This morning, as I was tying my shoes to leave the house for work, I had a moment of thoughts that kinda went along the lines of "move on entirely from everything that had brought stress on your emotional life this year". Meaning, I should just keep things as is, never post "Restitution" and just move on with my life. I did hesitate for a moment though. I wonder if that's because part of me is saying I should at least forgive those in my past and then move on, rather than my thoughts today of just moving on without forgiving, or if that was the part of me that was still stuck in the past and wanting to just go back and live things as if none of the downfalls had happened.
Then as I pulled into my work's parking lot, I was listening to KLOVE and the song that came on was for KING & COUNTRY's "Burn The Ships". For those who haven't heard nor listened to the song before, the message behind it is to have you rise up from your ashes and wherever you have gotten comfortable, and burn it all so you can move on. To better explain it, it's not to say that you should purposely seek out challenges and uncertainties in life, but more of just analyzing your life for areas that you know you could potentially be doing better in, but you don't get up and go because the life you live now is safe, it's recognizable. The unknown is scary and you don't know when the next time you will find safe harbor
A story that best explains it (and I'll be paraphrasing), is that a ship captain has all of his sailors sitting in their comfy ship. They are anchored down at the shores, and there is a whole new land that the captain wants to explore. But a captain is only a captain if there is a crew to lead. The crew doesn't want to go exploring because they don't know what's out there. They know their ship, they know the comforts of the shelter it provides, and they have no reason to leave and go explore. They have gotten complacent and unwilling to explore the potential greater things out there because they are comfortable. So the captain orders everyone off the ship, and as a good crew, they follow the captain's orders. As soon as they are all off and a safe distance away, they light the ship on fire. That destroys their sense of safety and comfort, and while that might not seem good right now, they will never know of the treasures they could find out there because they never wanted to leave. But with no ship to return to, they have one choice: to explore. They are going to be exposed anyways even if they stayed by the shore, so they might as well give it a shot and move forwards and not return to the ship anymore.
So I wonder that for myself what if college and everything I had come to know and come to love was my ship? I mean sure, I did learn a lot about myself and I grew in ways I probably wouldn't have grown if I had skipped out on going to college in the first place. What if I had gotten so complacent and lackadaisical with life that that is what brought my downfall and led me to where I am today? What if 2020 was my time to have my ship burned and time for me to go on out into the world and explore for the greater good and development of myself?
So if that is the case and this indeed was my ship, then what aspects do I allow to burn and turn to ash? Because I will rise out of the ashes, but how much of what I had known will become nothing but ashes? My living away from home for now is ash, my education is ash, my freedom to waste time doing anything I had pleased is now ash. Do my relationships and friendships have to be ash too? Or do I keep those and move on with life with them? To seek out redemption, restitution, mending, etc.?
I don't know if I'm healing or being clingy. Was my thought of never returning to speak to either Sophia or Dan a true and good decision? To just burn whatever is left and whatever chances of restoring a friendship? To just move on completely and never look back? Or am I to try to do my part and seek the opportunity to forgive them and then if they will allow, a healing and restoration of the friendships we once had?
I guess time will tell, and as I'm sure many people would say: pray about it. Let the Author of my life, the Creator of the universe, God of all nations, King of all kings, Lord Almighty, tell me what His decision is in all of this and what His plan says I should do and how I should proceed.
I have a lot to think about, and a decision in my semi-near future: do I leave the past? Completely and fully committed, without a second thought of looking back?
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