Maybe Some Sense

I know that while I caused my own downfall of being kicked out of school, I also have to trust that all of this was part of the plan; more specifically part of God's plan. That He knows what He is doing and that even in my failures and shortcomings, there are lessons for me to grow and experiences I need to embrace to understand.

My mom kinda brought it up while I was mentioning that Liberty is now deciding to not stay open residentially after their spring break (which is all of this week) and switching over to online for nearly all of their classes (save for anything that needs to be hands on like aviation, osteopathic medicine, and nursing). The way my mom phrased it was "maybe with all this craziness going on with [Liberty] it was for the better that you're home and have all your stuff here".

I was caught off guard by that. I mean yeah it makes sense, but honestly I never expected my mom to make light of this in that way considering I had disappointed my parents with the news of my academic suspension. I get it, that even if I were there if I chose to stay home to complete my courses online, I would have to eventually go back down and collect my belongings. Or I'd go back and try to manage since an official article said students can return, but the classes are online regardless (unless otherwise stated).

What I don't know is, well, a lot of things. I mean I can't help but think about things like what could have been. That if I had just been in school because I had, at the very least, performed sufficiently that I would have what I so much yearn for; that I long for. But even if we entertain that idea, right, here's the issue: I'd have been with S in some semblance of a relationship and I wouldn't have had my fallout with anyone. But then that would be a 2 month period of time being physically with one another, and then we head home for spring break. Then we get this news that classes are online, and now potentially we're staying home for the rest of the semester, save for going back to collect our belongings in our rooms. So then from now (mid-March) until the end of summer break '20 (about mid-August) we'd pretty much be away from each other, potentially. So even if I had been able to be in a relationship with S for these past 2 months, then what would we do now? Sure we could go back and just use the time that we aren't forced to go to convocation or classes and hang out together, but other than that, is that really what would have happened?

So even if I got to be in a relationship of sorts for 2 months, would it last? It was a long Christmas break, trying to make it work over that month. I mean I was ready to do whatever. To just stick with nightly Minecraft sessions, video calls, texting on the daily, you name it. But is that manageable for a long time such as mid-March to mid-August? Is my mom right in that maybe it was for the better I have been home?

Maybe I'm just too hung up on S that I'm trying to rationalize these lines or trains of thought. Maybe I just wish too much that maybe someday things could work, maybe just as a not now, since after all there are a few "equations" so to speak of good relationships as far as God's timing. And if you don't know then here they are:

Right person + wrong time = wrong person

Wrong person + right time = wrong person

Right person + right time = right person

So to me it felt as if S were the right person. The perfect person for me. But if it's the wrong time, that if these past few months have been the wrong time, then she would have been the wrong person because it has to be the right person at the right time to be the right person. I don't know when the right time would be, but it sits in the back of my mind, hoping that I was right that S is the right person and just that 2020 is just the wrong time.

Maybe I'm just too clingy.

I hold on to stories that I've heard from friends saying that a married couple they know met in high school (or college I don't remember) but at the time they met, it wasn't going to work for them because it just was not the right time. Then a few years down the line, they happened to meet again and then that was the right time and they are now happily married. I don't know if that was a story I was supposed to read or even remember, but it's just got the idea stuck in my mind now. That maybe S is the one for me, just not now. I don't know when, but sometime in the future. I don't think I should directly talk about this to her, because I already know she feels as if God is calling for us to walk separate lives, so I just have no idea what to do. I should probably try to smother the feelings out. I'd imagine I'm the only one with the feelings still. I can't imagine that she still has feelings for me.

Whatever the case is, I'm just trying to make sense of all that is going on thanks to the coronavirus. With all the closures, the hysteria, the mass panic, the change of plans for everyone, everywhere that are seemingly constant. It's a whirlwind of thoughts, emotions, confusion, just way too much stimulus.

I need time to process. I need time to pray. I need time to ask God what He wants to do, because in the end, if any of this is true and any of this is to work, if it be all for His glory, He will make a way because He is the Way, He is the Truth, and He is the Life.

This is really crazy, and I don't know what to think or what to believe. The only thing I do know is that I should get more rooted in my faith and settle down to the rock I can find solid ground with: Jesus Christ, my Lord and my Savior.