https://youtu.be/mJPCUvaGnj0
After rewatching this clip from The Dark Knight Rises, I realize that once again I can make a connection between my life and my favorite comic book character. I realize that there are similarities that I am doing, and I know I need to change this similarity.
In many other cases, my connections or relations I make between the Batman and myself, I think are typically good for me in the sense that it's a good connection. That I need not to change it. But this time, I know I need to change it because it's going to be the end of me or at least make things incredibly difficult down the road (assuming there is a down the road since the world has been so full of crazy and this year has been hectic and so many upside down moments).
If you're reading this, watch the clip I linked above and then it will make sense.
There's a part in which Alfred is talking to Bruce and telling him that Bruce has got to move on from the rut he's been stuck in. During the movie The Dark Knight, we see that Rachel Dawes, the love interest of Bruce Wayne, dies in a tragic explosion rigged by the Joker. With Bruce having held onto the promise of being with Rachel whenever the whole Batman thing was done, he was distraught. He had thought he found the perfect person for him, and now it's all gone for him and he hasn't been able to move on from it. Alfred speaks of Bruce giving up on being the Batman (after the conclusion of The Dark Knight) and not moving on from that life and going back to the world as Bruce Wayne. To try to find a new life outside of the batcave and outside of fighting crime. Even outside of what Bruce's world was and what it could have been.
Now you'll notice I chose my wording to match how I normally write my posts. At least in that last sentence of the previous paragraph.
What if I gave up being the Batman, but I too have not moved on? What if I'm still holding out a hope for something that cannot be for me because situations and circumstances make it so? What if I'm like Bruce and just waiting for something to somehow change everything?
I'm clearly still a bit hung up on S. I still wish for what I had with her, and what I could have had with her if I had not been an idiot and failed out of college. I still contact her relatively frequently, sharing tiktoks to her, texting her updates about my living conditions with the coronavirus so close to home, and just everything. I ask about her life and how she's doing, ask for travel updates as she traveled home for spring break, and ask for updates about what she's going to do now that the rest of this spring semester was shifted to become an online course semester for everyone due to the coronavirus outbreak.
I don't know if I should take a breather and try to slow or limit my communication with her just to prevent my heart from reattaching to her. My mind, and even my heart, sees her as the perfect person. Just her personality and x, y, and z I find to be perfect for me, but now I cannot be with her because a long-distance relationship is going to be tough, and she feels that God is calling separate lives for us. I can't argue with that. I need to just move on with my life.
I've hung up my cape and cowl as Bruce has. I'm stuck in the past and waiting for something to happen to make things back to how they were. I know the truth. There's no going back. There's no way I will ever be able to get back to the way things were. I cannot have anything that could have been this year. Everything's a mess, and I just need to pick myself up and move on. I should not be so stuck on. I should not text her as I used to to falsely give hope to my subconscious that there could be something. I don't know why I am the way I am. This is unhealthy, and I'll just end up like the way they portray Bruce Wayne: stuck in the past for years at a time, just wanting to go back and ready to just accept fate wherever it shows up and just not move on or grow.
I don't know if this is stretching too far to making these connections. I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know why I can't just move on. I don't know what's wrong with me. I need help but I do not know where I can seek help from.
My heart hurts. I'm lost and I'm trying to bring back what has already slipped through my fingers. I'm trying to re-open a door that's already been closed. I'm trying to push on a pull door.
Where do I go? What do I do?
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