It's eating away at me, this inner conflict. I want to restore things, but my mind tells me I need to live with my immature decisions and aggressive responses and just learn from it for future situations. But at what cost does this lesson come at?
I lost two people I had valued their friendships. Why? Because I screwed up and I let emotions take control. Logic and reasoning was the last thing I'd ever think of in those moments of just everything. I lost control of myself and now I have to pay the price.
Why am I like this? Why do I just think the first thing to do when things get heated is to walk away? To dismiss everyone as either with or against me? To try justifying my own anger and aggression? What do I gain from it? Nothing. I didn't gain a thing out of this. In fact, I've done nothing but lose. I've lost friendships. I've tainted memories. I feel lost. I feel alone.
Why do I push the people I hold dear away from me? Like, newsflash Geoff, you don't exactly have friends that would stick by you at home. Your only friends are really the ones you've made in college and maybe a select few from high school. Why would you think that pushing away some of the few friends you have is a great idea? Oh that's right, you're a dumb idiot who just lets your emotion get the better of you and just do whatever you want without thinking of the consequences, of the costs you'd have to pay for these actions. You just do. No logic, no thinking. And now that you had time to process all that has happened, you are scrambling to undo the damage. To heal the wounds that you inflicted. To rebuild the very same bridges that you've burned.
It's swimming upstream, and it's not doable. You cannot go to the past to stop yourself from what has occurred. You need to live with that, Geoff. You need to know that while you might get away with some of these things with family, but you will never get away with it with people who are your friends. Or no longer anyways. And you can't get mad at them. You can't be upset, and you can't blame them for not wanting to be friends with a loose cannon as yourself.
This is your life. This is your wake up call. Get up and stop being immature. Stop falling down in the same ways you have been falling. There's no healing to be found here if you wallow in your pain, in your suffering that you brought upon yourself. You need to move forward. If you had even cared about these friends as much as you claim you do, you wouldn't be in the situation in the first place.
So what are you going to do, Geoff? What are you going to change so that it doesn't happen again? What are you going to do so that your life goes up and doesn't stay in this toxic place that you've created?
You cannot force anyone to want to be your friend. You cannot even ask them to be your friend again. You betrayed them. Geoff, you're not a superhero. Even if you want to be. You're not even a hero. You're nothing but trash. Filth that doesn't treat people right because you got upset over something that you keep saying you acknowledge is their decision. You don't get to do this.
You suck, Geoff.
You don't deserve a mulligan. You don't deserve a redo. You don't deserve forgiveness. You don't deserve these people you called friends.
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