The Bigger Question

For the majority of my life I've gone to church; celebrated Good Friday, Easter, Christmas; I've had my fair share of prayer; lived out what I had thought were various moments of divine intervention from being reconnected with my school trip when separated and lost, to a time where some stranger almost wanted to fight me at the Rockefeller Center over a misunderstanding of me trying to just stay upright in the massive crowds. I've never had a reason to doubt that God is real and that there was a greater purpose to life than simply just the whole birds and the bees. Until recently.

Today was the first day I've been back to church for service in 7 weeks. Started with week 1 having tickets for a Yankee game at 1:35, so traveling out there meant having to skip church. Week 2 was helping to move my sister out from her dorm for the summer. Week 3 was another Yankee game since we had qualified for a special deal that was relatively cheap tickets and then a hot dog and a drink. Week 4, I had a training course to get certified as a lifeguard and in CPR, AED, and first aid, so that I can get a new job since being fired from my old one months ago. Week 5, we simply did not go for reasons unbeknownst to me, but I assume it was because we needed some sort of maintenance at home and my parents had to be home for it, and thus did not tell my siblings and I to go without them. Week 6, it was solely my sister and myself at home and we overslept since we just lounged at home all day and stayed up late.

So why outline everything as to why I haven't gone to church in awhile? Is it for some desire for justification as to why I skipped for so long? No clue. But what I can tell you is I haven't minded not going to church for so long. I almost welcomed the feeling of not having to go. So it made me start to wonder: do I actually fit what I claim for myself? For so long I have claimed and told many people whom I've met and seen that I am a Christian. But then wouldn't a true Christian be trying to attend church as regularly as possible, pray regularly, read the Bible, and practice what one preaches so to speak? Although I suppose that even if I had gone to church for all these past weeks, I don't do a lot of what I simply just listed.

So why question things now? Everything has gone well enough and has provided me with a very comfortable lifestyle thus far. I have never known what it is like to struggle (except academically due to mine own procrastination) but otherwise I've always had a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table, and so many luxuries such as a car to use, going to movies, buying video games, toys, etc., and even the phone I am using to type this post now.

I guess the whole thing is that how can I claim to be a Christian when I have failed so hard as one. In my areas of shortcomings, downfalls, and failures, I feel this is one my bigger areas that I have fallen. Is it a good enough reason to walk away from faith? Probably not. But I am conflicted the more and more I try to learn and be of the world. Perhaps this should be a wake up call to find a different means of digging down into my faith. Maybe even writing out this post is helpful as it forces me to think out my thoughts and post it somewhere. As far as reasons for why I'd step away is because I just have pretty much enjoyed not having anywhere to go per sé that isn't for my perceived benefit or fun. Although how does that fit for moving my sister out of college or just simply not going? Going to ball games are certainly fun and doing a required training course so that I may get a job is just what is necessary of me and there was no other way to go about it.

I could even try to say that I want to walk away because of the people whom I've seen claim Christianity yet do horrible things and deem themselves the ultimate condemner. To be the judge, jury, and executioner of what people and society should be due to weaponizing their lacking understanding of the bits and pieces of the Bible that they use against others. But even if they were bad and the whole stigmatized and almost stereotypical thoughts and beliefs of what a Christian is, I shouldn't let the downfall of others dictate what my beliefs should be. If I believe something and have faith that it is true, and if I see others making mistakes, then I must simply do my best to do what is right and then show people what I think what should have been done instead of all of what I am, in my own way, condemning.

I guess after writing this, I am feeling that I probably will stick to my faith, however I just need to find my own way to connect to it as I definitely have not found much from the church which I have called home for years and years on end.