will i ever heal

For anyone who is a regular around here, you'd know how my 2019 was amazing and how 2020 has not been as good as I had originally planned it to be. I mean I have learned a lot in 2020, and I feel like I've made progress, but there's so much I wish were different.

And if you've been around for awhile, you would also know how much pain I've been through dealing with the first major heartbreak ever. Sure, I've experienced heartbreak. I've been rejected before, I've jumped the gun so to speak and gotten hurt by it, but never have I actually gotten close enough to love a girl and she to love me back, then to lose it all. It's been weeks of ups and downs, progress of getting better then followed by a day or a few days of getting knocked back down. It's a rollercoaster and being a rollercoaster enthusiast as myself, this is one that I hate.

For the past week or so, I have not sent a text to S on messenger as we normally would do if we were to text each other. I mean throughout the week I did send her some dm's interacting with her Instagram story, and I did send her Snapchat streaks for a little while, but that was it. Snapchat streaks weren't even much because they are streaks and I mass send them to anyone and everyone I have a streak with. So basically the most communication was a few messages here and there on Instagram. Other than that, radio silence.

What I was trying to see was if she would initiate a conversation. Just once. Because while she says she wants to be friends, it just doesn't seem like it's equal effort. Not to say that in order to be friends each person has to initiate a certain number of conversations, but I feel like there should at least be some interest in at the very least a "how's it going" once in awhile. And I know that maybe it's not super clear since I dropped off suddenly, and I still message her elsewhere so she doesn't see it as me waiting to see if she would start first.

To my sad realization, she never once sent me a message first. Never. Sure it's only been a week, but you'd think that she might at the very least find it concerning or odd that I stopped sending her at least a couple of messages a day on messenger, right? She typically picked up on these things. She knew when I was upset, she knew when something bothered me, she knew when I wasn't behaving the same as typical behaviors from me would go. All of that before and during the time we had gotten to loving each other.

And I know it's late since it's almost 1:00 a.m. on April 4th, 2020, so maybe my tiredness led to my breaking, but I was just scrolling TikTok and there was one of just showcasing all the "firsts" in Minecraft. First time playing, first house, first iron ore, etc. And Minecraft now holds a tie to S given how many hours I played with her. And also because of how relatively new she is to the game, this TikTok made me think of her a bit.

Then I also had made a duet myself with a guy who talks about how girls sometimes wonder why guy's stop texting, and he says that it's because the guy always started conversations and just for once he wanted her to start one. I duetted it in spite, just vaguely describing my experiment over this past week. The only thing S had "initiated" was a day and a half ago when she realized we had lost our Snapchat streak. She messages saying "oh no I think we lost our streak". But I had been doing my part, sending at least one or two snaps in the day to try to get Snapchat to register I did my part. She hadn't returned a snap for awhile, hence losing the 15 day streak. But even after she sent that message, she made no attempt to try to restart the streak. Is it because she wants me to initiate? But why? I just want her to initiate once. Just once. To know that it's a two way street that this friendship is something we both want. That it's not a strain to her that I contact her. That I'm not clinging on to even a friendship that doesn't exist anymore. Is that so much to ask for?

I'm hurting. I just want to reach out to her and just be open and be honeat with her. I just want to be better friends with her. Part of me still wishes I could have been her boyfriend and she my girlfriend. But that's not happening. And this whole friendship thing seems to be falling apart a little. I want to tell her how I feel. Tell her I just want to know if she cares about the friendship as I do, even if it's just platonic. I don't care about the romantic, I just thought she wanted the platonic, but now I'm not sure she wants anything to do with me if she doesn't even check in on me as I would have with her.

I can't reach out to her. If I do, then I initiated, and I'm tired of initiating. I mean I'll do it all the time if she wants, but just once or twice every now and then would be nice if she started even just a short exchange. To know that I at least mean something to her that she would want to know something about my day as I would ask about hers. To know that something on the internet might also interest me so she might send it to me to share. To know that something made her think of our friendship and she wants to show me. I don't know, all of those things are things I've done.

Am I asking for too much?

Am I still too bitter?

Am I full of spite and anger?

Will I ever heal?