Reminiscence & Relapses

 Where oh where do I begin? It's been a little while since I've come to write a post, and I'd like to think that it's a good thing that it's few and far in between that I am here to write something. I mean I feel like it's not necessarily a bad thing to just write out my thoughts and publish it to this blog, but I also have to wonder: why am I here again?

For starters, a friend of mine whom I've met through online communities over the last 9 months has been going through some stuff and one of the things she tweeted out was something along the lines of trying to forget something or someone. I offered my only advice in which the best way to forget something is to just let the mind remember it if the memory in question returns or arises, then let it go as soon as you can. To try to actively not think or remember something causes you to remember it. For example, if I were to tell myself "don't think of a purple elephant", now I'm thinking of a purple elephant.

The advice I gave was not of mine own self-generation (is that the term) but basically I did not author that advice, but I know it has helped me in the past. And with that, we dive deep into a subject that's all too familiar and too frequented within this blog of mine.

I'm up a little late because it's the weekend and why not. I'm just winding down for a few minutes, watching different videos on YouTube as I let some ointments set in to combat the eczema I have on my hands and feet. One video is "familiar sounds everyone knows on a kalimba." It starts off by hitting a couple of notes that sounds like one of the airplane noises, I think it's the seatbelt sign turning on, but that's irrelevant. This video I watched is just shy of a minute long, and the back half of the video is playing part of a Minecraft song, "Haggstrom." I got curious and thought to myself, "I think I know the title to that song but I'm not sure so let me try searching on YouTube that title I'm thinking of and see if the first result matches." Lo and behold it does. So I listen to the song in its entirety because if nothing else, Minecraft music is so peaceful and calming.

Then I became nostalgic.

I was nostalgic because of my history with the video game. Being someone who has loved video games, and I think I still do (although sometimes I feel a burnout but that's probably just due to my lack of motivation to try some new games and just rinsing and repeating games I've played dozens of times), Minecraft had become integral to my playstyle. I loved the sandbox feel to it, but there was still a certain level of grinding and progression to make to create something that's fun and awesome. So each new "world" I'd start would usually lead to hours upon hours of playtime to create a house, establish a village, complete the "campaign" of going to the Nether and The End, etc. Then other memories of how at first when I didn't play it, I made fun of the game, then come May 1st, 2013, I finally bought the game and tried it and had many a years full of fun and entertainment on both servers and private, single-player worlds. I guess that led to 9 years of having the game, although it was only really at most 6 years of playing it considering I haven't much touched the game since being back at home for the longest time in awhile.

The nostalgia started with just thinking about the times I had so much fun, and now I don't even touch the game. I joke to people saying I won't play the game now with the warden enemy in the game, but that's not true. I just don't play it anymore and I sometimes wish I do just get myself back into it. And then, as the music from the video of "Haggstrom" progressed, it started painting pictures and bringing forth memories of me constructing houses and buildings whilst passively listening to that song and others among the playlist within the game. And then it hit me.

I had connected the reminiscence of Minecraft and the bit of advice I had passed on to my friend about trying to not actively forget something, and I started thinking about her. It's been a long time since I last thought about her, or at least had enough nostalgic memory and feeling to consider writing a post about it. It's not even that I wish things were different per se, or that I wish I could've been in a relationship with her to this date, yada yada yada. I just started missing those hundreds of hours a small group of friends and I had poured into a Minecraft server that was powered through a site called Aternos or something like that, where it runs as long as someone is actively using it and otherwise shuts down, but it takes just a mere couple of moments to reboot. There are many a stories regarding that server sprinkled throughout various blog posts, but I start the wild goose hunt trying to find each post that mentions a story. What I'm trying to say is that there was a lot of goofing around, and a lot of neatness regarding the server because there had been everyone's unique building and playstyle all within a localized area in a virtual game. We had our houses, and because I started the server and this was set for the usage for anyone within the fun group lovingly named "The Batphamily", naturally the area in which we all had our houses was called "Gotham City" (it also helped that we happened to spawn in on an island, which matches the part where Gotham is just NYC, but that's another topic for another time).

The part I'm getting at is that I just remember those days fondly. Of course there are always things that could've been done differently, that maybe we'd all still be occasionally hopping onto the server and hanging out on a discord server. But life goes on, right? We all become more and more of an adult, getting jobs, looking for careers, buying houses, getting married, starting families, etc. For a lot of people that's just part of the cycle of life and some may hit certain points sooner or later than others. And as we get older and life gets busier, who even knows that had things not melted down that if we even would have time to sit down and game together? I know me personally, I'm working again, I still regularly and pretty consistently workout in the gym, and then a friend of mine whom I like to try to game with once in awhile is working some overnights, has a wife and a house, and in recent news is expecting. So much has changed, and with all of that, even just my friend and I hardly get a chance to game. We are finding our own things that spark our fun and our drive.

So even if I were to hypothetically wonder what would've happened or what could've been, it just might've been destined to drift apart anyways. Not to say that we couldn't try our best to be friends or hold the group together, but just that as time goes on and as we have less common ground such as being on campus at university, it'll just become harder and take more planning for something to happen rather than "hey I know we all got to eat lunch, so why not get something together this Saturday since we all have the meal plans anyways."

I guess it also goes without saying that when I do hit these relapses of thinking about the girl, I do still sometimes wish I could just get one more chance just to sit down face to face and talk to her. I don't expect that to ever happen and even if it somehow did, I definitely am not expecting to rebuild anything, much less try again for a relationship. I mean after all, it's been over 2 years now since I've talked to her, and I'll probably just go on for the rest of my life never talking to her again. But that's okay, and that's fine. I've found new people, maintained some of my past connections, and I'm also possibly entertaining the idea of pursuing some girl I've met at work (and yes I am aware that usually relationships in the workplace can be a sticky situation, but I figured if I don't try, I'll never know, and also that she's a seasonal worker since she's a college student, so this isn't her final destination for a career, and neither is it mine. That and also the employee handbook doesn't have anything against coworkers dating from what I can remember, as long as both parties are over 18, in which she is 21). Back to the main topic, I don't even know what I would say. I don't know what I'd want from a final conversation, but I also know that this isn't the first time I've partially half-fantasized about getting this last talk. I guess I just would want to square things away. I already have my closure on it, I've written a so-called "goodbye letter" to her that was ultimately just posted here on the blog just a little over a year ago. So it's not like I'm really trying to find any more closure. I guess I'd just want to talk about life. Check in, see how she's doing, be a good person. I know that she's probably moved on from me a long time ago, and I should've moved on entirely. Yes I have made progress, but also here I am. But then again it's just a mere relapse, right? Right???

All in all, I guess my late night thoughts tend to push me towards a higher likelihood of blogging, of reminiscence, or relapsing and talking about subjects I've beaten to a pulp. But I guess as long as I'm not obsessively coming here to rant about things, it's not the worst thing in the world? I am almost certain that there will come a day in which I won't ever think about her much more than "yeah, SRD  was a former crush/kinda sorta girlfriend of mine. What happened happened, and I hope she's doing well." I know that if I am destined or called to be a husband and even a father that I'll eventually find my way to a girl who loves me for me and is willing to build and create a future together. That if you believe in the whole destiny thing, that every time I ask a girl out and she says no, then I'll be one more step closer to finding the girl I'm supposed to be with. I'm not sure if I buy into that entirely, but it's technically not wrong either, because if you're not supposed to be with whichever girl you're currently crushing on, then ultimately it won't work out and you'll eventually move on to find another crush. And sure there can always be the "I really hope this crush works out" because let's face it: who wouldn't want a crush to work out? You put some level of energy and intent forward, hoping that maybe through conversation and friendship that maybe there are qualities in that person that you would love to build a future with, and hopefully they reciprocate those feelings to you. So naturally you'd want a "success", but sometimes it just doesn't work.

Anyways, I guess that's all I have to say about this this time. Hopefully this doesn't become a regular thing and that I just let bygones be bygones. Let it all be water under the bridge and maybe I'll have my "happily ever after" some day. Hopefully sooner than later, but I've waited this long for it to happen, what's a few more months, or a few more years going to do? Maybe make me feel a bit desperate, but that's okay. I'll just focus on me for now, try to hold conversation with whichever pretty girl I'm crushing on, hope that something works out, but if not, oh well I tried my best.

The Bigger Question

For the majority of my life I've gone to church; celebrated Good Friday, Easter, Christmas; I've had my fair share of prayer; lived out what I had thought were various moments of divine intervention from being reconnected with my school trip when separated and lost, to a time where some stranger almost wanted to fight me at the Rockefeller Center over a misunderstanding of me trying to just stay upright in the massive crowds. I've never had a reason to doubt that God is real and that there was a greater purpose to life than simply just the whole birds and the bees. Until recently.

Today was the first day I've been back to church for service in 7 weeks. Started with week 1 having tickets for a Yankee game at 1:35, so traveling out there meant having to skip church. Week 2 was helping to move my sister out from her dorm for the summer. Week 3 was another Yankee game since we had qualified for a special deal that was relatively cheap tickets and then a hot dog and a drink. Week 4, I had a training course to get certified as a lifeguard and in CPR, AED, and first aid, so that I can get a new job since being fired from my old one months ago. Week 5, we simply did not go for reasons unbeknownst to me, but I assume it was because we needed some sort of maintenance at home and my parents had to be home for it, and thus did not tell my siblings and I to go without them. Week 6, it was solely my sister and myself at home and we overslept since we just lounged at home all day and stayed up late.

So why outline everything as to why I haven't gone to church in awhile? Is it for some desire for justification as to why I skipped for so long? No clue. But what I can tell you is I haven't minded not going to church for so long. I almost welcomed the feeling of not having to go. So it made me start to wonder: do I actually fit what I claim for myself? For so long I have claimed and told many people whom I've met and seen that I am a Christian. But then wouldn't a true Christian be trying to attend church as regularly as possible, pray regularly, read the Bible, and practice what one preaches so to speak? Although I suppose that even if I had gone to church for all these past weeks, I don't do a lot of what I simply just listed.

So why question things now? Everything has gone well enough and has provided me with a very comfortable lifestyle thus far. I have never known what it is like to struggle (except academically due to mine own procrastination) but otherwise I've always had a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table, and so many luxuries such as a car to use, going to movies, buying video games, toys, etc., and even the phone I am using to type this post now.

I guess the whole thing is that how can I claim to be a Christian when I have failed so hard as one. In my areas of shortcomings, downfalls, and failures, I feel this is one my bigger areas that I have fallen. Is it a good enough reason to walk away from faith? Probably not. But I am conflicted the more and more I try to learn and be of the world. Perhaps this should be a wake up call to find a different means of digging down into my faith. Maybe even writing out this post is helpful as it forces me to think out my thoughts and post it somewhere. As far as reasons for why I'd step away is because I just have pretty much enjoyed not having anywhere to go per sé that isn't for my perceived benefit or fun. Although how does that fit for moving my sister out of college or just simply not going? Going to ball games are certainly fun and doing a required training course so that I may get a job is just what is necessary of me and there was no other way to go about it.

I could even try to say that I want to walk away because of the people whom I've seen claim Christianity yet do horrible things and deem themselves the ultimate condemner. To be the judge, jury, and executioner of what people and society should be due to weaponizing their lacking understanding of the bits and pieces of the Bible that they use against others. But even if they were bad and the whole stigmatized and almost stereotypical thoughts and beliefs of what a Christian is, I shouldn't let the downfall of others dictate what my beliefs should be. If I believe something and have faith that it is true, and if I see others making mistakes, then I must simply do my best to do what is right and then show people what I think what should have been done instead of all of what I am, in my own way, condemning.

I guess after writing this, I am feeling that I probably will stick to my faith, however I just need to find my own way to connect to it as I definitely have not found much from the church which I have called home for years and years on end.