As I go to pick up the broken, shattered pieces of my heart that are scattered everywhere, I'm preparing to box it all up and seal it off. Throw away the key, to never allow for it to be open and given away again.
I trusted my bestest friend. I thought I could love her. She had my whole heart. She led me to believe that things could work. Then she drops me at the first sign of trouble. What's the trouble you may ask? A simple blog post expressing the feelings of doubt that have arisen. All of the emotion I've invested. The love I had expressed. The joy she brought to my life. Thrown away because of a simple blog post.
To add insult to injury, when my ex-best male friend decides to paint me as pushing him away with no reason, she believes him right away. Doesn't even ask if it's true. Sure I am at fault. Sure I could've not left the group chat to defend myself. But to the one person who is supposedly there for me? The one person who says she'd never leave me even as a friend? She left me.
I lost not one but two best friends today. I had tried seeking out support and at some point he flips on me and blames me 100% for the destruction of a group that was volatile anyways. He had said he was glad we had gotten out of there. He was a part of the new group that he only knew because he hung out with the people I had met. He says I'm his best friend. But he never once thought to invite me to the new group. And ever since my departure from Liberty, he's been getting more and more hostile. He says dumb stuff like "not to insult you" and then proceeds to insult me over something I don't understand. Why would a Northerner understand Southerner things? You expect me to know what Alabama people chant? And then call me dense when I just want an explanation? Would you want me to call you dense to explain how to drive stick actually well? To know how to drive in snow/icy conditions? To know how to dress appropriately for single digit temperatures?
I don't want to sound like the victim. I'd hate to be playing the "woe is me" card. To make others pity me and my circumstances. All I want is for people to understand that there's always two sides to the story. That if you want to claim one thing like best friendship, or that you'd be there for the other, then at least try to hear both sides before making accusations. If you don't think something is going to work, don't lead me on to thinking things could work. If you want to pin blame for the destruction of something, remember that I was never invited to the new group yet you were despite not being a part of the original group at its conception.
2020 was supposed to be great. I didn't think I'd have to lock my heart away because I was given false hope. I didn't think that two people whom I had called best friends would lose their status.
These are the same people who want me to drive 7 hours one way to see them, to visit them, to hang out with them. The same people who say they want to still be friends and know how much I'd have to do in order to make things align for a few days of fellowship.
This is the end, I'm afraid. The end of whatever we had that was good. The end and now the separation of all that we could've been: better friends, whether platonic or romantic, people with memories to cherish for years to come, a life full of more great times together. There is no more us.
I never should have started the Batfamily. This mess would never have happened if I didn't. Effective immediately, I'm bringing everything back to its roots as I figure out where life goes from here. Fun stuff: flying solo again. Life adventures: walking the lonely road. There's no other option. Companionship has only lasted a few months before something goes awry. Bitter tastes on the tongue are left. Bad memories are created. The final thoughts on a person tainted.
Is it so much to ask for a friend, not even a group of friends, who will be true to their word? To not falsify hope when they are unsure of what they want? To actually be supportive and there for me as I would have done for them?
I'd give these people my loyalty. I'd be the best I can give. The least they can do is be my friend like I want them to be. Like I need them to be. Not to drop me because of something stupid. Sure I dropped them as well, and sure it's probably something dumb as well.
Clean up and restoration is in order. Whether or not I try creating new relationships with new people or even try to salvage anything from the wreckage of today, well that's a story for another time. Romance is out the window for me. Forever. No one can change that. Too much pain, too much sorrow, too much hurt, and too many crushed hopes and dreams to want to continue on this road.
To the former best friends:
If you are reading this, I would hope that maybe someday this could be water under the bridge. I don't know what day that would be. I don't really know if that day will ever come. All I know is that if you are willing, I'll come find you when the time is right.
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