Tonight after we had concluded our family dinner, I wandered over to eat a cookie and watch some TV to close out the night. I couldn't find anything on the regular channels, so I went to Epix. Upon doing so, I scrolled briefly through their options and eventually settled on the movie playing on their "live" slot, which was (as you can probably guess from the title of the post) Captain America: The First Avenger.
I hadn't watched this movie in a little while, so I forgot some of the stuff although it came back to me as we went along. There are a couple of points I want to touch upon, so this might be a long post and something I probably shouldn't be writing at 12:30 a.m.
First things first, since it's best to just get it out of the way so to speak, the part of the love story between Steve Rogers and Peggy Carter. I'm not going to be focusing too much on the character's relationship, but more on the ideas around it. In the movie they each show growing feelings for one another and that they've been waiting for the right person, or as they say, the "right partner" in context of dancing. It sort of became their semi-subtle way of showing affection. It got me thinking on my own life and where I'm at.
Part of me feels like I want to wall off from relationships and everything given the events that have transpired this year, part of me still wants what I had once had before this year got messy, and part of me wants to move on and try to find a relationship elsewhere. There's problems with each part. First off, to wall myself off seems a bit rash. I don't think it'd be fair to me or mature even to get so jaded in a pursuit to find someone with the intention of marriage. It's been semi-ingrained in my head that I want to be someone's boyfriend then maybe husband, to eventually be a father and maybe even a grandfather some day (assuming I have kids who want kids). I had tried for the greater portion of the last 5.5 almost 6 years to find a girlfriend. I've gone through crush after crush from freshman year of high school, all through my 2.5 years at Liberty. I don't rehearse the numbers in my head anymore, but I think it was a total of 17 crushes over those 5.5 years. Statistically, I had gone through 3 different girls I had crushed on per year. That's kinda crazy that averaging it out I would crush on someone for 4 months and then move on to another crush. What's my luck in that in my (unknown at the time) final semester I would be spending at Liberty that my crush would crush on me and that we would get close and I was pretty much one step away from being in a relationship. Then to lose it all because hey hey dumbo chicken over here failed out of college.
That all leads into part 2. Part 2 is where I still wish I could have had what I once had. I know at this point it's been pretty much exactly 2 months since that fateful day in which the news would be broken to me that S feels like we are to live separate lives. I don't know if she meant as friends or totally separate because communication has also dropped off a significant amount and I don't know if that's my fault or not, as I said in yesterday's late night post that I had initiated many of the conversations and had wanted to see if she would initiate a conversation. The point being is that while I was ready to try to make a long-distance relationship work, she didn't want to, and that's fine she's allowed to make that choice. It has to be willing on both sides in order for it to go well anyways. Had she gone into a LDR with me regardless, I don't know if it'd be any better because she wouldn't be fully in it. But I wanted it. Quite honestly, I still want it. Simultaneously, I don't know if it's just a mental suppression my mind is subconsciously working on, but I don't know things feel different whenever I see something she posts or something even her sister posts (yes, I follow her sister on Instagram. This has been a thing since around Christmas time when she followed me as a way to keep an eye on the guy who had an eye for her sister. Admirable, the bond of sisterhood she has). So I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should restart the initiations of even just friendly banter and conversation. Or do I just leave it alone and really just wait and see if she wants to initiate?
Lastly, part 3, where I feel like I want to move on and see if I can find a relationship elsewhere. I don't know if I do that because I feel like it would complete me (because it probably wouldn't), I don't know if that's something I truly want, and I also don't know things as far as logistics. First off, with the whole social-distancing thing being in effect until at least April 30th, I can't physically go on any dates until then. The only contact with people I will have is with coworkers and customers who come in, but that is not a date. That'd be weird. Secondly, since I spent the vast majority of my life in school, I have so many unknowns about this. How do I meet girls, because you have to meet them if you ever want to think about dating them. Next is how do I just get to connect with them on a platonic level and then maybe they might be open to expanding to a more romantic level. For example, with S: I had befriended her because she had offered to help me construct my own version of the batsuit to really create the physical aspect of the Liberty Batman. Admittedly after she messaged the page about it, I did interact with her account more and as I just briefly checked her posts and such, I did already start finding a fancy for her. Anyways, I had eventually inducted her into the Liberty Batfamily (may it rest in peace and by golly do I miss that group, why did I dissolve that?), and from there we had gotten a chance to text daily in a group setting so as to not make it too awkward, in tandem with a few messages back and forth of our own. We had gotten to hang out a bit on a regular basis because we all were residential students, so all we needed to do was find the time. It was easy enough to do because we're all around the same age, and if not we have something that brings us together. If not for the Batman, we all are, or should I say were given my case, Liberty students. With all the get togethers and everything, it had eventually led to S liking me and then we all know the rest from there. So as far as my current situation goes, what do I do? I don't have any means of connecting with someone of potential interest without "going on dates" so to speak. I've never had the opportunity nor the chance to experience any of this. My closest chance I in a ways threw out the door by not doing better academically. I mean sure the rest of my life won't follow the structure of my previous years, but it certainly does leave a huge gap of wondering and confusion, as well as uncertainty. But then the whole world and every day is full of uncertainty right now in the midst of this pandemic.
All in all, I don't know where I am supposed to go or what I am supposed to do as far as relationships go. It's a world that I know probably plays some significance in my life given how much time, effort, and energy I have committed to it, and the fact that my heart will eventually latch on to someone else and draw me back to the playing field so to speak.
I get all these things stuck in my head of statistics like "you probably have met your soulmate before 21", and guess who's 20 going on 21 in about 3.5 months (3 months and 3 weeks exactly if you wanted to know). So in that way, whoever my soulmate is, I've met her already, so is she one of my 17 crushes over the past several years? Or another thing that gets stuck in my mind is "if she's the one for you, she'll come around when the time is right". Well I don't know when the "time will be right", but then that also builds into the whole soulmate thing.
All in all, I guess I just gotta keep on going. If any of those hyped up statements are true, they will come to fruition whenever that right time is. And if not, then we will get the verdict on if these statements are nonsensical. I have a feeling they are false, but the even slight chance it might be true is giving one part of me a hope for something that I had lost.
Okay, this post has gone on way longer than I thought and took way longer to write than initially planned. I'm going to split the next part I wanted to talk about into a separate post I'll write in the daytime. As a teaser for you and a reminder for me, we're going to be talking about heroism and rising up to be who we were meant to be when the desperate times call for us to become bigger than ourselves.
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