I thought that that would be my rock bottom. I mean getting kicked out of school is pretty low. I thought that once I began the healing process that my life would just be on a road of healing throughout the rest of 2020.
So I was kinda right on that. But also very wrong. The greatest pain was the pain of realization of what I had done to my friends. Betrayal, backstabs, disrespect, breaking trust, you name it, I've (ashamedly) done it. I pushed away people I called best friends. I've broken every promise I've made to my female best friend in that I disrespected her decisions when I told her I would respect them, I broke her trust in me when I know how hard it is for her to trust people, and I've inflicted damage that may or may not be irreparable. Why? Because I was upset over something that didn't deserve this kind of reaction. Sure I could be upset or disheartened at the decision, but to react in such a way was the furthest thing from being a man, or to strike a closer nerve on myself, the furthest from being a hero. Yes I do value being a hero more than being a man. I don't particularly care if someone calls me a man or not, but if I can be a hero, a symbol of hope or protection, then I feel fulfilled.
As for my male best friend, I just shut him out. Entirely. No rime or reason other than I was aggravated by something I could've just proven wrong. I let the anger and emotion prove him right. And because I proved him right, everything has gone awry.
Now I'm home, about to start a job and full of nervousness because I have never worked for someone other than my parents, and also never in the food industry. I'm scared I might lose the one thing I haven't thrown away just yet and that's the ability to practice aikido. I mean sure maybe that's dumb and I shouldn't get too upset about it. The main idea here is that I've destroyed my support system. My friends would've helped me through this nervousness, this time of uncertainty, had I not cast them out like lepers.
Anyhow, I've begun the process of repairing some things and while they will never be the same, maybe I could amount it to something that is similarly as great as things were before, in its own regard. I don't want to get ahead of myself but there is that hope, that dream of restoring the greatness to its former glory.
The only things left to do are to take time to grow, to mature, to change myself so that none of this happens again. To make it so that I am a different person if any of these friendships are to be resurrected. This is where my healing can truly begin. This is where the healing starts. I hope I can come to where I'm broken within. To let the light meet the dark.
To anyone who reads this and is part of the people affected by this week's destruction: I'm am so sorry for the things I've done, the things I've said, and the actions I've committed to push you away, to break your trust, to destroy anything we once had. I wish to one day make things up to you. I wish to reconcile with you. I wish for there to be a day where we can once again be good if not best friends again. I know things cannot ever be the exact same, but I can only hope that I earn the right to be the friend you deserve.
https://youtu.be/Qe1yKciSlT4
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