Then it leaves the rest of us who are single to just remember that we've got no one to love. I mean sure we have family, but familial love is far different than a love for a companion.
Sure I've been single for every single Valentine's Day before for my entire life. So why does this one bring much more sadness? Well, because a couple of months ago, there once was a high chance of not being alone this Valentine's. And I know that one day that is commemorated for love is not worth entering a relationship for, but it was going to be so much fun because the relationship I had dreamed about was going to be amazing. The plans I had made, the compatibility I had with her brought joy into my life. She understood memes, we had inside jokes, and just so much admiration for one another. Then because of my lack of effort and my immature decisions, not only did I lose my shot at a relationship with the perfect girl, but I've pushed her away. Sure the reconciliation process may have begun, but it doesn't excuse the way I treated her. And given how I feel about her (yes feel because I still really like her, but it's fruitless to hang on) this stings.
I had plans of just having a great time, spending Valentine's Day with her. It was so good, and now the door's been shut.
I don't know why I even write all of this. Because even if she sees it, what difference does it make? My woes on the internet aren't going to change her mind. It won't change the things I did. It won't change the fact that I am at home instead of at school where I could've been with her and this entire fallout wouldn't have happened. It doesn't give me a second chance to restore friendship. And it most certainly doesn't give me a second chance at having a relationship with her.
I'm clearly still in a lot of pain and a lot of hurt. I know I just need to let go and move on. I know that I take a long time to let go of crushes. But now that I was so emotionally invested in this one and have so many great memories, what do I do? This would take so much longer to let go.
I just wish for the days when I could even just text her on the daily, even as friends. Her friendship was one of the closest I've ever had. She was one of a very small number of girls who would actually talk to me and be my friend. Then she was a part of an even smaller sample size of people who were my best friends.
I don't know if restoring at least the platonic aspects would change any of this pain or if it would amplify it because of knowing of what could have been. But I guess I should restore things if I can if presented the opportunity. Having friends and walking this road laid out before me in fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ is the way this was supposed to be done.
To SD, if you read this, I just wish for our friendship to be restored. I know I broke everything that meant something to you. I know how hard things like trust are for you. I know how you feel about people entering your life and exiting just as quickly. I am so sorry I almost left completely. I wish so much to text you at least once or twice every now and then. I don't expect to ever earn the right to be called your best friend as I once had the honor of being. But I just hope you know that I wish to reconcile with you. To regain your trust and then make sure I never ever break it again. To be your friend and truly honor the promises of being with you till the end of the line. Regardless if there's a deeper relationship than platonic friendship is no my concern. I just value you so much as a person. And not just that, I value you so much as a friend. I am so upset with myself in how I immaturely handled things, and I have no way of making things up to you. I don't even know if you are reading this, but I just hope that you are. I don't know how much time you need to heal, and I know I don't get to choose when you heal and I don't get to choose if you want to be my friend again. I know I don't deserve a second chance, but I just wish I could get a second chance.
Why do I write all of this? Who even reads it? Who even cares? I'm just a guy who can't keep promises, who's hypocritical, and who pushes away some of his only friends because he can't handle things like an adult.
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