Total Nonsense

So much for believing that everything happened for a reason.

So much for thinking that connections I've made in the past, that there would even be a maintained friendship.

So much for thinking that there was something that was good out of all of these various things, and they were created and provided new and great things.

It was brought to my attention that even though it was expressed that the friendship is appreciated and is something that could still exist, even without the romantic feelings attached (which is fine), that the truth of the matter is that they don't want anything to do with me.

That I "need to find new friends". That "they're gone". But what the hell? What would have happened whenever we all graduate, had I returned to school? We graduate and then that's it? No more friendship, no more relationship or whatever would have happened?

What happened to the "I believe God put everything here for a reason"? From bringing us to Liberty. How did I end up there? How did she end up there from Oklahoma where she had already been going to school there? Or what about the "creation of the Batman"? That one's "creative talents" brought them to the Batman. That the Batman was created to bring us together. And now what? We're done? Even as friends?

How does any of this amount to anything of "God does everything for a reason"? Sounds like a whole load of bullshit to me. There's no other way to view this. This is so nonsensical. This just doesn't seem fair nor does it seem right. That these people I cross paths with are only there for a moment in my life and then that's it?

I mean not to sound ungrateful, but how do I still maintain friendships from high school? Even the ones I didn't really text much over my time at college? Seems like I still have enough of a friendship that we can still connect. Yet I haven't seen some of them since that final day at high school, or even the latest my birthday party before college started. Still a few years that I haven't seen them. But I'm still friends with them. So you're telling me that you're not even willing to make it work just to be friends? Come on, there's gotta be something more to you than that. You seemed to be such a kind person who gives people a chance. But you don't want me to try amending damages I caused to the friendship and now you're telling me that I need to move on and find new friends, which sounds a lot like "we were your friends, but now we're not because things have changed, so you need to find new friends and move on".

I need to take breaks. I don't know, my faith hasn't been strong, and I feel like I need to step away for a moment because otherwise I'll be jaded. I need to work on myself in my own ways before I can bring myself to trust something I can't understand, to something that claims to make promises and does all things for my good.

All in all, everything is not at all great. How is any of this to make sense? How am I to move on and find new friends with this coronavirus crap going around?

This is all too confusing. I need to find myself.