so much pain

Maybe it's because I'm weird or maybe my mind, body (maybe), and heart (probably?) is trying to process everything, but I feel so much emotional pain. I guess I kinda lied in a previous post about how the heartbreak was fading. That was apparently a temporary feeling.

I know I need to just get over it and move on.

I know I caused myself this pain.

And before you ask how, I'll just explain. If I had first off just gotten on top of my academics like I was supposed to, I wouldn't be home right now, and things would be so much different. Not only would I have been able to physically be there with the girl I crushed on, but then there also wouldn't have been this whole fallout in the first place. Secondly, since that was a failure building up and if we were to not count it, had I just not been an immature idiot responding and acting solely on emotion, I wouldn't have pushed away any of my friends and maybe the heartbreak wouldn't be so bad. I mean don't get me wrong, it would still hurt because I would almost indefinitely still wanted a relationship to work, but at least if I had acted differently, she just might still be my best friend anyways and it wouldn't be double the pain of losing a chance of a relationship with someone who I thought was perfect, on top of the pain of not having my best friend.

I know I don't deserve to ask for best friendship right away. In fact, I don't even deserve to ask for best friendship ever again, and it's debatable if I even deserve to ask for friendship in general, but I do wish I could have it. Things have changed. Things are different. Permanently so. There's no taking back what I did, what I said, what I expressed. I mean I could try my best to avoid repeating any of those actions again, but that doesn't excuse it.

I'm hoping that time heals this wound. That there might be reconciliation in the future. Just for something to be better. I just don't know what to do. It's going to be a lot of patience and waiting. I'm scared and feel alone. I can't complain too much because it was my actions that caused me to be alone. I'm scared because of the new job I've been offered. I've never worked in the food industry and I'm just scared. I don't have any of my once friends to talk to because again, I pushed them away.

I guess I should just keep on praying and keep on trusting that God's got a plan for me still. That God is still fighting for me, even in my worst times.

This pain is more than anything I've ever felt. More than any physical pain that has occurred to me. I hope to heal. I hope to reconcile. I don't even know why I still blog because will anyone read these? The only people who did are the same people I just pushed away. And even if they do come back, what do I intend to accomplish by indirectly sharing these thoughts and feelings with them?

I don't know what I'll do.

I don't know who I can talk to to help me through these times of uncertainty and nervousness.

I know that God enables the called and doesn't call the enabled.

I'm hurting.

So much pain.