Full Circle

A year ago today, I started this blog. Initially it was titled "Geoff's Unfiltered Thoughts". That was with one friend group that has since dissolved and the reason this blog even exists in the first place. At first it was quite literally my unfiltered thoughts. Whatever came to mind, I'd write about it. The earliest posts are crude in some manners, in which they use foul language and everything.

As the year progressed, I had begun to switch the way in which I composed and posted blog posts. I left all of the previous posts up to show that while I was crude and everything at one point, to show that over time I have changed. To show a growth. From a low point, to a hopefully higher point.

Sadly though, events have arisen and my personality have made it so that I've also begun to return to a similar state in which I had been during the early stages of the blog. I push people away too easily. I'm still hotheaded when the chips are down. I've gone two steps forwards and then one step back. I am hoping that I can make new progress this year and keep the progress and keep on taking steps in the right direction.

Now that I've had a night's sleep and time to cool off, I'm wondering if I should go and make amends. I know that in my previous post I was ready to cut people out for good until whenever I am ready. At least that's how I phrased it. But after getting used to texting some of these people on a daily basis for the most part, or even just looking to have a friendship somewhere, anywhere, because I don't really have friends. I have people who I can text when I need help or support, but other than that, I don't really have many people who I call friend.

I think the first step in my healing process from yesterday's incidents is to humble myself. To accept responsibility for the wrong that I have done. I need to learn to temper my anger, to dissipate the rash behaviors and actions.

I always want to be a hero, but this is not how a hero should or would behave. I need to mature a bit and just take the consequences of my actions. My free will allows me to choose the things I do, the things I say, the things I type. But what it does not allow is for me to choose those as well as choose the consequences of those actions, whether glorious or tragic. I don't get to do as I please and get upset when the results of my actions are displeasing to me. I need to learn that more than ever today.

Am I really ready to just cast out the people I had labeled as best friends? Am I really that arrogant and that petty? I guess I clearly am. I suppose there's one way to find out whether or not I can posture myself to ask for forgiveness in the trespasses I have done. I need to make myself better than I was last year. I've come way too close to the same way I've behaved and acted at the beginning of this blog.

It's time to grow up. It's time to shape up. It's time to admit my wrongdoings and my trespasses. It's time for me to accept that as a boy turned young adult and looking to turn into a man, I need to know that my actions have consequences. Good or bad, I need to evaluate these things and not let the emotions crowd my mind and cause me to do something I will regret at a later point.

It's going to be painful, to admit I was wrong. But this is the start of something new. This is the start of a new day, of a new life that I want to live. I keep claiming Christ as my Savior, but I don't love like He does. I don't act like He does. I know that I'll never amount to anything close to Him, but I can do my best to emulate His behaviors. Most importantly, I need to remember that even if I begin to be more Christ-like in my life, that those actions of good is not what defines my faith; not what defines my beliefs in Christianity. What defines it is what God has done. It's never been about what I've done. Had that been the case, I'd have ruined a lot of more things. The world would be in so much more ruin if Christianity had solely be based on the actions of mankind.

I need to know my place, and accept the faults I have caused.

If any of my former friends are reading this, I just want to say that I'm sorry. I'll be reaching out to you soon to try to make amends for the actions I have done. You don't have to accept me if you don't want to. But I just want to try to apologize for the things I've done, for the hurt that I've brought.

I've come full circle, and now it's time to branch off this circle so as to not repeat any of the bad of the past year.