Disclaimer: It's totally understandable if it really is the case, but I'd figure I'd write this now before I continue.
Somehow I got a feeling of doubt that my crush likes me still. I don't know why the doubt is here. I guess I was just going through old messages (old so to speak, because it was just over the past few days) and there were shorter answers to my texts. Couple of one word responses, or some that were briefer than 5 words. I mean maybe I'm wrong and being unfair because I just currently have more free time than her to text.
Maybe I'm being too clingy or whatever.
In all honesty, it's not really her fault if she decides to move on. She wasn't the one who failed out of college. That was me. And because of that, I can't be there to hang out in person as much as I probably would have, even if it's something menial like doing homework (menial in the sense that it isn't for leisure). I had left her at the end of the fall semester because of break and everything. We ended up being 1,400 miles or so apart, but with technology and everything, we were able to make it through. Now that I'm no longer a student at Liberty, while she is technically on paper closer than she is when she's home, that's still 452 miles away. A solid 7 hour drive. Not to mention that it's been what? 3 weeks since I was supposed to see her again?
I guess now that I wrote all of that out, I'm being clingy. I just really wish things were different, that I had been more on top of my academics since that's technically why I was going to college anyways. Sure it was nice to have all the fun that I've had, but the main objective was to further my education to give me a skillset to move into a particular career field.
Maybe I need to let go. But my heart doesn't want to. Maybe I got too emotionally invested into something that wasn't really anything more than a mutual interest. Not to discredit it or discount the friendship or anything, but the truth of the matter is that we were just testing the water so to speak. We never made things official, as per her request. Not yet anyways. And with this doubt, I feel not ever.
I hope I am wrong on these feelings of doubt. But then that might still make me clingy. I don't want to be that weird clingy guy who can't get over a girl because circumstances would disallow something to happen. I could make excuses that this is the first time a girl has ever liked me back. And given the fact that my mind just happens to remember the 16 past crushes and 7 past rejections, a shot at something more than a simple friendship with a girl was amazing. I mean sure my friendship with my crush now turned into way more than a simple one. It's definitely been a blessing to have a female best friend.
Maybe I'm dumb and put all my eggs into one basket for no reason other than I got way too far ahead of myself. I don't know why I'm like this.
Maybe I should let go.
But will I?
Even if I do let go now, will I be able to move on? Quite honestly, I feel like that given how I feel as a whole that I might not even want to bother trying anymore if I do let go and move on. This feeling sucks. I know I shouldn't get hung up on a girl. But I just don't know what to do.
I don't think I'd ever let my feelings out again. I'm not sure honestly.
Whatever it is I do, I guess there might be a follow up post. Maybe, maybe not.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm destined to just walk this road alone.
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