Is It True?

 I feel that sometimes the most common saying these days when there's uncertainty or the unknown ahead is that people would tell about how things get better. How one would "figure it out" or to not have to worry because there is something greater coming soon. How there's more to life than what one feels on the daily basis. How it seems to be so easy to determine or discern what I am to do with my life because life isn't really free to live, there is so many costs to living in the modern society to have all the accesses to the advancements in life and luxuries of today.

I feel that sometimes it's just easier to tell someone who is lost that "you'll find your way" or that "tomorrow is better." I find that sometimes the here and now or in the moment it seems good, but that I have no real plan nor do I find any motivation or any action within myself to develop or work on something for that tomorrow. That I'm just constantly on borrowed time. That the reason I'm still kicking is because I've had so many mercies and graces in life. That I've been given a roof over my head, a place to sleep, a car to drive, food on the table, etc., all because my parents have allowed me to live at home. The most I've done for myself was finally pick up a full time job, but even then if I had been asked to told to move out of the house, I wouldn't even be able to survive because of the low payrate that I had for being unskilled labor and without a degree. That even with the full time job, I still had it easy, that at best it just gave me spending money and something to do rather than sit at home every day like I do now.

I mean I'm supposed to be studying with my online classes. I'm supposed to look into finding another job since being fired, to just get something, even if it's a part-time and doesn't exactly give me as many hours or even pay as much, just to have something. I'm supposed to be able to figure out what it is I want to do in life as the pressure is applied and that I've also created some illusion that I'll be done with my online associate's degree by the end of the fall 2022 semester, but I've not really been keeping up with my academics in favor of procrastination or whatever else just entices me to not sit down and put in the work. I don't find motivation to do school, and while I know that it could help me excel in life, I find that academics may not be the best path for me because I can never get myself to stay still long enough to get through it.

I know that if I think that deep down that academics isn't the way to go then I should just seriously look for a job in which maybe I can take up some skills and maybe work my way up through it. A field that I could see myself doing or at least bearing through in order to have something to pay the bills when the time comes for me to need to do so. But I just don't really know where to look because I've become complacent and I've become comfortable. I know that starting a new job will be a bit uncomfortable as I learn the lay of the land, but then I guess I did that back in February 2020, and I managed to make it work and learned how to just go with the flow for the majority of the 20 months that I did work. I know that there will never really be any point in which total comfort is achieved, but that's sometimes fine as that helps to challenge and make me grow.

Now I'm not going to continue on in the whole philosophical department because I know all of these things yet I don't do anything with that so called knowledge. I guess whenever I hear people tell me that things will be okay or that things will get better, I have a deep desire to want to believe them. To take that and know that maybe it's not my literal tomorrow but that something will come and I will be able to find my way through life. But I also rear back every time I hear that saying because I just don't believe it to be true. Maybe it's because I lack guidance and maybe I just don't know what to ask or even who to ask to help guide me along the way. I don't even know why I don't try to search for someone to ask but I guess if I had known the answer to any of those questions, I wouldn't be here now, right? Sitting here in the dark, late at night, wondering what even is the purpose to life and what am I supposed to be doing?

I just don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I know what I want to believe, I know that I want to find something that gives me fulfillment. I know I have all these dreams and goals in life. To one day have a relationship and maybe even my own family. To be successful and own a house or something. To be able to lift X many pounds on Y exercise as a personal feat of strength. To one day grow old with someone and just be able to say that I've lived a good life. But even with all of that, that's the destination and I haven't a clue of how to get there.

What doesn't help is that as someone who occasionally claims to be a man of faith, I see posts on social media claiming the ends of time is coming. That the rapture or just the book of Revelations is coming true and that I must yield and be faithful to be taken from the world and brought into heaven. And while I don't know if that means it's really happening or not, sometimes I wish the end of times is coming and I wish that it comes soon. I find that I don't even care if my faith has been strong enough to get me in to heaven and I would accept just entering the void and disintegrating into nothingness. I mean what even lays beyond the fragility of life?

I don't really know what to believe. There is so much that I want to believe. There is so much that I want to do. But I just don't know how to get there or what path I must take. I don't know who to ask or what is true or what isn't. I just want some things to go a certain way but I have no control over anything. I don't know who I am, and I just feel lost.