Maybe my clinging did more continual damage that I was unaware of.
Maybe I ruined myself.
Maybe I should have learned sooner.
I was reflecting a bit today. Thinking about how maybe I was clouded in my judgments. Clouded because I couldn't move on. Clouded because I was so stuck on the past. Clouded because I have this deep seeded anger, this hatred towards the world, towards God even, because everything was finally working out for me and now everything is upside down.
From getting kicked out of college, from losing the best friend group I have ever had (because of my actions and words), to losing the closest thing I had to a relationship with someone had thought to be perfect for me, to even the whole world shutting down to a virus. It seemed like blow after blow, hit after hit, strike after strike, and I couldn't get a moment to take a breather and get back up.
These past few days since getting and finally reading that apology has been stark contrasts of each other. Days full of brightness and a more positive outlook on things and realizing there was a point in the words said before the apology was issued. Days and moments of pure darkness, of hatred and anger that I said things even here out of spite. Anger that I cannot reason why I have.
I have mixed feelings. I know very little what is the right course of action and what isn't. Part of me acknowledges the truth in the matter that maybe plenty of space needs to be set in place so as to give me a chance to reset myself truly. Not just a few days' break and then return. Maybe not even just a week. Maybe it has to be an indefinite amount of time until I can truly get myself set straight. Other parts of me want to revert some actions, such as the blocking of messages and just responding to the apology. To at least show some grace as was shown to me not too long before this. To just realize that I am too easily pushed to illogical emotion and action.
How did I get to this thinking? I saw a repost of a quote by C.S. Lewis on Reddit saying, "You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending". I know it is true. I cannot go back in time to even convince myself to do better in school so as to not have been hit with the academic suspension, because without that, then the rest of the "problems" of this year would not have happened, save for the coronavirus and schools closing because that would be inevitable. No amount of academic success nor failure could have stopped that part of the year, but I could have stopped the destruction of the Liberty Batfamily. I could have stopped the loss of good times with someone I came to love.
I know I need to pick myself up and go. To remember why we fall (Bruce).
It's partially hard because I feel like even as I feel myself walking a bit further and further away from God each day, that I still hold somethings close to my heart and have ideal scenarios. It might sound dumb but I still want a girl who has saved herself for a special someone. Maybe it's dumb and won't work in the end, but given my relative young age, I still kinda want a girl who's never kissed another guy. Heck, I even don't want to kiss a girl unless I know she's someone I want to be with forever. Just because I feel like that that is something special and not to be used just kissing any girl I date. I think back on times I had even wanted to kiss her. She knew it too.
I know I shouldn't dwell on this. It isn't healthy. At least to not dwell on memories and wishes I had wanted with her anyways. I can still want to save my first kiss and stuff like that
Maybe she was right. Maybe me trying to make the friendship work again so soon was causing so much more damage to me more than I could perceive and more than I could know because I was too focused on all the wrong things.
I'm torn because some days I just think to myself, "maybe I just won't ever date, that way I cannot get hurt like this again", but even that is toxic and unhealthy. To see it as nothing as getting hurt is not fair and not right. But then my mind rationalizes that there is indeed truth to it.
I am really confused in where I am. I am confused on where I will go. I guess I should really take this social distancing, coronavirus restrictions and what not to, if not work on my relationship with Christ (since I mentioned I've been falling away for whatever reason I cannot find right now), to work on my own healing. To truly heal. To not just take a couple of days off and return. To not even take a couple of weeks off with occasional messaging through Instagram story reactions. To truly rediscover myself. To focus on working on myself. So that if the day comes and if it is in the cards for me to date and be in a relationship that I am complete on my own. That I am not seeking a relationship to be my completion.
Maybe things do happen for a reason.
Maybe that as unfortunate as this year has been, there is some good in that I am getting a chance to work on myself some more now that I have experienced some of the great things of relationships.
Maybe there is a chance that this can all somehow work for my good.
Maybe this is for the better, even as easy it is to perceive this year as nothing but setbacks, knock downs, and negativity.
Maybe this is all the truth of the matter.
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