I've made some repairs, and while it's not what I once wanted, it's still good feelings that I have friendships still. Well I guess I should say friendship, as in the singular (like me lol) because I only wanted to restore one of the two friendships that burned.
I don't know if I will ever want to truly reconcile with the other guy. I just find it hard to bring myself to that. I know I did wrong him, so he did have some justified anger, but from my point of view he went just too far that I don't think I could be his friend ever again.
I get it, I'm pretty immature and I tend to see negative things as against me rather than potentially constructive criticism, no matter the pain it may cause in delivering it. It just lingers in my mind, the words, the threats, I just cannot get past it. So for the time being, I will not be attempting restoration there. I need time for myself to grow and time for me to just examine my heart and see where I want to go and what I want to do with the past.
It's been a rather quick month ever since I started working. It's been a good time and I hope I can use this to gain insight on where I want to go or what I want to do with my life. To hopefully maybe use the time to discover my calling and maybe even where my passion and calling intersect.
I feel like as I point out the negative of the past month, in all parties, I must also point out the positive and express my gratitude and be thankful.
I am thankful for a restored friendship. I am grateful for the forgiveness and grace that has been shown to me. I really didn't deserve it all (I mean duh, the definition of grace), but I am so thankful for it. I am thankful that it was a smooth transition from uneasyness to getting to playing games of 8 ball pool in messenger, to talking once again. I am thankful for her being willing to try this friendship thing again because I really do value the friendship I had and now once again have with her, regardless if we were more than platonic friends.
As I go into the future, I look to growing more as a person, as a man, as a Christian, and as a friend that people deserve to have. There are things I hope for which I guess there's no point to being vague or secret, since this is my blog and if you got this far, I'll throw you a bone so to speak.
Honestly, I hope to one day get back to best friend status with her. I say "her" as if that's good enough, but if you have been around for awhile or just read some of my older posts, it doesn't take long to figure out. Anyways, I realize now how good it was to have a female best friend. To have someone I can be completely transparent with. To talk about my feelings and emotions, what stresses me and what doesn't, just being open with everything. It felt good, and it was really cathartic. I don't know if I'd ever get back to the way things were because I've changed things. Forever. Peep the Dark Knight reference, if you're curious, watch the Joker interrogation scene. But if I do ever get back to being her best friend, I would be honored and I would love it. I hope to become the friend that not only she deserves but that all of my other friends deserve. They deserve to have someone they can trust, that they can rely on. To count on. To depend on. Now peep the Polar Express reference.
References and jokes aside, these are what I hope are in store for me and my future. I don't know how I will achieve any of it, but if anyone has any ideas or suggestions, especially the people involved in all of what has transpired, please contact me.
And finally, to S:
I really do want to be your best friend again. I know I probably and even most likely don't deserve that. I know I made it hard for you to trust me, but I just want you to know how much both you and your friendship mean to me. I don't want to sound like a pity case, but I really don't have many friends, and I still hate myself for damaging multiple friendships in a decision you totally were allowed to make. That you even had the right to make. I know not what I could do to show you I can actually be all the talk I say I am, but I hope that I can become better. To be the friend you always deserved.
I guess for now, it's time to just keep on moving. Ain't nothing gonna break my stride.
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