Apologies

I don't know why I did what I did, but for some reason I felt like I wanted to reach out to S and just apologize to her. For everything. For my being distant these past 2 weeks. And for everything I've done against her 2 months ago.

I know that some people might think that, "Geoff, it's been 2 months, you need to let it go and move on. It's water under the bridge and you're the only one holding on". And yeah, maybe you're right. But I can't shake it.

It's not so much I'm holding onto the feelings anymore, well at least not as much since every now and then I still reminisce of those amazing times and how good everything had felt, but I don't feel like that's what is killing me. What is is just the realization of the actions I committed, the words I said, and just how subpar I had been for a man. For someone who someone else was saying she saw the maturity growth in the time she's known him. Then to throw it all away and show that I'm still truly immature. That I broke trust, cast out people, did everything a true friend never should have done.

It kills me because I need to realize that friendships aren't something you can have and not have at will. That sometimes you say something or do something and it pushes people away and then they don't want anything to do with you anymore. It isn't meant for you to be friends at your convenience. They are people too. And it's because of that that I still linger on my own actions.

I did so much wrong and should have done things differently. I should have been more mature. I should have just stepped away on my own and respond to the messages and the texts once I had a clear headspace. I should have thought that my blog gets read sometimes and the words I write and post here can and will be hurtful if I am not careful.

Actions have consequences. Some good, some bad. It takes knowledge and wisdom to understand that the weight of this fact really plays a factor in relationships, with no regard if it's platonic or romantic. That what matters is not how you perceive your own growth with a cool temper, but it's when stress rises and emotions are flowing; when the temper runs red hot that we truly get to gauge whether or not we have truly grown. Whether or not we truly have matured.

As evidence of my own action shows, I haven't quite yet grown. And I need to work on that. So to whomever is reading this, I am sorry for my past actions that may have wronged you. I do want to try to do better and I would love to have suggestions and constructive criticism help me get there. I want to do better by everyone. I want to be better. I know I can be better.