Anyways, one thing that stuck with me from tonight's adventure to Carnegie Hall was that Natalie Grant said that every person was fighting something. Fighting for a relationship, fighting addiction, fighting loneliness, etc. I realize that I do fight loneliness so much.
In case you somehow missed it, I cast out my friends over something that wasn't worth it. But now I'm dealing with the consequences, so that's that. Moving on, I realize that every year around this time (basically around Valentine's) I feel the fight against loneliness so much. I don't know why I feel it. I mean is it just out of jealousy that I'm not in a relationship? That I don't have that "special someone"? Someone to hug and/or kiss on the day centered around a lot of romantic love?
Loneliness can also be platonic and does not have to be restricted to romantic. I felt both sides of loneliness this time around. Even if I didn't push my friends away, I'm away from college. I don't have really anyone to hang out with during the weekends or anything like that. The only people I share meals with now are my family. Sure I love family time and everything, but I also love and value friends and doing things with them. All of my friends are off in college and other than that, I might have a few connections over social media, but nothing that can translate to tangible social interaction.
I miss my friends. I miss the fun times. I miss the late night talks, the late night runs to Waffle House, the late night Minecraft parties, and just being with them. I miss them so much. It's been so hard for me to be in this sort of isolation. I mean I think I'm making a couple of friends at work, but it's never going to be similar to the friends I've made in high school, and even less in comparison to the friends I've made in college. After I graduated high school, I lost contact with probably 99% of the people I had once shared a near daily interaction with. Maybe 99 is a high guess, but basically I only talk to maybe 1 or 2 people from high school. Maybe up to 3. I got so invested in my friends from college, and then even with that, I only really had say 10 friends who I consistently talked to. That number shrunk over time, even last semester, I mostly talked to my friend group I excommunicated myself from and pushed those friends away. That cost me 4 friends. And now that I'm not on campus and no longer a Liberty student, I don't talk to my hallmates from across the hall, so there goes another 3 friends. Then I had maybe 2 or 3 other friends on the hall. So all in all, I had 10 friends in college. I knew plenty of people, but only 10 of them were my friends. And now look, they're all furthering their education, not being a dumb person like me and failing out. Not being immature and reacting poorly to situations that I could have expected coming.
I really should have thought about things like this. I wish I weren't so quick to lose my cool. I wish I had just not pushed anyone away and just taken time to process and cool off before saying something that would push people away.
So as you can see, I'm fighting a lot of loneliness. If not romantic (which is something I just need to move on about) then definitely platonic.
I know I need to seek after God to give me fulfillment, to give me hope. But I don't know what else to do. There must be something I can do. Trust in the Lord is what I need I think. It certainly feels like the night is the darkest right now. The dawn must be breaking soon. And when it does, I'll finally see. I'll finally feel. Everything the Lord has been working in my life, around my life, in the lives of people around me, just everything. God is fighting for me, and I just need to stay steadfast in my faith. To stay faithful to the one who's never late. To the one who knows what's the best for me.
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