April 23rd, 2025. Last entry: April 8th, 2024
I guess I finally made it for a whole calendar year. Look at me go.
Alas I am back and that usually means I'm really going through it. But for once, this is actually something that's alright and I'm okay with. I just needed to get some thoughts out on paper (or digital, you know what I meant).
I'll have to be very vague and quite dodgy in this post because there are details that are not mine to share and quite frankly, I'm not interested in staying here and writing yet another novel since I'm actually feeling pretty good.
As you could probably guess, it's about relationships again. But for once it didn't go nuclear or end horribly via ghosting or just pushed back time after time again. This one had a twist that honestly I didn't expect and yet I'm satisfied with.
There was this girl, whom once again was from work. I'd known her for... actually I have no clue when I really met her. At least a year, year and half, maybe even two years at this point. The time length doesn't exactly matter I don't think.
Anyways, originally my opinion on this girl was jaded and swayed by someone whom I once called friend but as time goes on, it's just very "me, me, me" and never really developing a friendship. I've not cut this person off but I'm definitely not looking to really be close either. Anyhow, this other friend would tell me stories and say how much they didn't like this girl, and since I never got a chance to really talk to this girl myself, I made the mistake of believing everything and while I never (I don't think) expressed an ill feelings towards this girl, I definitely wasn't the most warm or friendly.
As time went on, I would feel this.... feeling from within. It was tugging at the good ol' heartstrings and I had started to think "ah nah here we go again, I can't do this." I tried ignoring it but as time went on and the other friend wasn't working with me as often, I was able to start seeing this girl for more than what that friend was saying about her. And to be honest, she grew on me.
Fast forward and one day I'm caught up realizing that there's definitely a crush that has developed. I couldn't figure out what exactly it was. Was she just another pretty face and my single self just thought maybe I'd ask? Who knows. At the time, I had learned that she had a boyfriend, so I was able to quell and squash the feelings and crush for awhile.
Then one day there was news that there was a breakup. And by this point, this girl had become a good friend, someone I'd make jokes with, spend time at work with to help pass the time on the shifts, and just overall have fun with. I'm going to be honest and say that once that news broke, I could already feel the crush reigniting. However, I just thought to myself "no no no, you can't just make yourself some opportunist or a scavenger or a bird of prey that just dives in as soon as there's an opening." Thinking that way, I managed to stop myself for a good chunk of time, although the thought kept crossing my mind over and over again as time went on. I wanted to at least give her some space and some time to process because breakups, I imagine, aren't fun and can deal a lot of damage.
I think it's probably been about 2 months and change, but I could be wrong, but at some point I started thinking "maybe I should just ask her out. Because we all know that pretty girls don't stay single for long." But I kept getting cold feet and doubts. I was at a point where the friendship meant so much to me that I feared losing her as a friend and I kept telling myself "no, you can't ask her out, because what if she says no and then it just loses her as a friend?" It's one of those things that once you cross that line, you can't come back from. So I started asking my mutuals what I should do. A lot of them actually said "hey just don't be weird about it and even if she says 'no', you'll be fine and should be able to go on like normal." For the most part I wanted to believe them but my overthinking nature got into my head (well where else does overthinking occur?)
There came a moment where I thought "ya know what, I'll just do it and hope for the best." This was sometime last week, say around Tax Day or so (not that Tax Day caused it but it's easy enough to remember). I can't remember if I had already started flirting with her or at least what I assume is flirting.
Then Friday, April 18th, 2025 arrives. Which also happened to be Good Friday this year. Go figure, you choose one of the most somber days in Christian faith to go ask a girl out. Great job, Geoff.
I had planned and planned had the wording all figured out, had some responses prepped should she have asked if I was asking her out on a date, or specifics otherwise. Everything was planned out, I even had the time of day figured out of when I'd ask because there was a repeatable pattern of how my Fridays go and I knew that that was the moment I'd "strike" and drop the axe.
The moment comes, and every planned word goes out the window. I couldn't even make eye contact with her, and I could hear the pounding of my heart in my eardrums, I'm surprised no one thought there was a marching band outside. We talk shop a bit because given the Good Friday nature, the schedules were different and the usual instructors for the exercise classes were not present. After shop had been talked, I saw my moment fleeting. So I say to her, "hey random question," and she stops and looks at me while I fail to make eye contact but I continue, "I, uh, was just wondering if you'd like to go do something sometime?"
Wow. Great phrasing Geoff. The best asking out ever.
To my surprise she said "yeah, sure," and we run through ideas of things to do, and I figured I would text her later to figure out what the details were.
We would text and she tells me she's not free 'til after the semester ends and then I figured "cool no worries" and just worked it from there.
Then the weekend comes. Just nothing too crazy, just some texting here and there, I had my own errands to run, nothing wild. My overthinking kicked into overdrive though. I had seen a tiktok that this girl reposted and I was trying to remember what it was, but my doomscrolling and liking various posts made it too hard to search my own liked videos tab. So I figured "well it's probably on her profile, let's see if her reposts are public." So I went through and then found a different repost. The details aren't important here, but I saw it and started overthinking.
Fast forward to last night, April 22nd, 2025. I skipped a couple days, deal with it.
We're just texting as per usual, and I had gotten home from my Tuesday evening class, had dinner with my dad, and then was hopping online to Discord to hang out with my Ren Faire friends and play an online event of the RPG I play at faires. Amidst waiting for actions to take (since it's akin to D&D) I was texting the girl. At some point I was asking what she was doing, she mentioned she was on the phone and I figured "aight I'll let you get back to that so I don't bother you," telling her that likely since I didn't work 'til noon on Wednesdays so I'd be up late.
She responds saying how it's cool and she's just on tiktok. She mentions something about doomscrolling and I just say "haha yeah that's fair I send you way too many tiktoks, my bad." And somehow there was something brought up about how she reposts a lot of things. My bright idea was to say something along the lines of "I think I've seen one or two of them haha. And then I overthink things" referencing the tiktok repost I discovered while I was searching for the other one I liked. She questions asking what did I mean by overthinking.
That's when this whole thing started. (Jeez, for someone who said he didn't want to write a novel, we're only now getting to the events of last night?)
I rapid texted, kind of flustered, all like "well, uh, you know" and continued with texts as such. I get to a point where I just tell her I'm unsure if I want to speak what's on my mind. She tells me don't if I don't want to. I had mentioned that I was afraid that if I spoke what I wanted to that it would change things. And then she says "well if you fear that it will change things don't say it. But also know that I read between the lines, so I know what you want to say."
The cat's out of the bag. The genie's out of the bottle. The point of no return had been crossed. At this point I just have to 'fess up my feelings for her since I blundered my way in. Although she kind of knew already so it was just a matter of seeing what her thought process was.
We talk things out and eventually I ask "so what happens now?" Because for some reason I had thought that that was a reasonable question. I suppose it is since we weren't slated to do anything together until after the semester ended but I wasn't sure if that me confessing my feelings to her now was going to change that.
She says something along the lines of how she believes that there is someone out there for everyone, but that she's not the one for me. That she believes she's "too fucked up for me." And then I sat there. For 20 minutes. I was asking friends online "what do I do? Do I say something? Do I just leave it at that?"
Eventually I decide I would say something. So I crafted this very long response (wow! Shocker! It's almost like how this post got to be 10 pages long!) Eventually I finally get everything out, I just was talking about how I don't think she's fucked up, how whatever her life had that led her to whatever decisions she had to make that maybe looking back those decisions weren't the best decisions but maybe in those moments it was the best decision she could've made out of her options. All this supportive talk about how she isn't fucked up.
After that she surprisingly read it already and I had figured I would write that novel and leave it for the night. But the conversation continued and really got deep.
I'm not quoting anything beyond what I already quoted because for one I'm not taking the time to do that, and two at some point we get to the part where I said I'd have to be vague and dodgy about it. Just know that there was a lot of long message dialogue between the two of us.
It ultimately comes to a close and she firmly states that she doesn't think that we'd be a good fit as a couple, but that we can still go out and hangout together, still be friends.
My very emotional self continued to write long messages trying to let her know that there's nothing wrong with her, and multiple times I reassured saying I wasn't saying all of that to try to get her to change her mind but I just wanted to make sure she knew that I don't judge her for anything she's done because quite frankly, I'm very judgeable myself. If you looked at me and my past, it may look different than someone else but it's no more innocent than anyone else.
It all comes to a head at some point or another and I just tell her that despite not getting what my heart wanted in starting a relationship that because she confided in me and trusts me and appreciates my friendship, calling me a great friend, I eventually said the 3 words and 8 letters that I seldom say to anyone beyond family. Even some of my closest friends I've not said it to them.
"I love you"
Of course I wrapped it up in words that support I am expressing a platonic love, but a love all the same. And she said that she loves me too, in a similar manner I would assume.
It all ends with her saying that she sees me as one of her most genuine friends, and I'll take that. What else am I going to do? Complain I can't date her? What do you take me for? Well... I wouldn't put it past me had I been the same man from a couple years ago. But today and last night? I would happily take her as one of my closest friends ever. I don't have to date her, but she can still mean a lot and her friendship can be the best thing ever regardless of what happens from today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, and beyond.
FINALLY, we're nearing the end of what should've just been a quick post to something that's taken me well over a half hour (probably even longer than that quite frankly) to write.
All in all, I feel... Well I don't know what I feel. Naturally there's some feeling of "dang, I really wish she would've given us a chance" but that's just because the heart is what it is. The heart created these feelings, these attachments and of course it would love to see the payoff. But on a grander and larger part of me, I feel content. I may not have gotten to the point where I get to call her my girlfriend in some future, but she's probably my girl best friend at this point, and I'll take that any day of the week. I enjoy it because I think despite it being a very platonic love, I get to finally have someone outside the family whom I can say "I love you" to, and I'm not going to overuse that because that could become weird in time, but at least once here and there, it feels good. My heart, as I have said to others today, has so much love to give and I want more people I can give my love to.
I guess this is it. Finally the end of a post. If there's even any readers naturally, thanks for sticking around. If I've sent this to you, godspeed and may God bless you for taking however much time out of your day to read what I originally planned as something quick to an almost fully detailed recounting of how the friendship started and developed with this girl. I don't know if I'm sending this to anyone yet, but I just may.
:Last, but certainly not least, to Sarita. If I've sent this to you, know that I very deeply value and appreciate you taking the time to read this and I guess now you have access to the rest of my blog so you can see my mind laid bare before you for the last 6 years. I also very deeply appreciate you for being my friend and for giving me a chance to express a platonic love. This warms my heart in a way that I can't even think of the words to properly pen them to this page. I hope our journey never ends, that we create some of the best memories when we both finally have time to go do things, and just be the bestest friends ever. This world cannot and will not stop us.
¡Te amo!