asked each other except for me.

Now maybe that was because I hadn't really assigned any tasks to anyone so they were milling about and they were catching up, whereas I was more or less doing some finishing touches for the opening so I wasn't readily available to ask about my holiday. But then again I could've been asked and then I could have stopped for a few moments, even a few minutes to chat. But nope, no one cared about how my Thanksgiving went.

To top it all off, I've been waiting for the official promotion to shift leader because I do everything a shift leader does and it was in the talks 3 months ago to which I haven't a clue anymore. I do so much to make the owners' lives easy by accepting to do 5 openings a week, SOLO. Which isn't necessarily hard especially as I've devised the way I do 'em to which it makes it enjoyable in its own way, but before the pandemic, we would have 2 or 3 people doing the opening, so a huge dynamic change there. The owners occasionally say they are grateful for my flexibility to work and the responsibilities I've taken up, but without at least a pay raise or just the title at the absolute minimum, it feels like they don't really appreciate me. I know maybe that's dumb and selfish, and maybe it is unfair as each of the 4 stores they own has been understaffed, but at least throw me a little bone because I could've quit at any point and found a new job elsewhere and everyone else is hungry for new staff. I could've left them to scramble and find someone to open the store 5 days a week when we're open 7 (sure that's only 70% of the openings, but think of the peace of mind I provide for doing those, and how chaotic it will be if I left and they had to find someone to do it because I can't imagine they would want to do it themselves). Just anything more than the very rare and incredibly infrequent "thanks for being flexible".

I don't know what's gotten into me, but I'm tired, I'm burning out, I'm starting to loathe getting up for work. I'm starting to hate my job, but I also love the people because I've made many a friendship and have had a good amount of fun laughing together, making comments about odd/rude customers, etc. But this is wearing me all down. I don't know how much longer I can do all of this. I don't know how long I can hold on. I just want to give up. I want to feel like people like me. I want to feel appreciated and not some social outcast or the broken toy that people feel bad about so they let them in. I want to feel good. I want to feel strong. I want to feel loved. But I guess I can't have any of that because no one wants me for me. No one appreciates me for me. I'm just the weird guy who streams video games and isn't at all entertaining to watch. I'm just the loser that has no friends so people tolerate me in person and act like my friend. I'm just the creep who is weird around girls and makes them feel weird when I hang out for social time. I'm the weird one who tries to be a leader but is in fact only leading myself and fooling myself into thinking people actually like or appreciate my ideas.

Maybe I should just give up. Stop hanging out after work. Stop being social and see if anyone cares enough to notice my disappearance since I frequent a community server where I think I have friends, but who knows, maybe I'm just another pity case there. Maybe I am a creep. Maybe I am a loser. Maybe I am destined to be single forever but cursed with the want to be with someone so I can feel loved. Maybe the world hates me and I'm cursed to be cold and unloved and not cared about.

If you happen to find this post and read it all, don't bother mentioning it. I won't believe anything is true of what you try to reassure me with. There's no way to change my mind because all of these things said to me must at least have some grain of truth, otherwise why ever say it.

That's all for now, I suppose.

I Wonder

 It probably doesn't help that I remember numbers well enough to recognize certain days or dates, or patterns, etc. In most instances it's a very handy skill of mine, when someone asks at work for x, y, or z, I can tell them without much thought some basic numbers and do basic calculations almost faster than someone who pulls their phone out for the calculator (okay, so maybe not huge multiplication or division problems, but you get the idea).

Come Saturday, November 21st, 2020, it will be the 1 year since the one girl I got close with admitted her feelings for me. The same girl I had crushed on for 3 months up to that point, and was trying to just maybe one day get her to like me back. To maybe get that relationship finally, to have someone to care for and someone to give all my love to. It would be happenstance that lead me to questioning and it would be thanks to LU Crushes that I would find out that she apparently likes me. It would be that day, the 21st, that I text her asking her to talk, maybe over dinner (easy enough being a student at LU and thanks to the Plus Dining Plan). It would be through circumstance or pure luck that I would end up getting a (very) late lunch with my former best friend and her, to which he had somewhere to go and I was alone (ish because it was at the North campus dining area, so naturally people were around) with her. She would ask me if I had something I wanted to talk about. After lots of hesitation, I would finally get the words out, saying that I was messaging LU Crushes asking for their advice and help on what I should be doing, and how they said that she liked me back. At first I was unsure of how the conversation would go because while yes it was common knowledge that I liked her (well in the sense that she knew anyways) I wasn't sure if I had just been overthinking and that maybe for whatever reason the admins of Crushes were trolling me (I'm not sure why they would since that'd be cruel and unkind, and totally out of their nature to do). It was after all of that that she would pull out her phone and show me this long paragraph of a crush post that she had originally submitted the day before but because she wasn't sure when I was going to do my nightly check of the page and how long community groups would go (she was a community group leader) that she asked them to not post it. And after reading it, it made me feel elation like I've never felt before. Reading how there were various aspects she wrote about me, which shows that she was paying attention and noticed the finer details. The only post (well does it count since it never got officially posted?) that I ever found the source.

Honestly, I still have that post saved in my Google Notes. Why? I don't know, it's a good question. While yes all of the mutual feelings have faded and gone on so in a ways those words no longer mean as they read, it was still nice to have. To know that I'm not as unlikable as I see myself. To know that others can and will see me for who I am and love me just the way I am. To know that I don't have to be some super buff jock, or incredibly intelligent brain surgeon to find someone. To just be reassured that there is nothing wrong with me and that perhaps someday someone will be able to see that in me again.

So as you can see, there are a lot of strong and good feelings and memories that exist. To just think of those times as good times (which was hard for me to do for a long while since I was hurt by the loss and anything that reminded me of it was painful knowing what I could have had). And that leads me to my main point for today.

As you may know (or don't, it's fine) I was the Liberty Batman. It was through my little fun mostly Instagram account that I would create the friend group that I would hang out with this girl a lot (as well as the others, but for the emotional aspect, the girl here is the focus). And naturally that account follows everyone (or at least it did) who was a part of that group. In hindsight if I really had wanted to keep it anonymous, probably not the best idea ever, but oh well. To this day, aside from not following the former Nightwing (due to my own immaturity and backlash towards him when we had our falling out, but also thank God for us to begin coming back together), the account follows everyone else who was a part of that group. With this girl included.

So on the few days that are separated by weeks and even months that I actually post on it (mostly just memes or Batman related content I found on the internet since I can't exactly bring my cosplay to the campus anytime soon), I can see the Instagram stories of those I follow (obviously). And sometimes she has something on her story, so out of curiosity, I would click on it and just view whatever it is she posted. I don't mean to say that I miss her as a former potential relationship, but more of just a friend even. Some days I wonder how her life has been ever since that fall out. Because prior to that fall out, she would tell me about how she's lost so many friends due to various reasons and she feels like that sometimes she doesn't have any "real" friends. I used to be one of those "real" ones, until I suddenly wasn't. My personal account has been blocked by her on both Facebook and Instagram, and maybe I should take that as a sign of "the time that God has called for you to be together whether as friends or more, has come and gone. You were given the lessons God had planned for you in that relationship, and now it's time to move on and look towards the next part of the plan." Maybe this is a part of how she would pray about our relationship (back when it was even barely feasible (it would have had to been long distance, but I was ready to make 452 miles work when otherwise I'd have to make 1,457 miles work), and she would say that God said that we were to live our lives separate from each other. So maybe the blocking on social media was part of that. But then I wonder why not block the Batman? I mean she unfollowed the Batman (which is fine since I hardly use the account anyways) but why not block it so I have absolutely zero means of seeing how her life is going or what she does? I mean I guess in a way it could be a "look at my life and see how I'm thriving even without you" so it could be a bit of a chip on the shoulder, but I would think that's not her nature (unless things have really changed her).

Sometimes I just want to reach out. But I know I've made many and multiple attempts through various methods to at least find some level of communication. I've sent letters to her home, I attempted to send a blog post that was the beginning of it all to her Facebook messenger (it was the first time I actually got to speak with the former best friend, but after that it was radio silence for another 3-4 months). In my season of recognizing that I have been wrong and I have wronged others, that accepting my faults and asking for forgiveness is the first step into becoming a better man. But I also need to know and accept that sometimes even if you ask for forgiveness, I may not receive it. There's nothing I could do and there's no reason I should feel upset or peeved or what have you if a party chooses to not forgive me. Because the truth of the matter is: have I really, and I mean really forgiven everyone who's wronged me (or that I even perceived to have wronged me)? And if and when I see that the answer to that is "no", then do I really get a say in being upset by not being forgiven?

I don't know why I want to check in. I don't really seek nor know how to restart a friendship nor maintain it if I should even be so lucky. Maybe this really is just one of those things that I should let go and move on from. That just because she was the first girl to let me hold her hand and hug her and be close with, open to, etc. that I shouldn't drop everything to try to win her back even on a platonic level. That there are plenty of people out there I could become friends with and maybe even achieve similar levels of closeness and openness, and this one person out of everyone in the world is going to be statistically insignificant. I guess I'm trying to adopt a mentality of my former best friend: to end things not as enemies, and to at least walk away with a peace knowing that there are no hard feelings. I'm sure that if nothing ever happens or if zero communication happens between me and this guy even despite our slow reconciliation that it wouldn't be hurtful to either of us since we both have forgiven each other and have at the very least made our peace with each other. So maybe I'm seeking to make peace with her before just walking away and never thinking of her again (theoretically anyways I know that somehow there will be some memory of her given that emotional bonds are strong and hard to forget).

Maybe it is dumb that I'm wondering about how she's doing. Maybe I should just let her live her life and be happy for her, knowing that I did what I could trying to apologize and make contact. Maybe I should just write it off and just pretend like it never happened. But a part of me still want to try because my faith says that there is an afterlife in Heaven. And if that's indeed where I am going when I die, I am almost certain that one way or another I will see her there. I know that life is full of various people of differing beliefs and walks of life. I know that sometimes you can't please everyone, even if you really want to (which is apparently a common middle child characteristic, so go figure). That God loves every person I have crossed paths with, even if I didn't love them. So maybe this is something I shan't worry about and just let things go.

A strange place that I am in and one that I'm not sure anyone has the answers to. One where I know what I want but am unsure of it's the wisest path to go for and if it's the one that will help me settle anything on my own mind. Maybe I should just let it go and accept the fact that as one of the LU Crushes admins have said: different dates, places, songs, items, etc. will trigger and bring forth memories of the past and it can and will be hurtful. But that hurt doesn't have to define me, and even if it is saddening.

To end this post, I guess I should stick to one saying from Walt Disney that I really like and have used many a times: "Don't be sad that it's over; be glad that it happened." I could be sad that I lost my friendship and the potential romantic relationship with her, but I have learned a lot about myself and what it really means to love another. While I may have been hurt, I have gained wisdom, knowledge, and experience to prepare me for my future, no matter where it goes or where it may lead.

Isolation

Something I've noticed about myself is that when things get tough, when things go awry and not the way I had planned for, hoped for, or wanted it to go, that I isolate myself because I think that my problems are not worth asking help for. It's a habit or maybe even coping mechanism that I've had for years on end. I hear talk of how as a toddler (and potentially younger) I would do this. If something hadn't gone my way back then, I would apparently say "go away, I don't want you." Immature, yes, but it is what it is. I can't really speak for my past self, especially that age, but all I do know is that I was attempting to isolate myself because I wanted to be on my own to process my own things: my emotions of upsetness, anger, discouragement, etc.

It is still a behavior that I notice in myself today, years later. There are definitely instances in which this has occurred again since being a toddler (circa '02) but I can't think of any off the top of my head. The point being that this is how I have been and I guess how I still am. Whether or not I will actually work on changing this about myself is a story and a talk for another time.

2020 has been an odd year. A year for plenty of growth, and a lot of exposition on my more negative and crude behaviors and patterns. Being a guy who can relatively easily recognize patterns to memorize things or sequences faster, this is something I have noticed especially in this year and as I look back over the course of 2019. When things are going ill in comparison to how I planned, I close up, I become rash and blinded by my anger or discontentment. Take 2019, I had once been a part of what was the LU Crush Trolls (people who just frequently commented and otherwise messed around on the Facebook page LU Crushes for those who may read this and be unknowing to what that means). I had really enjoyed my time being with them as I've had some of the best fun I've ever had in my short college career. Fast forward a few months later, and there was some instance where I was being called out for something I called others out for. To me I didn't see it then, so I saw it as an unprompted attack. I closed up and started lashing out at them, meanwhile they were (in hindsight) just trying to help me avoid becoming the very thing I picked out on others. That was the beginning of the problems.

Everything seemed fine and dandy (like Christmas candy) through the rest of 2019, and that was (as I saw it) because I became the Liberty Batman (initially and partly out of spite to the Trolls since I had my obsession with training like Batman physically) and it led to the eventual formation of the Liberty Batfamily (to be renamed Batphamily after an inside joke happened). It was a thing I had created for myself, and through curiosity, maybe even pure happenstance I saw an opportunity to make it more than a solo thing. That friend group that was created from that was once again some of the best fun that I had at college.

Fast forward now to end of 2019, beginning of 2020. I had been growing closer to a member of the group as you all who have been here may now, but if not I was this close to dating a friend I made through this venture. Then the snowball effect of all my lacking to do schoolwork and prioritize play and fun hit me. I flunked out of college, was asked to not to return to LU for the Spring 2020 semester. That started to put a strain on the friend group as I had effectively been the head of the group, the lifeblood even as I organized all of our get togethers (after all I did start the group). The events of that ultimate fallout between the girl stating that things wouldn't work is when I started to close up once again and attempted to isolate myself. This time was the worst.

I lashed out on the group, lashed out at a former best friend, and as a result he left me because I hurt him and discredited all he believed and stood for (because having been his best friend as well, I knew all that was important to him and in my immaturity I leveraged that to my advantage). That group dissolved and had only lasted from about July 2019 to end of January 2020. I won't elaborate too much on this because I've written it all before.

Fast forward finally to November 2020. To today. I had spent months trying to heal from the pain of losing the first and closest thing I had to a relationship. I mean after all for a solid month we were texting each other things like "I love you" so the emotional connection was definitely strong. While yes I wasn't in a relationship officially, it was still the closest thing I had since we did stuff together, snuggled on a couch together (at a friend's house watching Polar Express), and just did things together.

Needless to say relationships and emotions have become a touchy area for me, and it took me 7-8 months to heal and feel ready enough to get back out there. Maybe it's pathetic it took me that long to heal, but I guess everyone processes things differently. Moving on, recently I felt like I wanted to ask a girl out from work. She seems nice, and I worked with her for about 2 months and have achieved some level of friendship. On Friday, November 6th, I mustered up the courage to ask her out. Initially she said yes, and gave me her number (after I asked) so I could get the details down. All was going smoothly, my first attempt diving back into the ocean went well. Until it didn't.

Yesterday, November 8th, I got a text from her saying the following (yes I am aware of my grammatical error as I changed my thought and didn't proofread before sending. The idea is the same though):

So yeah......

I was hurt. I still am hurt. Not as much though had I managed to plan everything out and get her to do something and then her telling me, I would think. At least it's out there and she didn't lead me on, which is good. The heart is not something to play with and I'm glad she chose to not play with mine. An honorable and respectable action.

I don't know why, but I now spaced myself away from a discord server that I spend a lot of time on during this pandemic since I can't really hang out with friends as freely, and many are in college anyways. So here I go again, isolating myself when I probably should be running to fellowship and camaraderie. But I felt as if I were a burden to them, even though I was venting in a text channel specifically for venting and looking for support. I guess because I had other issues like a coworker stepping on me metaphorically and using me for info on schedules and if paychecks come in (basically I was their messenger dog, I guess, which I refuse to be anymore), as well as I'm experiencing a burnout at work for other reasons. I felt like my problems are very much first world problems (and they are) and that I shan't be complaining because life could be a whole lot worse and way less plush.

And I know that the devil attacks those isolated because there is no support system to help them through the dark times. I know I put myself in a darker place by isolating myself. Sure things would be dark because I am hurt, but it could be less dark if I requested support from my friends instead of pulling away.

I don't know if me writing all this means I'll necessarily go back right away. I don't intend to leave all those friends forever because they haven't wronged me and it would be unfair for me to abandon them since it seemed to me that they all enjoyed my presence. But I think for now I will stay alone and find something to do to pull myself back together. It's been a tough year of growth and of learning all about myself, and I hope to mature in these times and be better to hopefully rid myself of these less than stellar defense mechanisms and behaviors.

With all that, ciao for now, I'll be around somewhere, hopefully healing.