I find that my faith is wavering. I find that my mental capacity is draining. I've been more irritable lately, and I don't know why.
I find that anger comes to me quicker than ever before. Stress is rising more and more, and the whole coronavirus thing isn't helping.
Tonight, while I was showering (on April 6th, since this post will be marked for April 7th), I was dwelling on the past. Dwelling on how I had so many good times at Liberty. Looking at memories of before my final semester, when life was so called "easier". Back to before I lost my status as a student. Before I lost my chance with the most perfect girl I could have ever asked for. Back before I cast out all my closest friends from Liberty.
There were thoughts of, "she doesn't love you", "she never loved you", "if she cared about you, she would text you", "she's obviously not texting you first, so she doesn't want anything to do with you", and so on and so forth. I guess I'm still struggling to heal from the pains of losing my chances with S, but it never got this bad. I would have thought that after 2 months, I'd be a little better, but in fact I've gotten worse. I just want to reach out and text her to be friends with her. But I don't want to be clingy. I just want to know that she actually values our friendship, and that I didn't hurt her too much and that she doesn't want to associate with me anymore but she's too kind and too nice to push me away.
There are some really dark times and dark clouds surrounding me. I can't find the strength to press on to wait for that dawn that is supposedly coming. I'm so close to just giving up and not caring about anything in this world.
Someone please help.
Where is God in all of this? Why do I not feel His presence? Why can I not hear His voice? I feel so alone, God where are You?
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