Solitude

 Maybe it's because the holidays are coming up and it's usually my favorite time of year what with the warm, festive memories of spending time with family and friends. Looking forward to gatherings and just having good times over food (and now drink). To look forward to the warmth of the holidays, to the secular aspects of Christmas Day in which we give each other gifts and presents that we thought of (okay to be fair I don't actually know if the gift giving is secular or not, but I'm guessing so since really from a religious aspect it's about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ). All of the fun and joys of the season, I mean 'tis the season after all, right?

And it's got me thinking because there's always the Hallmark movies that showcase how awesome it'd be to find someone to love or to be with for the holidays. Someone who isn't family but chooses you nonetheless. And sure in those movies it's generally a significant other, some girl returns to the hometown finds someone she thinks she likes but ultimately ends up with the guy who no one would've necessarily thought would be the one since he's not as flashy and impressive as the crush. Yada yada yada, I'm sure you know what Hallmark Christmas movies are and if not, just watch one and you get the feel for it. They're all designed to be the holiday, feel-good kind of movie. A bit cheesy, yes, but whimsical too. On top of the Hallmark movies, with social media and the quick form content that is easy to consume on apps like TikTok, I see all these edits in which it looks so nice seeing everyone else's relationships panning out to be some wondrous thing. A magical feeling, if you will. And then there's been a few that recognize that not everyone gets that happy ending. I've seen some that say "some men on Christmas" and it's a guy dancing and playing in the snow with his girlfriend, then it cuts to "other men on Christmas" and it's some clip of Ryan Gosling slowly lying down on some stairs while it snows, just reflecting on life it would seem while the background music was first joyous tunes of "Last Christmas" before it muffles out a bit when the Ryan Gosling clip appears. And it just felt so... relatable.

Without delving too deep into the whole spiel that I'm still single and always looking for a relationship, because that is just something that ebbs and flows especially here on my blog, there's another aspect that came up that really has me feeling alone in this time of bonding and friendship and companionship.

After consulting with friends, we came to the conclusion that my reaction is valid and not overdramatic or overexaggerated, etc. So here we go.

Last night, November 17th, 2023, there was a small little event where a friend of mine, Jim, was playing drums in one of his recreational bands at a restaurant. The restaurant was maybe 20-25 minutes away from home. Originally I figured I'd see if any of my work friends were going, and one of my friends who've since moved on to another job and we don't see each other much, I asked if he wanted to go. He asked if a mutual was going and if that person was going, he wasn't going to go (details omitted here but just go with it). So I figured if the mutual wasn't going then it's a definite yes to go hang with me, go have some food and drink and listen to Jim play some drums with his rock & roll band.

We were planning all the way up until Thursday night, so the night before the event (or 2 nights ago to make it easy). Then he just texts me after we organized most of the details down and says something along the lines of "I'm gonna be honest, I don't really want to go somewhere that's 30 minutes away to see Jim play. I mean not that I don't want to see you or see Jim, but it's just far and I'd rather do something else. I still want to see you and hang out with you though." And I was just in shock from that. I just told him that I was still planning to go see Jim play and that was that.

Ultimately I didn't go see Jim play because sometime between coming home from the gym and work, I ended up falling asleep on the couch and by the time I awoke, it was already 7:40p.m. and not that I couldn't have gone since the event was going 'til 11p.m. I just was groggy a bit and by the time I fully awoke, it was 8 something and then we ate dinner at home and then I called it a night.

The main thing that spurs on the feelings of solitude though is that this friend of mine whom I had thought was a solid friend and still sort of do, just never makes plans with me and I always have to start the plan-making. And naturally if I'm going to be doing all the grunt work of finding things to do and organizing it, I'm generally going to make the plans slightly favoring the things and places I like to go. The things he likes to do is go out real late and go to bars or clubs or something, and that's just not for me. I don't like really late night outings, the caveat being if I was out all day with friends and it turned into a late night, but I don't like starting even past 9pm aside from movie showings. And this friend of mine acknowledges and knows I don't typically go for those late night outings, much less at a bar.

I mean the only other time he invited me to something was to go do the drinking/dancing at a place they must know that's 30-40 minutes away easily. So the thing that bothers me is that how is the restaurant idea for last night too far but to go to a bar/clubbing that's even further by distance/time make any sense? Especially since we had been formulating these plans and then it was like he didn't want to go all of the sudden?

The mutual friend in question figures that it's because he doesn't want to potentially run into anyone from the workplace I'm at because possibly he feels it'd be awkward since he left this place. But we all knew he wasn't destined to stay there forever, so it's not a big deal. And even if it is, who cares? Just ignore those who give you strife and just live your life having fun with the friends you're with. He wouldn't have gone to that restaurant to see people he worked with, he would've gone with me and to go see Jim.

Anyways, to not beat a dead horse any longer, it's just so frustrating that he would do this and he claims he wants to hang out or see me but he never makes plans and then when we're finally planning something then he bails so late. If he really didn't want to go he should've said something. I mean sure I have bailed myself on a late night outing because it's not my thing. He said back then that he'd rather me just say I don't want to go, and yet here he is doing the same thing to me except we really planned it out and then he bailed. I mean I guess I can't frame it poorly against him since I've bailed fairly last minute, but I didn't do any real long planning like checking who else is going it was a "we're going out you want to come" and I'd give him an "I'll think about it." I guess it almost feels like I'm setting a double standard but if it was a last minute invitation I don't really know. Because the way I see my planning was that it was maybe a week, week and a half of planning and seeing who's going to get him to go and he didn't want to go after all of that.

I guess whether I find a way to justify my reasoning for feeling the way that I feel or not, this is just it. He never makes plans to hang out with me but says he wants to. Then when I finally make some plans, he doesn't want to in the end. I mean the last time I made plans we did hang out, but why is it that someone expresses they want to hang out but never makes the plans?

Whatever the case is, it just makes me feel alone in this time of year because then it just feels like I'm not valued enough by the people who want to see me yet they don't make any effort to coordinate anything. I guess it isn't helping the matter but I am just going to go minimal contact until he decides to organize something, and if in due time he doesn't initiate, then perhaps that ship has sailed. I'm not putting a real deadline on this but it is just something of if you keep saying you want to hang out but never make plans, how am I to know you actually want to hang out?

Maybe this is why I feel alone because I set occasional unrealistic expectations for others, but is it so much to ask for someone else to make plans or make time for me rather than me always having to make time for everyone else?