Why do I ask about honesty? Well first off it's a good trait to have or be something good to work towards if it has not yet been accomplished or needs work. Secondly, if you haven't figured out by the title and the fact that the title is all lowercase (as is all the recent posts regarding feelings, emotions, etc. connecting to last week's nuclear fallout), that this post is going to be centered on a touchy subject. Hence the honesty and also hence the title because I should probably heed my own words.
So if you read the last post, I took some baby steps closer to restoration by requesting to reconnect with friends (that I pushed away) on social media, mostly just Instagram and Tiktok. And by doing so, I had realized I missed some Tiktoks by one person. I know it's merely just a Tiktok and that maybe it was just made to be made, but it struck close to home for me. The Tiktok was displaying "what your camera roll would look like if I were your gf". No big deal right? Well, honestly I'm probably just being clingy and making a bigger deal about it with this post. Away we go nonetheless.
Among the pictures of the hypothetical "camera roll" is a picture that I was sent before the whole academic suspension, before the fallout, and when the feelings for each other were mutual and if I say so myself, strong. I know that yeah I'm overanalyzing, overthinking, making this more than it probably is, but it hurt a bit. It hurt because I know she sent it to me originally. It hurt because it drew out the ideas of what was and what could have been. It hurt because I know she took the selfie to send specifically to me.
Okay so maybe she just likes that selfie. And fine, she's allowed to do whatever she wants. But I'm just hurt that I ruined my chances. Chances at a relationship because hur dur let's not do anything academically and get suspended. Chances at even a platonic relationship because hur dur let me just push everyone away when I was upset and then took something too personally when it wasn't necessarily true until I ironically proved it to be true.
I guess what I'm saying is that clearly my feelings for her haven't changed. And maybe they won't for awhile. But then that's being clingy; getting hung up on someone when I should just move on. I mean don't get me wrong, if I were to have a relationship with her, I'd be the happiest guy alive. Well I guess I would hear stuff like "Geoff, you shouldn't find your happiness and fulfillment from a girl, you should find that in God". And yeah that's right, but if we had a relationship, I would like to think we'd keep God at the center because we had talked about it and everything.
There's just so much yearning and wanting and I know that given my actions (and lack thereof because academic suspension) I need to just move on. I don't know how long that will take. I don't know why I'm still holding on. Actually yeah I know. I'm clingy and was pretty emotionally invested in her.
Why am I like this? Why am I still holding on? Why am I clingy? This is not right. I can't let this go on lest I end up creeping her out. I want to restore friendship, not destroy or ruin it because I couldn't move on.
I'm hurting. Am I weak?
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