Anyways, I was making a Tiktok and I had wanted to use the green screen effect and had some pictures I had in mind that I needed to retrieve in order for it to work (it was for the trend). Not so much of a problem, right? Wrong. So wrong. I shouldn't have forced myself to go digging for those pictures because it invoked pain. How?
Well let's say I had to go through old chat messages, text messages, Facebook messages, etc. Anywhere you can DM or message you, I had to go through it. Okay not that drastic, but I did go through old DM's and texts (to phones). I got carried away and because I was scrolling relatively slowly so as to not miss the image in case I just zoom past it, I re-read messages.
Messages in which I had exchanged very full emotional messages, expressing feelings of love, of appreciation. Complimenting each other. Saying who is the better in whatever compliment (you're the cuter one, you're the sweeter one, etc). I also re-read messages of the first "I love you". The first "🤟", which in case you didn't know since I don't know who reads these, is the ASL sign for "I love you". All of the "I love you so much", "I love you more", "You are so cute", and every other message now hurts.
It once brought joy and warm feelings of happiness. I felt so good when those messages were initially sent and I read them for the first time. And now as I deal with the heart break, the fallout of my actions of pushing people away, I hurt at the sight of those messages. I know I could just delete the messages and never see them ever again. But at the same time I find myself unable to. Not because I can't, but simply because I won't. Why?
Because these are the first tender, emotionally vulnerable, soft sided messages I've ever exchanged with a girl. The first time I ever got to say "I love you" to someone who wasn't family, and have it be reciprocated. Side note, I never said "I love you" to a girl if I didn't know if she felt the same.
The memories these messages bring are bittersweet. I can feel the joy I felt when they were sent. I can remember exactly where I was, when during the day they were sent (also because it was time stamped), and just how good I felt about it all. They are bitter now because of circumstances. Of not being able to have that relationship I once dreamed of. Even though I was ready to do whatever it took despite the consistent long distance. I can't force her to want to have a long distance relationship if she prayed to God and this is what she feels at peace with and at most comfort with. I need to respect her and her decisions. And to tack onto all that of wishing for the relationship, I also pushed her away in my immaturity and anger, as you are probably well aware of if you just go back and read through old posts from February 2020, and go through the past week or two. If you don't want to go back, that's fine, just take me at my word then.
So as I work to regain trust, to rebuild friendship, to repair my heart for getting it broken because I got too excited and too invested too quickly, to just restore things to some level, I am getting hurt at reminders of the past.
What do I do? Should I do like the one post I titled after Kylo Ren's quote? To let go of the past? Do I follow a different but similar quote of "let the past die, kill it if you have to"? What does killing the past look like? What all does it entail? Does it mean I have to destroy the messages I have? To destroy my firsts?
Why am I so emotionally attached to these messages? Well there's just a certain level of love you put into firsts. Not just romantic love I mean. First real backpack I got for high school and still use? I love it. First bokken (wooden katana-like sword for martial arts) that I got to reward myself for a shodan (1st degree black belt) test well done? I love it. First car to drive and call my own (sorta)? I love it. Something about firsts has it's allure and I don't know if I can bring myself to destroy these messages and move on with life. I know that if God calls me to a relationship, I will have similar good feelings and joy and it will all be good, so why do I keep these? Just because they were firsts?
This is just going to rekindle the pain and the hurt if I ever go back and re-read the messages. This isn't the first time I've re-read them, and honestly, it probably won't be the last time I re-read them. December 3rd, 2019 had some of the best messages I ever got on Instagram.
But I need to move on. I need to tell my heart to beat again. To grow. To get back up after I've fallen. Bruce, you've fallen and now it's time to learn to pick yourself back up. Stop lingering in the pain. You cannot heal in the same place you were hurt.
Gosh, I'm so lost. So confused.
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