First off, as I've already established, I was kicked out of school because of poor performance in January. So that threw a wrench into so many plans for "adventures" with someone I had come to love and want to just adventure life's highs and lows with. So that was the first major hit.
Then in February, I had my fallout with my former friends and then that knocked me right back down as I had started climbing back up from the first hit of the year. It was quite a hard fall as it messed me up for a little while and I had been brought to the verge of tears quite a few times and honestly these past few years I've not cried that much anymore. So clearly something bothered me a lot.
And as I was finally feeling pretty good about my reconciliations and restorations, March started to suck really quickly. I can't remember if it was Wednesday (my dudes, aaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA) or Thursday (yesterday), but I started to finally be at peace with losing what could have been and just being content with the way things are. And then today, today felt like the last straw.
In case this is a post read way in the future in comparison to the time of writing, the COVID-19 virus, a.k.a. the coronavirus, is running rampant. New Jersey and New York (as far as I know) are in states of emergency. Colleges in NJ are shutdown until April for some, and all public schools in Bergen county are switching to online schooling starting Monday. So it's pretty crazy. Then today, I get an email from my chief instructor at aikido saying that he's closing the dojo starting Monday, March 16th, until March 31st, in which there will be a reassessment.
That might not sound that bad, but hear me out. The one thing that I looked forward to every day. That I enjoyed in my week. That makes getting up at 6:45 every morning Monday through Fridat bearable because I get to do something I liked at the end of the day. Canceled. For 2 weeks. And then it all depends on the situation that doesn't necessarily guarantee that April 1st is going to re-open.
And if you're new here and wonder why aikido means so much to me, it's because I finally thought I discovered a passion and something I might want to try to convert into a career when I am skilled enough. But how can I perfect and work on developing my skills and techniques if I cannot train? Sure it's only 2 weeks, but it's going to be a miserable 2 weeks.
I hate this year. It was legitimately supposed to be my year. My year to grow, my year to adapt, my year to experience new things I've never experienced before, whether it be relationships or working or whatever. Just anything.
At this point, I hope that the Second Coming of Christ is soon. I just want this seemingly suffering of Earth to end. I just want to be in the Promised Land of heaven. I don't want to kill myself, but I just don't want to be trying to make the most out of 2020 when everything I love is being taken away, one by one. I only love so many things in life, and at some point all of my love will be taken away.
I'm tired. I'm stretched thin. I just don't want to go on anymore. I'll try my best to, but it's getting harder and harder with each passing month. I can't catch a break. I can't just have a month of me feeling good about the way things are and then just enjoy and be content for once. All my life I've been searching for something more to my life. And as I finally thought I was going to feel good where I'm at, 2020 decides to hit me again and send me deeper down than before.
I want to give up. I have no more energy for this. My fire inside me is smothering out slowly but surely. The light inside of me is dimming and no longer warm to the touch. I'm feeling more and more exhausted every day. Burn out of just being locked in the same long day schedules is starting to get to me. Some of these mornings I didn't want to go to work and had planned on just taking a short nap after work, but I got up and did what I was asked to do. I did what I'm supposed to do. I don't want to live life robotically. But it's all that's keeping me going.
I've no other passion, no other love in life. What even is the meaning to my life? I'm lost, and can't find my way.
I just wish this year was the opposite to everything it has been so far.
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