i cannot be trusted with power. i cannot be given a position of authority without the chance of me intentionally using the power in a wrong way. it corrupts me
the last time this happened it was because i couldn't deal with the person who was being rude to me and so what i did impede their ability to interact online within a community. this time it was a false sense of something that i would be able to do something and not have it affect me in the end.
i never hold myself accountable and given the chance to run or to escape, i do and just hope the problem disappears on its own and doesn't come back to burn me later on. when i am questioned i try to deflect or move on, however i am not as subtle or secretive as i may think i am
i have a problem with being honest sometimes. i get this seed of an idea from viewing what is fine or acceptable and then if something matches enough conditions, i think that maybe i can do the same and not have to worry about it.
what do i do with myself? i am too prideful to accept the results of my actions and my inactions from running away from what i had perceived to be a problem. people are a lot more understanding than i realize and give credit for, is this because i have no real way to express my feelings or thoughts or emotions? i mean i have this space here but who cares about any of the things i write here, i mean no one ever mentions it, so i don't even know if anyone reads it aside from a little view counter on the back end of having creator control or whatever when i view this blog from my desktop.
all i had to do was explain myself. or better yet just stop thinking about yourself and think about other people. to realize actions have consequences which i should've realized back in 2020, and i claim that i do recognize it, yet here i am again. just to realize that no one cares or is responsible for the way i feel about any damn thing, that if i get offended or feel tilted, toxic, angered, discomforted, you name it, all because of the presence of someone, i don't get to remove them and not explain myself.
the real course of action should've just been to block the account on my end and just deal with not necessarily catching on to the context of a conversation if there are noticeable gaps in between what is said from what is still viewable. i even had a third party app on my desktop to hide the display of "blocked messages" in discord, and it worked for awhile until i got fed up with seeing supposed unreads because discord itself just sees it as normal and the extension i downloaded was simply to fix aesthetics and not a real be all end all.
so what happens now? well nothing. it's been set as a perceived thing that i am offline from discord supposedly to focus on schooling, and partially it is true because i did spend a lot of time on discord and wasted many a hour just trying to post memes, send tiktoks, etc because my subconscious was driven by the leveling up system and that i had to make my way to some imaginary number that ultimately meant nothing more beyond how active or how much one spams the server in reality. the other piece is just running from accountability and responsibility, and as i occasionally open discord anyways on my desktop (seeing as i have deleted the app from my phone) that i have been removed from positions of digital power as a result from my lack of explaining anything. even if i did try to explain it, how do i even approach it beyond i get irritated or feel like i am in a worse state of mind if i see someone active in chats that i didn't get along with.
i mean if i don't get along with someone but it's only me, then i don't get to just ban them because i can't handle it. or even if i was able to or allowed to do that, i should be ready to explain it if someone asks instead of running away when i had a chance to ask for forgiveness for my action. the saying goes it's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission, but if i'm not going to ask for either then what is the point and maybe i was on some self-righteous power trip and should never be allowed to control or have power ever.
maybe this is the lesson i needed to learn all these years, to just be a follower rather than a leader. people always tell me i should lead that i need to be a leader, and if need be i'll step up to the plate. but sometimes it's unnecessary for me to be there and if i get complacent or if i think i become untouchable, i corrupt insanely easily. i am a weak man and don't deserve a damn thing in life
the corruption existed in two different discord servers now, granted the first one there was other corruption too, but this one was fine until i walked through the damn door
maybe i should leave the server and just walk away with my tail between my legs so to speak. but if i do that now, considering i was just demoted today, it will appear as if i left because of the demotion, and that makes me the manipulative one. and here i was telling some random person who inquired about a former roommate if they are a good person or not to meet up with for a first time and i lit the ground on fire all around my former roommate deeming them as the manipulative one. oh how the turntables, am i right
i don't really know what else to say because i didn't even intend for this to be as long as it is. the thoughts might not even be coherent, but i'm not in a good spot and it's because i am realizing i didn't grow, i didn't change, i didn't become more than i was before, in fact i became less. i became a monster, i am not vengeance, i am not the night, i am not batman. batman although he is fictional, would not be as crass or rash as i am or have been over these last few years.
damn it all to hell, and screw everything i've ever cared about. now i know why i am never in a relationship because i am so fucking childish. some things that people have said about me in the past are now finally visible to myself, i cannot get myself to grow up because i always live in a fucking fantasyland. i don't deserve to have friends, i don't deserve to have anything that i do have today. i don't deserve to ever find joy or happiness because i am too full of myself that i think i can do what i want with zero consequence and i only want to chase things that raise my status, yet i am not doing anything that truly makes me good
i am the problem
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