Eclipsed In Darkness

I guess it was foolish of me to ever think I would last a full calendar year of not returning here, but here we are.

It's late. 1:23 a.m. as the start time on April 8th, 2024. I'm awake because.... well I have no reason to be awake nor asleep right away. "Tomorrow" is the total solar eclipse hitting a good portion of the continental US, my short shift got cut shorter so even if I were sleep deprived, 2 hours of work is nothing.

I scrolled mindlessly on tiktok for probably the last hour or so, thinking I'd eventually fall asleep. As I kept scrolling, just post after post about mental health, how it was directed at the viewer that everything is not okay, that the viewer has been smiling through the pain, the brokenness, the feeling of being lost and alone. That happiness was feigned, that while there are moments of joy they are fleeting.

And I felt it. I "reposted" some of them using TikTok's repost function. I feel there's some need for me to be heroic, that I must do and commit myself to grandiose acts just so that I can be seen, I can be noticed, I can be adored. I feel as though sometimes no one truly cares about me in the way I want them to. I know my family loves me, but I still feel alone. I feel lost in life, I'm closing in on 25 in a few months, if everything goes relatively smoothly I'll finally have my Associate's Degree just barely a month from now. And I have some half baked plan of what's next.

I feel I've gotten too comfortable, so complacent that I feel no rush to discover who I am to be. I feel this yearning that I need to and should be more by now. I have friends in careers or studying for their doctorate and here I am, part time lifeguard, part time community college.

I know my worth and my life does not come from those around me. I know that my life is mine and mine alone that I will go at the pace I was meant to go. My faith tells me that all the while there is still a plan for me and this is part of the plan, to trust God that this is where I am supposed to be. But it's hard to hang on when the world makes you feel like you're so far behind. It's hard to stick to faith when the world makes it so easy to fall away and indulge in the pleasures of the world.

And it's hard to navigate this world where everyone seems to be in a happy relationship, people older and younger all finding someone who chooses them and I can't find one person who chooses me and stays with me. To give me a chance to show I can be whatever is needed.

Maybe that's why I do what I do. Maybe that's why I opt for being as big and strong as possible in the gym. Sure a 6 pack gets you attention, but so does letting out an animalistic scream as you rip 500+ lbs off the ground. Maybe that's why I opted to donate a mass of money to a friend's charity stream for St. Jude, because I wanted the attention. Maybe that's why I try to build my entire social media profiles to reflect and interact with Lindsey Stirling so that my hero can acknowledge me.

But who am I?

What am I becoming or what have I become? Is this all that I am? Someone who works in the shadows, has to smile as life throws punch after punch, to just get up every time he's knocked down and just wipe his chin and walk away? Am I nothing more than just a temporary and fleeting moment in people's lives that they only care about me if I draw enough attention my way by chatting a ton in discord servers, pinging people to answer a question, doing anything that gets my name out there. Am I someone that someone else would choose?

I don't know what I'm looking for, I don't know who I am. Maybe it's just late and maybe I'll feel better once I sleep and wake in the morning when the sun's up in the sky. Maybe everything is okay and I'm okay, that I am somewhat desirable in some capacity to someone.

Or maybe I'm not and this is all the truth just unfiltered and raw for what it's worth.

Maybe I've written enough, maybe I should lay down and call it a night. The darkness is consuming me and already got its fair share of wrath in. I think I'll go to bed, some nearly 20 minutes of midnight blogging.

All I want to know is: am I enough? Do people actually care about me, or do I always have to be the one to reach out or say something first and then people will talk? Does anyone ever think about me? Why do I feel so alone? I know there are people who will readily say they are my friends, or my family would tell me they love me, but if I don't ask would I ever be told as such?

I suppose here is where I should end it, this is becoming a nasty rabbit hole of questions that aren't fair to the people closest to me. I'll share this post around, I suppose, to try to feign some sense of vulnerability. Well not that I'm trying to fake it this is truly how I am feeling, but I don't want to seem like all it is is some act. This is the real deal. This is what lays behind that big, goofy smile, the joking of splitting people in half with all my strength, the silliness of a guy wishing to be like Batman and be heroic as needed, and the guy you all know as Geoff.

And if you're worried about me, I'm not going anywhere. This is not a goodbye, I just wanted to get it off my late night mind. I have some Lindsey Stirling concerts to go to this summer, and here returns the mask of the jokes and silly reasons for sticking around, but I guess any reason is a good reason if it means you can be guaranteed I'm not doing anything dangerous or rash.

Good night.

Solitude

 Maybe it's because the holidays are coming up and it's usually my favorite time of year what with the warm, festive memories of spending time with family and friends. Looking forward to gatherings and just having good times over food (and now drink). To look forward to the warmth of the holidays, to the secular aspects of Christmas Day in which we give each other gifts and presents that we thought of (okay to be fair I don't actually know if the gift giving is secular or not, but I'm guessing so since really from a religious aspect it's about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ). All of the fun and joys of the season, I mean 'tis the season after all, right?

And it's got me thinking because there's always the Hallmark movies that showcase how awesome it'd be to find someone to love or to be with for the holidays. Someone who isn't family but chooses you nonetheless. And sure in those movies it's generally a significant other, some girl returns to the hometown finds someone she thinks she likes but ultimately ends up with the guy who no one would've necessarily thought would be the one since he's not as flashy and impressive as the crush. Yada yada yada, I'm sure you know what Hallmark Christmas movies are and if not, just watch one and you get the feel for it. They're all designed to be the holiday, feel-good kind of movie. A bit cheesy, yes, but whimsical too. On top of the Hallmark movies, with social media and the quick form content that is easy to consume on apps like TikTok, I see all these edits in which it looks so nice seeing everyone else's relationships panning out to be some wondrous thing. A magical feeling, if you will. And then there's been a few that recognize that not everyone gets that happy ending. I've seen some that say "some men on Christmas" and it's a guy dancing and playing in the snow with his girlfriend, then it cuts to "other men on Christmas" and it's some clip of Ryan Gosling slowly lying down on some stairs while it snows, just reflecting on life it would seem while the background music was first joyous tunes of "Last Christmas" before it muffles out a bit when the Ryan Gosling clip appears. And it just felt so... relatable.

Without delving too deep into the whole spiel that I'm still single and always looking for a relationship, because that is just something that ebbs and flows especially here on my blog, there's another aspect that came up that really has me feeling alone in this time of bonding and friendship and companionship.

After consulting with friends, we came to the conclusion that my reaction is valid and not overdramatic or overexaggerated, etc. So here we go.

Last night, November 17th, 2023, there was a small little event where a friend of mine, Jim, was playing drums in one of his recreational bands at a restaurant. The restaurant was maybe 20-25 minutes away from home. Originally I figured I'd see if any of my work friends were going, and one of my friends who've since moved on to another job and we don't see each other much, I asked if he wanted to go. He asked if a mutual was going and if that person was going, he wasn't going to go (details omitted here but just go with it). So I figured if the mutual wasn't going then it's a definite yes to go hang with me, go have some food and drink and listen to Jim play some drums with his rock & roll band.

We were planning all the way up until Thursday night, so the night before the event (or 2 nights ago to make it easy). Then he just texts me after we organized most of the details down and says something along the lines of "I'm gonna be honest, I don't really want to go somewhere that's 30 minutes away to see Jim play. I mean not that I don't want to see you or see Jim, but it's just far and I'd rather do something else. I still want to see you and hang out with you though." And I was just in shock from that. I just told him that I was still planning to go see Jim play and that was that.

Ultimately I didn't go see Jim play because sometime between coming home from the gym and work, I ended up falling asleep on the couch and by the time I awoke, it was already 7:40p.m. and not that I couldn't have gone since the event was going 'til 11p.m. I just was groggy a bit and by the time I fully awoke, it was 8 something and then we ate dinner at home and then I called it a night.

The main thing that spurs on the feelings of solitude though is that this friend of mine whom I had thought was a solid friend and still sort of do, just never makes plans with me and I always have to start the plan-making. And naturally if I'm going to be doing all the grunt work of finding things to do and organizing it, I'm generally going to make the plans slightly favoring the things and places I like to go. The things he likes to do is go out real late and go to bars or clubs or something, and that's just not for me. I don't like really late night outings, the caveat being if I was out all day with friends and it turned into a late night, but I don't like starting even past 9pm aside from movie showings. And this friend of mine acknowledges and knows I don't typically go for those late night outings, much less at a bar.

I mean the only other time he invited me to something was to go do the drinking/dancing at a place they must know that's 30-40 minutes away easily. So the thing that bothers me is that how is the restaurant idea for last night too far but to go to a bar/clubbing that's even further by distance/time make any sense? Especially since we had been formulating these plans and then it was like he didn't want to go all of the sudden?

The mutual friend in question figures that it's because he doesn't want to potentially run into anyone from the workplace I'm at because possibly he feels it'd be awkward since he left this place. But we all knew he wasn't destined to stay there forever, so it's not a big deal. And even if it is, who cares? Just ignore those who give you strife and just live your life having fun with the friends you're with. He wouldn't have gone to that restaurant to see people he worked with, he would've gone with me and to go see Jim.

Anyways, to not beat a dead horse any longer, it's just so frustrating that he would do this and he claims he wants to hang out or see me but he never makes plans and then when we're finally planning something then he bails so late. If he really didn't want to go he should've said something. I mean sure I have bailed myself on a late night outing because it's not my thing. He said back then that he'd rather me just say I don't want to go, and yet here he is doing the same thing to me except we really planned it out and then he bailed. I mean I guess I can't frame it poorly against him since I've bailed fairly last minute, but I didn't do any real long planning like checking who else is going it was a "we're going out you want to come" and I'd give him an "I'll think about it." I guess it almost feels like I'm setting a double standard but if it was a last minute invitation I don't really know. Because the way I see my planning was that it was maybe a week, week and a half of planning and seeing who's going to get him to go and he didn't want to go after all of that.

I guess whether I find a way to justify my reasoning for feeling the way that I feel or not, this is just it. He never makes plans to hang out with me but says he wants to. Then when I finally make some plans, he doesn't want to in the end. I mean the last time I made plans we did hang out, but why is it that someone expresses they want to hang out but never makes the plans?

Whatever the case is, it just makes me feel alone in this time of year because then it just feels like I'm not valued enough by the people who want to see me yet they don't make any effort to coordinate anything. I guess it isn't helping the matter but I am just going to go minimal contact until he decides to organize something, and if in due time he doesn't initiate, then perhaps that ship has sailed. I'm not putting a real deadline on this but it is just something of if you keep saying you want to hang out but never make plans, how am I to know you actually want to hang out?

Maybe this is why I feel alone because I set occasional unrealistic expectations for others, but is it so much to ask for someone else to make plans or make time for me rather than me always having to make time for everyone else?

My Kingdom Come

 Almost a year since I was last here, well since December 31st of last year so we're still quite a bit a ways from claiming a whole year since revisiting the blog, but alas it is time for that hiatus to be broken. For the silence to end. For the flood gates to open.

I was doing pretty well all of this year, as far as it got anyhow. Then of course one cannot simply expect a whole calendar year to go by without any hiccups, or at least anything that is major enough to bring me back to this place. Don't get me wrong I don't have any ill feelings towards this site as it's definitely helped me to work through some tough experiences in the past. But all the same we are back here and it's with a heavy heart that I am writing.

In the last 2-3 weeks, a bomb was dropped onto me. A bomb whose blast radius is seemingly unending. Where the fallout is still falling, coating everything in mystery and uncertainty, and blacking out every last light I have within. I thought I could fight it. I thought I was strong enough. But I was not.

My sister was diagnosed with cancer. And after a few weeks and multiple tests to confirm it, we've only just speculations as to what specifically it is, and it's scaring the hell out of me. I cannot hide it anymore, at least not entirely. I will do my best to mask my face, to be a smile, a beacon of light within the darkness. A firm foundation that my family can stand upon, or at the very least my sister can find safety within.

I'll give you the abridged version.

On the night that everything came crashing down, it was a slow descent that rapidly accelerated into the pits of hell. It was a Friday night. My sister was home because she had testing to be done, I was home just because that's what I do when I have no plans. The parents went out to go pick up my brother from the airport. It was looking to be a chill start to the weekend. Then it happened. The bombs dropped. There were no shelters, nowhere to hide, only the face the blast head on and it was something that became bigger and bigger the more I had begun to realize that this is reality and it's no longer just a laughing game anymore. The weight of the truth dug its heels in hard, and suddenly I was no longer capable of feeling.

What started as me simply heading downstairs to grab a drink to refresh and rehydrate after binging more Baldur's Gate 3 on my computer turned into a stoic stance and a rage unlike any other I have ever felt or experienced. Well I've had my fits of rage before, but this was different. I had to watch as time and talking went on that the entirety of my nuclear family broke down into tears out of fear, sadness, and every emotion that comes with a cancer diagnosis. My mom who never cries in front of us, my dad who I've never seen cry before at least none that I can remember, my strong-headed brother who braces against everything started crying, and my sister who has to live with everything coming crashing down when this was supposed to be a good year for her. I mean if for no one else, my sister hasn't had the true joys of feeling a senior year at all. High school level was ruined by covid-19, and now collegiate level is ruined by a cancer diagnosis. And what did I feel as the world came crashing in?

Nothing. Well at first anyways. I felt the tears trying to well up behind the eyes, but it soon turned into an ungodly rage. I felt the need to strike something, to throw something heavy, to scream and yell, but all I could manage was to stand almost perfectly still and seethe in my anger. It wasn't an anger nor rage directed at anyone or anything, but I just felt it and I couldn't let it out, I tried to not let it show but I'm sure that I gave every telltale sign away that I felt something.

Fast forward a couple of days and my sister had tried to ask how I felt about it seeing as there had been at least some time to think it all over. I was still in denial and figured that until we had further tests and proof, that it couldn't possibly be real.

Flash further forwards to the last couple of days to last week. I had thought I'd shaken it off and that everything was going to be okay. I knew it was still less than ideal but I had thought I had bolstered my mental defenses enough to withstand the storms. It almost worked.... until it didn't.

Last Friday, September 29th, we went to a Casting Crowns concert since they had been a group for 20 years now, and it was one of my dad's favorite groups. We didn't get to go in 2020 like the plan was, but at least we finally made it. Something happened that night that fractured the seemingly perfect facade. I don't know what it was or what happened, but as we sang along with their songs of hope and of faith, there was one or two times at least that I felt the lyrics almost calling out to me. And in those moments I had almost thought to reach my arm around my sister and just hug her in. To hold her tight. To let her see my softer side. But I didn't. I was on the fence of still portraying strength and stoicism that I couldn't let my guard down. I wanted her to know that I was just as scared and just as worried for the future as her, maybe not the same degree but similar enough. But I couldn't bring myself to be vulnerable. And maybe it's seeped into everything else for my life this past week.

I mean this whole week, my performance in the gym has been hindered. At first I tried analyzing variables for what I can control such as diet, hydration, sleep, exertion, etc. Then I figured maybe I was getting a little sick without symptoms but it's starting to wear me down so the body is trying to preserve its strength. Then I considered maybe it was just a required back down period to reset before I went back hard into my training. And now I'm beginning to wonder if it's all because the mental strength has failed and it's now seeping into my physical strength. I mean that doesn't make 100% sense to me, but I wouldn't be surprised if somehow deep down my strength in my mind has faltered and it's now taxing the physicality too. I mean I have told my gym friends on many occasions that sometimes when you're trying to get a new personal record, half if not more of the effort is mental. If you were to think you can't do it, you might lack the conviction to leverage your body's potential to push the limits. But if you think you can, you at least then have a shot and it'll be up to your body's failure to end your attempt. I don't know if that is a placebo effect or what, but I'm wondering if that's a possibility to where my somewhat impressive strength had vanished to.

Without overextending that point, I have been trying to figure out when I can come clean to my sister. To let her know that I want to be strong for her, to be a solid rock, a fortress in the storm, the knight in combat, the soldier at war. But I know that that is an unfair and unrealistic expectation to try to shoulder everything and pretend like it's a light weight that I carry. I know that if my sister were to find out everything about what I have just written, whether it's because she knows this blog exists, I purposely send her a link to this post, or otherwise tell her, that she would be much happier knowing I have feelings and am coming to terms with my emotions rather than hide it away. I know that bottling everything up isn't helping and for a good while there I had thought that my weightlifting was helping as it usually had when my mental state deteriorated. In the past I've had bad days but once I got to the gym and hit the weights, I was suddenly at peace and okay with what I was facing. But now that my strength is failing physically, to where am I to regain inspiration for the mental strength?

I know that ultimately I am human. That this isn't an easy path that we walk. That it throws major wrenches into our lives and our plans. I mean I have so many weekend plans I wanted to do with my sister for fun, and now we don't know what's going to happen in the coming days and weeks. We're still waiting for an official specific diagnosis of what cancer it is so we can consider treatment options. It was thought it was lymphoma, then sarcoma, and now LCH (Langerhans cell histiocytosis), but we're still not sure.

And this is now the part that I never wanted to admit, but here we are.

I've been scared to death about, well, death. I mean it's an extreme line of thinking but due to not knowing a thing about what the specific diagnosis is, and with no tangible plan for treatment and knowing that by some technicality that every day we waste away waiting for the results is more time for the cancer to evolve and progress. I don't know how rapid it is, I mean it seems relatively slow since it took several months for something to prompt the first tests, but at the same time a few months is also a short time frame, so every day counts.

I suppose it's because of my overthinking nature, maybe a splash of my paranoia, and a bit of my expectations of the worst and occasional hope for the best. The worst case scenario is that somehow this turned terminal and that's what scares me. I don't want to bury my sister. I can't. If I do, I don't know who or what I'll become. She is almost in a way my rock. She's my buddy that I can go text at a moment's notice, to play video games, hang out, go get Taco Bell, be stupid in the gym with, etc. And because of the thoughts racing at a thousand miles an hour, I can't help but think that maybe she might die. I don't want these thoughts, I mean who does? Who wants to think about the fact that their sibling might die young? Who wants to even think about anything of the sort? But here I am, having had thoughts in which she might die. And I get the feeling that my thoughts on death won't stop until I can see a timeline for treatment and success rates and numbers assuring me that it's not terminal and will just be a major hiccup on the road but nothing that will be life ending.

I feel like I am portraying something that I am not. And that is strong. I feel as if I am trying to be the hero, when in reality I need to be the civilian. I need to let my guard down, take off my mask, be human again. I need to open up, to let it out, to feel again. But I've shut myself out from me. I feel like I'm just trying to make it one step at a time. I mean maybe that's all I can ask for. But until I know more, I suppose I can't or shouldn't really plan anything too far in advance. I mean we were supposed to one day visit the live enactment of the Polar Express. We've been trying for years now. We're considering going to Six Flags to check out this Frightfest stuff to see the spooks of the Halloween season.

I just need to make it to this weekend. It's my sister's 21st after all. I just need a little bit of hope right now. I need a bit of joy, a bit of peace, a bit of healing. Well a lot of healing. I just need a respite. I want to reach out to people, more specifically my sister, but I don't know if I can. I feel that I should, but I don't have any more strength. But maybe that's why I need to. Because with all my strength that I have gained, perhaps it's time I show true strength in vulnerability. It is not weakness, it is the truth and it is more strength than many can admit they have to be vulnerable.

I want to reach out to more people at the least. Maybe tell some more friends. But I'm not looking for their sympathy. I don't want to look like I'm just begging for easier times, but maybe I need some easier times. But I also know that whatever happens, life goes on. This is just part of life and I need to live with it and not use it as a crutch to say why I am underperforming or what have you.

I don't know what else to write, I think I've gotten the bulk of it down. I know that when I hit post, unless my sister saved the link to this blog I won't be telling her about this post just yet. I don't know if I ever will. I suppose the sooner I do the better so that we can make the most of what we have now and not worry necessarily what the future may brings. I've wasted away enough time. I regret the near 2 years of not posting any pictures with my sister on social media because my selfishness and ego got in the way because I made a mistake posting a picture of her in a discord server she had not been comfortable with yet, and it turned into a spiteful "fine then I won't post you ever again" sort of deal until I realized how stupid I was to waste away those 2 years out of spite. But it's 2 years I will never get back, and if I know anything, it's that regret is the worst feeling in the world, and I'm going to tell you I already feel it with that stupidity of mine.

Maybe I ought to tell, but I don't know if I can or when. And I don't want to ask someone else to tell for me, I must do it on my own. This is my kingdom come

Side note, the song "Demons" by Imagine Dragons has been heavy on my mind lately. It used to just be a song  I just idly sing to myself to occupy my mind and fill the time at work, but some of the lyrics, while possibly cherry picked apart, has me thinking. In particular the following:

I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you, but with the beast inside there's nowhere we can hide

When you feel my heat, look into my eyes it's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide

Don't wanna let you down but I am hell-bound, though this is all for you, don't wanna hide the truth

Your eyes they shine so bright, I want to save that light, I can't escape this now, unless you show me how

To New Beginnings

It's that time of year again. We are facing down the final 24 hours of yet another calendar year. Well by the time I finish writing this, more like the final 12 hours of the calendar year, but you get the idea. Perhaps this whole New Year's thing is somewhat of a "scam" in the sense that people make such a big deal out of it, I mean in all honesty what does it really mean? Sure when you write the date, the year is +1 from the previous, but otherwise it's no real different than just cycling the dates to run through January to December again. And maybe in those layman's terms, yeah it means nothing much more than an excuse for people to have off from work and to get stupid drunk and party, but why bother rain on other people's parades?

I suppose that to an extent, this whole celebration of the New Year is more symbolic than actually meaning anything. It definitely allows for some people to sit down and reflect on what elapsed over the last 365 (or 366) days. Maybe it gives some people closure. Maybe it provides some degree of hope. Maybe it provides peace. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

It seems that as my life goes on, time goes by faster and faster. And perhaps that is simply a result of the perception of time and how just by existing for longer, percentage wise every year is a smaller and smaller portion of my total life lived. When you're 10, each year makes up 10% of your life. When I started this blog, I was 19, so each year represented about 5.26% of my life. Going into 2023, I am (currently) 23, so now each year is about 4.35% of my life. I suppose the decrease is diminishing as it takes more and more years to lower that percentage, but just something to note.

I have felt as if this year was... a lot but also not too much at the same time. It felt like I got something done and that I had achieved some things, while also feeling like I had no time to really slow it down and admire the place that I was when I started the year and seeing where I am now. To sum things up, I completed 2 more semesters of community college, with the latter being more successful than the former. I also started a new job because I also took on the responsibility and obligation to pay for my own car and the car's insurance and gas, so I needed a positive income flow. I kept up with my weightlifting and even ramped up the frequency of training to net me into some pretty nifty new personal records. I still am single after all this time, but I've learned that confidence is not something I really have to try to learn, it is simply learning to just trust myself and embrace who I am. Okay sure there still is some learning, but it's not as intense as all of the overthinking that I have done would make me think it was. So if you've been around the blog, you'd have known I was able to muster up the 5 seconds of courage to go ask out the prettiest girl in the room. Sure it didn't ultimately amount to anything, but that's okay. Kind of a shame it didn't pan out and how she stopped communicating, but I suppose it's not truly she wants to avoid me or never see me again because she also happened to occasionally interact with my social media stuff again, so I'm not sure what's going on. To not belabor that point, I figure if she wants something she can just even say or text me hello. She's busy and so am I. If something is to happen, I'm sure it will in due time. Either that or I'll find someone who is ready and wants to start something. The important thing is to focus on myself and make the most and the best of what's dealt to me and to look forward to what is to come.

All in all, I have to say that I think 2022 was better than 2021. And yes 2021 was better than 2020, but if you were here since 2020 or earlier, you'd know that even 2019 and 2020 weren't my best years, but look where I am now. Going into 2023, I'll try to keep on improving myself, keep on loving myself, and just being me. I don't care what the world necessarily glorifies as what a man should be, but I will make myself as best as possible and from there.... just live life.

So this is my anthem, this is my calling. I will be better, I will do better, I will be more intentional, and I will be less serious about things that ultimately don't matter and just focus on what does matter. What does matter is something I'm not 100% certain of just yet, but I'll figure it out. I do not know how often I will be here to blog. I may do the same thing like I did in 2020 where eventually I just don't post for months, or maybe I'll be back to post at least once a month, who knows. Whatever 2023 brings, I'll do my best.

Never Enough

"All the shine of a thousand spotlights, all the stars that we steal from the night sky, will never be enough, never be enough." -Jenny Lind in The Greatest Showman

I know that there are several truths/realities to admit to and acknowledge.

1) I should've moved on a month or two ago

2) My worth and my value is not determined by what a girl says/if she does or doesn't want to date me

3) All that of which I am feeling and writing is only temporary, none of it is real and none of it is permanent

4) If it were truly meant to be, then it would have been

And maybe there are a few more truths and realities to acknowledge, but with all that being said, I must begin.

So if you've kept up with a select few posts in the last couple months (I really haven't been writing much for a long while) you'll know that I had tried to ask out a girl at work (probably not the wisest choice in general), got a yes, scheduled a date, had to raincheck that date, never got that raincheck, and now...

Well, seeing that I attempted to move on as of last Friday (see the last/recent post titled "Coincidences") you'd think that that would've been among the last, if not the last post in regards to that one. But if that were the case, I wouldn't be here writing and you wouldn't be here reading.

So I was chatting with a coworker today during my shift. I forget if I had mentioned it first or if we got to the subject one way and then I asked a little more in that department, but the topic shifted to the crush. It was said that the crush would soon stop working at the same workplace as apparently she got accepted to the nursing school she was trying to get into by January or something? I didn't know she got accepted as all I knew was she was wanting to apply that she told me back in August, and then I might've asked once or twice in September or so trying to show that I remember things and wanted to check in on it.

Totally unrelated, but just now at 9:11 p.m. I got hit with a wave of deja vu. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but anyways.

Continuing on, I suddenly felt my heart sink upon hearing the news she would most likely halt work for now (or forever at this place, who knows, regardless it doesn't matter). I can't explain why I felt my heart sink, it's not like I was dating her or really able to try anything with her. She also hadn't returned any of the last 3 texts, first being a follow up to her return home from a trip to Peru, a second some days later trying to strike up conversation about a mutual friend returning to this area from Rhode Island, and third was a simple "Happy Thanksgiving, [name]" text that was a simple format I sent individually to all sorts of friends. Admittedly, it was the lack of response to the Thanksgiving text that began to spur on the realization and acceptance of the need to move on.

To continue my story of today, shortly after the news of the crush's change and new journey into nursing school, the conversation eventually ebbed off for a short bit and I entered into my own thoughts. It would get to me going a bit dark and it seems uncalled for and unnecessary. I mean it was only to the extent of "am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? I missed my chance and my opportunities. I should've acted sooner and forgotten about the crush I had on someone else prior since that was going nowhere anyways. Why didn't this work?" You get the idea.

And sure, I made the joke to a couple of people already, saying "oh well with this, I now can use it to fuel my workouts and get big and swole," and sure maybe that is kinda funny or just overplayed as a meme, but you have to think about it. Why would this even be fuel for my workout? I had no real investment be it time, money, emotion, etc. Sure maybe I "wasted" the last few months hoping and hoping that I could "cash" that raincheck. To hopefully somehow get somewhere, thinking maybe she'll have a break in her busy schedule to just get a coffee or otherwise get to know me as I got to know her. No money was expended, save for like $2 for when I pulled some stunt to act as if I "oops happened on a need for a Celsius energy drink and got one for her conveniently." Maybe I wasn't subtle on that, and she definitely saw through me on that one, I mean who wouldn't? But anyways, $2, if that really broke my bank, I shouldn't have even tried it. The most amount of emotion I've invested is a hope for a date, and even at that, I gained from that feeling more confident that I can go ask out the prettiest girl in the room and succeed (sometimes).

All of that fluff and nonsense to say: why do I feel like I came up short? It almost felt like I was being broken up with, but also not? I mean how could you break up with someone you were never with? Now hold on, 2020 Geoff would like a word with you, but I guess with that one, at least it felt like a relationship and maybe that one pre-emptively said "I love you" to me way sooner than was wise.

I did start questioning my worth. What could I have done differently so that maybe I could've been in a relationship with her? But then maybe it just wasn't good timing. Maybe there's some slim chance that she was genuinely interested to at least try the coffee date, but timing was inopportune what with the reason for a raincheck, then her vacation to Ireland, then the onboarding of another job (I know it would look like she got the job to avoid me, but I knew she was getting the job before I even considered to ask her out), then just the craziness of my own life and schedule. Sure I don't work 2 jobs, but I'm taking 3 classes, working 30+ hours a week spread over 6 days, I choose to lift for probably 7 hours a week average, so what time do I even have anyways? So maybe, just maybe, if she were serious, it might just be the wrong time for the both of us.

Actually, after writing that last paragraph, I am starting to feel better about it as a whole, feeling like the edge has been taken off. That I am coming more to being at peace with that (only at 9:41 p.m. so what? 30 minutes after the deja vu I had?) So now, I don't know. I get the feeling that maybe this peace is temporary as was the pain or the hurt or whatever I was experiencing earlier. But who knows, I'm going to post this all anyways in the event the flashes of hurt and pain come back for whatever reason.

Still the feeling of not being enough today wasn't fun and it made my work today drag on and on and on. I finally made it to the end and now I must prepare and see what tomorrow brings, because no matter how good or bad I feel in any given day, I must go on. The show must continue. Time isn't waiting for me. I must rise and try to power through.

I guess I'll be back to write again if I'm not making it that well. Because let's face it: I never actually stop writing about a topic (or more specifically a girl haha) until I just straight up don't return to the blog at all. Maybe this blog is cursed with knowledge, or maybe it is my downfall.

Coincidences

 Maybe it took me longer than need be to get to this point, but then sometimes things must be discovered on my own and chosen on my own rather than being told to do so by others. Yeah, I probably could've benefitted to some degree by taking the cautionary messages and ideas to let go sooner than later, but here we are.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and for fun I sent out quick little texts to a bunch of people whom I call a friend, whether I became friends with them this year or in years past. Just a simple "Happy Thanksgiving, [insert name]" and that was that. After that I would simply wait for a response and if they did, I'd continue with some "small talk" and ask what their plans were for the holiday.

Most everyone whom I had texted had sent me a reply. All except for one. And it was her.

Now I didn't necessarily expect anyone to respond, but considering it was a neutral text sent out to many people (as individual texts so I suppose one might not see the scale of which these texts were sent out) and it was for something as common as a holiday, why not just reply a quick "Happy Thanksgiving" in return?

As a result, I figured, "hey maybe this is truly like the last last last time you should hold on." And sure, maybe I've held on for way too long. On the one hand it's like "Geoff, what were you thinking holding on for so long based on a simple hope?" On the other hand, while it was a simple hope, it was enough of one considering in the last couple of years I had tried to ask out a couple of girls and they all turned me down, so when I got a "yes" it was game-changing.

Admittedly, I did feel a bit of defeat when things were slated to be put on "rain check" and as it would seem some 2 1/2 months later that said rain check must be past its expiration date. And now it makes me wonder, what was this all for?

Some people have told me that the people I meet in my life usually have something to teach me or to show me, and this counts for all people whom I befriend (or maybe not even necessarily become friends with), no matter how short or how long I may have them in my life. It got to me thinking that the last girl I would talk a lot about on this blog helped me to truly realize what it all is about to be in a relationship, to be ready to sacrifice time, energy, and resources to take care of be there for another. To become selfless.

Then what did I learn from meeting a girl, trying to ask her out, getting a yes, then ultimately never getting that date? Was it to refresh my sense of self-confidence that even if I may be scared to go talk to the prettiest girl in the room that I should try and at least owe it to myself to try to ask her out? Was it just to try to relearn what it's like to go up to different people whom I may see regularly and see what I can find out about their story and where they're coming from, and just learn how to socialize? What was it all for?

Anyways, so I've finally decided for myself that I've waited and I've tried to be cordial and text in a friendly manner here and there for long enough. I mean sure, it does truly seem like she's too busy to date right now anyways, so maybe it was just bad timing on my part. How was I supposed to know? Perhaps I should've tried talking to her and initiating everything sooner, maybe that would've worked out then? Who even knows?

But of course the day that I decide to let go is the day that she happens to stop by in the gym around the same time I do. Now from what I gather about her usual day to day routine with her jobs is that if she does show up, it's later than I am there so I'm long gone before she even steps foot in the room. But I suppose that since today it Black Friday, or more importantly, just the day after Thanksgiving, all the kids that normally have school are home or maybe the parents are all home, so she needn't be at work, and also with no swim lessons for the children, another task removed from her plate for today. So maybe the time that I'm in the gym for the last 21 months is around the same time she prefers to be in there. It could all be coincidental.

I didn't approach her in the gym, since I figured that's not what I'm there for. Besides, I didn't expect to see her again after she left work today, and I was just going to go in, do my thing, and get out and chill. I half-debated an idea to just smile and wave, but decided against that since I'm choosing to let go. The only thing I noticed is that eventually her sister came in (I know of her sister because she's mentioned her, and also I technically went to school with her sister way long ago). They were conversing, exactly what about I do not know but it's not for me to know anyways. Eventually she goes off to start doing weight training, and her sister goes for a run on a treadmill in the center of the row of treadmills, close enough to being the center of the room.

Again, it could be coincidental, but as I would look around aimlessly in between sets, I would occasionally look over in the direction of the sister, and she would happen to be looking back at me. I wasn't sure if it was just the same aimless eye wandering as treadmill running can very quickly become monotonous, but it almost felt like I was being watched. I wouldn't necessarily be surprised if I was being watched considering I had made a few moves here and there on the girl, and maybe the sister was there to keep an eye on me to make sure I didn't do anything? But I don't think I've ever truly overstepped boundaries, so it's not like I am a threat per se. Also just the whole thing about never seeing the sister in the gym before, figuring that she stays in NYC as that's where the girl told me her sister lives and works. Perhaps she was home for Thanksgiving weekend and wanted to get a workout in. Who knows?

All in all, it's almost funny and comical how the world works. The day I finally figure to myself that I'm going to let go and just return to my solitude without a thought about finding a relationship is also the same time I see her for longer and more times throughout the day than originally anticipated.

It led me to a brief prayer to see what's going on and to attempt to give it to God, but I've been a subpar Christian, heck, I've not even been a Christian much more than wanting it to be Christmas but that's not necessarily Christianity for the reasons I want to celebrate. The extent that I claim for it is if someone asks if I have a faith, and also the sterling silver cross necklace I wear day in and day out. I had tried to ask whether this lack of a reply to my Thanksgiving text is part of a sign to let go, or what am I to do with the seeming coincidences of seeing her today. Perhaps I am to still let go anyways, but then everything doesn't make sense to me if everything supposedly happens for a reason.

Forgive & Forget

 So it came up the other night since I happened to be talking about how my former boss at my current job was let go from the job and how I wasn't sure how to feel about learning the truth of why he was let go. All I'll say is that it's not something I know how to feel about because it doesn't directly affect me, but in a personal aspect I see it as a wrong, but then who am I to judge others for their wrongs when I have my own wrongs?

While I was conversing this subject with my parents since my siblings had been out of the house due to visiting friends or being in college, so it was just myself and my parents, it was somehow led right into the topic of forgiveness. While sure in this instance nothing was done that necessarily requires my forgiveness, but it was pulled from the idea that as someone who claims Christianity as his faith, that I should be Christ-like and should be kind and show the world what God would want me to do and to be to show the love of His kingdom, etc.

Considering it has been a few days since this conversation, I don't exactly remember how it transitioned as such, but it got to the topic of my dad saying I should reach out to the guy who bullied me in middle school and see if I can befriend him now and hang out or do something with him. Immediately I was put off by the mere suggestion of it, and was mildly scolded saying that it's not very Christ-like for me to not even consider giving the guy a chance. They were claiming that I had told them this guy had come out of the woodwork and apologized to me for his wrongdoing back then. But that's not how it happened. And maybe I should've said something, but I was already walled off to an extent.

The way all of it happened (I tried to find the actual instagram messages but I couldn't so you'll have to take my word for it) is that some point a few years back, I suppose during the summer of 2018, I had posted something on my instagram story (of what exactly, I haven't a clue) and at some point during the day I had gone ahead and went to check who viewed my story. Not that it really matters since I'm not sure how it tracks it and whether just quickly tapping or scrolling through counts as a viewer and what not. Anyways, I happened to go through the viewer list and saw that the guy who bullied me was among the list. Now I don't know why I thought it to be a good idea, but I had then gone to his profile, messaged him and came off a bit aggressive saying something like "why are you viewing my profile since I thought you hated me?" A big accusation and definitely not one of my proudest moments.

He eventually responded and ultimately came to a end of "yeah I don't know why I made fun of you, so I'm sorry." And yeah, I guess on the one hand it was nice to at least have read that message once, even if I can't find it today. At that time, it almost put me at a peace because it was nice to just see that some people can change for the better, and also I was a lot more into my faith while I was at Liberty (I've certainly been more and more disconnected being home and away from so many Christians day in and day out).

Now sure I guess I still could change my mind and try to reach out anyways, but I'm stuck because in my head, I got my closure, I got the ending that I am okay with. I don't have any hard feelings for the guy and I certainly hope he does well in whatever he is up to now. I've seen him maybe once or twice when I initially started my exercising in 2019, but then that was probably the last time I saw him, I don't see him anymore especially considering I'm in the gym a lot more now than I ever was back then. My only reason for not wanting to is because I don't even know what to say to the guy. I don't know if there's anything in common or what to even do to hang out or catch up. I never got the chance to know him for him. I mean if I were to really think about it, sure I was actually friends with him for the first couple weeks of middle school and back then I had felt really good about being able to make a new friend so quickly. But for whatever reason unknown to me, we would quickly be turned against each other. I'm not sure what drove that switch, maybe it was some other mutual friends under a feeling of a threat to lose their friend they've known for awhile to someone new. Maybe it was done as a "hey do this and you're cool" sort of thing. Who knows why things changed, but they did and it made my life a living hell to go to school for the next 3 years at minimum. I luckily didn't get too much of being bullied the first couple years of high school, then after that spurred on the whole "DragonPupps Era" where I felt untouchable because everyone knew my name and was watching my silly little "Let's Play" videos on YouTube. I had become a local legend, and maybe people had drawn attention to it to make fun of me, but with the thought of everyone knowing my name, I couldn't care less, so it empowered me the more and more they used the "household name."

To not side track this to that, I had wished that things could've been different. I felt that we could've definitely been friends if we had both made better choices. Maybe I could've gotten ahead of it all and try to figure out why the sudden change to making fun of me. Maybe I could've stopped myself from retaliating and making fun of him, which caused a vicious cycle of trying to one-up each other and unfortunately it was just fed and egged on by the others whom I had either already known or whom I had recently met at that time. Maybe middle school is just a god-awful time of life because everyone is beginning to hit puberty or maybe they feel that they are getting to be old enough to be "mature" or want to show off how "cool" they are that they can do certain things now. It seems general consensus is that most people don't like their own middle school years, so there has to be something rotten at the core of it all. Maybe it's simply human nature and that's how you either grow or you get left behind in the harsh reality of life and the world.

Whatever the case of what middle school is or isn't, I'm still left with what do I do now? I mean we're talking about this some semblance of an apology happening over 4 years ago. We're talking about a guy who I really only saw in middle school. I mean sure I knew he was at the same high school as I was, but somehow I never saw him in the halls. Or at least I can't recall ever seeing him. Maybe because there were 1,000+ students roaming the halls in between class periods, maybe it was just the way schedules were organized since it wasn't necessarily split by school grade, who knows? Whatever the case, I haven't really seen or talked to the guy much, save for those one or two instances I mentioned about in 2019, in nearly 10 years. 2023 is around the corner, I "graduated" middle school (does it count as a true graduation?) back in 2013, so when this current school year ends, it'll be 10 years since middle school.

If it were up to me, I think I'm quite content just going on with my daily life without a single thought about this guy. And he might be the same and is content going through his life without a single thought about me. I think that that's totally fine. I suppose it comes down to the whole forgiveness subject. I mean do I, and really do I, forgive this guy for how he made my life suck for a few years? I mean I don't hold any active grudges against him, but I feel that a lot of the damage I hold today can be sourced back to the daily torture from the words said and actions against me. Saying I was fat, saying that I wasn't cool because I wasn't athletic in any capability, saying x, y, and z. And while it doesn't truly hinder me (I don't think but maybe I'm good at coping) I find that even with the last 21 months of lifting weights, I still critique every fat bit of myself. I still think that I'm not cool enough to hang out with people whom I think are cool. I don't think of myself as being able to make friends that easily. I lack so much confidence when I try to talk to girls because for so many of those formative years I was told I was ugly or never able to get a girlfriend. (Side note, I feel a little bit better about my ability to talk to girls having had more practice and just accepting things are the way they are and just practicing on the girls who I happen to see now at work or wherever, just holding casual conversation and small talk.)

Maybe this is just a wake up call that maybe I need therapy. And legitimate therapy and not just the meme of weightlifting and the gym is my therapy. Although I do have to admit that going to the gym and lifting heavy weights makes me feel good and keeps me at peace. And also the compliments from other gym goers, regardless if they're mostly or all guys, is nice to hear things like "wow you're strong" or "you're looking big" and the like. Because in that context at least being big is good. Alas, maybe there are some deep-seated things that I haven't quite resolved yet which hinder my ability to be my best. Maybe it generates a prejudice or thought process that causes me to be more cynical about the way things are. Maybe it forces me to push people away when the slightest bit of adversary or challenge arises when in reality if I had been able to step back and not be in my emotions that maybe I could've seen that it was meant in the best of ways. Maybe it is what causes me to throw the shields and walls up when things are going poorly. Maybe it causes me to have a poor reaction/defense mechanism and be ready to fight and react poorly with anger and aggression.

I could probably self-analyze myself all day long, but for the sake of not writing another 10 novels for one post, I'll leave it at this: maybe I need therapy. Maybe I didn't actually forgive him back when he sort of apologized. Maybe I did, and maybe I just have to continue on forgetting him until the topic of middle school comes up again. Or maybe I should at least for a slight moment consider that possibly, just possibly, I could try to take the moral high road and at least think about reaching out and trying to be amicable.

If I'm being honest, I'll probably not think of it much, or at least I wouldn't actually consider anything. If I know myself, I know that I'll probably mull over this for awhile longer or randomly throughout my days for a week or two, then eventually back to not even remembering this guy exists. I am just slightly torn considering the whole faith thing was brought in and for someone who wears a silver cross necklace day in and day out ever since one formal event, what does it say about me if I don't be Christ-like? The cross necklace is a statement whether I know it or not. I choose every morning to put it on and have it visible. I don't hide it under my shirt, I have it on top and on display for the world to see. Whether they do or don't see it, it is there. It is making a declaration, no matter how loud or silent it is. Therefore, I suppose my actions and choice should be able to reflect the faith I claim.

To forgive and forget, or to forgive and remember, that is the question.