Wearing A Mask

You know, sometimes I wonder if I take the whole Batman thing a little too far. Sometimes, I feel like I'm him, and not just in the "I want to be a superhero/Batman" kind of way. More in the "I'm realizing there are parallels in the character and the personality of the character that I am emulating". And no I don't just emulate the character to feel more like Batman. It's just something I do, and something I'm realizing is the same thing Bruce Wayne does as Batman.

Here's what I'm talking about. In Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight Rises, there's a scene in which Commissioner Gordon is incapacitated in the hospital, and an officer by the name of Blake goes to Wayne Manor to talk to Bruce. He explains how he knows that Bruce is the Batman and that's because for them as orphans, they had to learn to put on a metaphorical mask. To smile and appear happy and like all is well, when on the inside, nothing could be further from the truth. This scene parallels to the end of Batman Begins when Rachel Dawes is talking about how Bruce's face is no longer Bruce Wayne, but of Batman, and that Bruce Wayne is an act, for appearances sake.

Anyhow, without over-explaining the movies, the way this ties in to me is that I've realized I've hidden away my problems, my shortcomings, and everything that I perceive to not be worthy of having light shown on it. I've pretended to friends, family, acquaintances, hallmates, classmates, etc. that all is well and that I am content with everything in my life. I realize that my hiding away does nothing to deal with the problem, and that eventually it can and will sneak its way out from under the mask and bring out inexplicable emotions that aren't necessarily warranted.

I don't know why I do this. I don't know why I just don't open up more often to people so that I don't have to hide my shame and doubts under a metaphorical mask. I suppose bullying in my past years affected the level of trust I can build with people, and it truly takes a miracle to build the trust enough to allow people to the inside. That I don't have to be a lone wolf, that I am not alone. That I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and have no one to help me. I'm no superhero, and I'm not really Batman any more than just my affinity to the Dark Knight, and my knowledge what little or lot there may be of the character. Sure I try my best to be what other people deserve or what they need, and maybe that's all it takes to be like Batman. But I gotta realize that just because I want to be like my favorite superhero doesn't mean I can't get help from anyone.

I suppose I need to learn to take off my mask sometimes. That I don't even need to put one on. That I can be open, honest, and even vulnerable. That even though the world says men are tough and strong and are not of emotions, that I can contradict what the stereotypes are. I don't always have to be resilient to everything, to just tank hits and not react or show weakness. Because I believe that true strength comes from being open with someone. Now my only question is who?