So it leaves me to wonder, how will I know when the time is right, and how will I know if I'm jumping the gun and acting too quickly? How do I know my actions are the right ones to take? Some would say, "Geoff, you'll know when the time is right because you'll feel it", and maybe they're right. Maybe I truly will feel it in my soul; in my bones. Maybe I will know when the time is right.
Okay, okay, so maybe I'm beating around the bush and I should just get to the point. Well as far as most other timing, I feel like I have a good sense of when is right and when is not. But what I'm specifically referring to is apologies and forgiving. I don't know if what I'm feeling is a sense of "this is it, the time is now, start the process", or if it's more of, "I just want to go back to the way things were".
Am I ready for the process to begin? Have I forgiven myself, and if I have, have I truly forgiven myself? Meaning that, have I forgiven myself of the trespasses and wrongs that I see myself as having done, or am I just saying that I forgave myself and I will just end up returning to a damaged state full of misconceptions and false beliefs. Like before the whole space creation that Sophia did so I can heal, I thought I was good to go, but then I still blamed myself for all the wrong that happened in the prior months. That I was hurting and trying to trick myself that nothing has changed and everything was fine and dandy like Christmas candy.
I'd like to think I made progress in the past 3 weeks of space and rediscovering myself and what matters. Okay, that wording is harsh. I don't mean to say that people don't matter in my life. I mean to say that there are perspectives, knowledge, and wisdom that I haven't realized as important before until now. I haven't realized that I need to rebuild my confidence, to move on, to learn that I just gotta adapt. Okay that didn't exactly do it justice, but my point being is that I was stuck in a place where I could not heal, and I was being unwilling to accept the changes in life. It was an unhealthy practice because no matter what happened this year, life is full of twists and turns, highs and lows, curveballs and corkscrews, you name it. Even if I tried imagine if I had done better in school to stay enrolled, I would have had to learn how to adapt to the coronavirus because the pandemic would have happened anyways. So maybe what 2020 is trying to teach me is how to be light on my feet and not so unmoving (although being strong-rooted sometimes is very handy, so just learn to adapt and be flexible).
Before I end up digressing too much, I wonder if the time is right for me to begin my processes to forgive and apologize. Because today I was just checking Instagram stories and I saw one that Sophia did and I wanted to just ask her about it, in a friendly manner of course. Because she had made a wand (I assume Harry Potter related or inspired), and it looked cool. For context, back in high school, I attempted to make my own wand using a wood dowel, paper, hot glue, and black spray paint, therefore leading to some curiosity anyways. But given the fact that space was created between us, I wasn't sure if I should have attempt contact. That would not be wise, I think, at least not until I made proper amends, as well as accept her apology and forgive her. I feel like she would want me to at least accept her apology, and I should because she really didn't do anything wrong and she apologized anyways.
So I'm a bit all over the place. I want to try to move on and move forwards. To try to keep a friendship, if there is one to keep, and move on from the past. But I don't know if I'm actually ready to begin, or if I am tricking myself again and I'm not ready.
How will I be able to discern if it is the right time when I have moments like this? I guess I just gotta feel it out and try to rationalize potential avenues of what is and isn't genuine and real.
Timing is truly everything, and the question that I want answered now is just: is it time?
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