"Chi-please"

 It would seem that I have random phases in which I either blog frequently or rarely, and maybe this is a rare phase, maybe it's the beginning of a frequent phase. But here we are, aren't we?

Where do I start? Well perhaps that I was just minding my own business as a fine (yet rainy) Tuesday night melted into the early hours of Wednesday, having just showered and lying in bed, being comfortable and mindlessly scrolling through TikTok, checking Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, you name it. Then eventually I roll out of bed and hop on the computer so I can give time for my bed to cool off before I attempt to sleep the night away (as trying to get out to wash up and return to a warm bed is sometimes hard to fall asleep in, yet also hard to get out of when morning comes).

At first, my time on the computer was merely attempting to update my graphics drivers for my GPU, and at the same time just respond to friends on Discord. Then it turned into watching YouTube videos because randomly I had the song "Everybody" by Backstreet Boys stuck in my head. From there I ventured on to click on suggested YouTube videos, which was mostly stuff I had already seen, but I like to re-watch them because they're either well-done movie clips, or something that just is familiar and I know what to expect and it brings a certain level of comfort. Now I'm not entirely sure why, but I felt like I wanted to go find the video submitted for Liberty University's Christmas Coffeehouse 2019 that I made a cameo appearance in. Maybe it's because I'm in the Christmas mood as I watched the days and weeks melt away and as October is coming to a close with Halloween this Sunday. Whatever my reasoning is, it led me to here to blog, and as I think about it, maybe this was meant to be.

Video: https://youtu.be/6OwwPSsPf7I

Okay but can we appreciate this caption for the video? It's simply that. "chi-please". It's great because it's part of my cameo, but also out of context it's semi-confusing if you're not in the know.

As I watched the video, I get hit with all these memories of the past. From knowing I once despised the song "Santa Baby" (although I'm not entirely sure why, but I did back when I was like 8 or 9), to hearing Lindsey Stirling make her own take on the song for her Christmas album, to finally this parody that fit the idea and project as a whole. Then I get other memories.

Those memories mainly being that Fall 2019 was my final semester that I had attended Liberty University before I left. Well semi-involuntarily, semi-voluntarily but we're not getting into that at this moment. Let me be the first to tell you that this semester was the best semester I could have ever asked for to experience. Maybe LU isn't the college experience that many rant and rave about since it is a Christian university and there are rules that take away from the so-called experiences of college parties and getting drunk, having hook-ups, etc. But that was fine by me, it's not my cup of tea so to speak, and I still had plenty of fun in the 2.5 years that I spent down there. Some days I even find myself wishing to go back to be in the school and the environment once again, but I also know that there are a few tasks and things I'd need to sort out and get a hold of before that can happen. It's truly a beautiful place and I wish to be back some day. Who knows what my plan is or where I will go, but I will forever cherish the time that I had and all that I have learned of myself and everything whilst being there.

Now on to the bulk of this. If you're a regular here on the blog, you'll know that these last couple years have been quite something and definitely incredibly active as far as posts go. You'll know that Fall 2019 happens to coincide with the time that I had crush on a girl, was found out, spent a few months just being friends, and sorta had a relationship with her for a couple of months before things went south and it all got messy between her, myself, and a few other good friends. You'll also know that time and time again I end up on this subject and usually I'm in sorrow or I feel like I regret everything. That I could go back in time and at least change how my reactions were, so that I didn't blow up and just accepted my fate. To then at least have kept the friendships despite the relationship not sustaining through it all. You'll also know that sometimes I still go back to the subject (even tonight I am going back to the subject, but this is different, I promise).

A little bit of backstory to the day that I went to go film my piece of the puzzle. I can't exactly remember why, but I wasn't in the right headspace the night before. I was feeling alone and lost and in a way I was desperate. I tried to push people away to hide behind my own walls and shield myself from the outside. And the girl whom I had liked at the time had texted me, reassured me things would be okay, that she had appreciated my friendship at the time, that I wasn't totally a lost cause. It made me feel better in the moment, and then when I got up to film in the day time, I got all dressed up to play the suave character the project director wanted, I happened to see the same girl I crushed on. She smiled and waved to me that day and it felt like things would be fine. The filming was a lot of fun and even with my 5-10 seconds of screen time, it was still cool to be part of the project with my own "part" despite not even doing anything except existing and doing a short walk.

Come December, we have the Christmas Coffeehouse. By this point in time, things had already begun to change between my former crush and myself. There was a revelation that she started having feelings for me in reciprocation and we both had all of the week-long Thanksgiving break to mull it over and decide what the plan of action was. Nonetheless we had fun together, and then came the topic of attending Coffeehouse. At first I wasn't going to go, but then she asked if I wanted to go and she even tried to see if she could get a seat by her so I could join her. It didn't exactly work out, but it's fine I went with one of my good friends, and honestly we weren't that far from her, but I'm wondering if the experience would've been different. Anyways, prior to the event, I went to go grab some dinner with my good friend, and I was originally going to attend in just my Los Angeles Gladiators hoodie, a t-shirt underneath that, and then a green pair of joggers, with sneakers to tie off the look. Then I started thinking maybe that if she asked if I was going that I should get a bit classier in the event that maybe she wanted to take some pictures around the venue since they have cutesy little Christmas themed photo ops. 

We ultimately get the pictures, and then the event starts. There's tons of good live acts as well as videos created by other people that fit whatever the theme of that coffeehouse was that year. It was tons of fun, and then as the night drew out to a close, we were uncertain if the video I appeared in would be played. And then lo and behold, it plays.

Again, despite having a very minor role in the video, it was really cool to see myself on the big ol' jumbotron and played before thousands of the student body. And while no one would necessarily remember me for being in that, whomever I did know (for example some hall mates that happened to have seating near us, were caught by pleasant surprise on seeing me up there) would get a kick out of it. As it would turn out, she would be cheering and screaming and even I did the same. At the time, I didn't care if people judged me for being excited by it, so I cheered for myself when I saw it.

So where am I going with all of this? I said awhile back that I'd be getting into the bulk of it, and here I am 4 paragraphs deep in telling a story of how this video was created and how that night went when the coffeehouse was upon us. Well, here we go for why this post exists. If you made it this far, I thank you for reading my long-winded thoughts and appreciate you for sticking it out to see how this night in present day can potentially be helping me for my metaphorical tomorrow.

Today (considering that it's 1:40 a.m. at the time of writing this side thought) is October 27th, 2021. What does that mean aside from just being another date in the year, and marching closer and closer to the end of 2021? Well, as my phone would tell me, considering I hadn't deleted her number and contact info I stored down, it's her birthday in 3 days. Now I've been looking at that "calendar event" for the last 2-3 weeks and part of me was wondering, "should I text her and wish her a happy birthday or would that be unwise?" And I think the general consensus is that it's unwise considering she's probably moved well on from me just as I should've moved on from her a long time ago, but it's fine, we're working on that now. I don't think I'm going to text her and just let her live her life without me in it. It's probably for the best as the only other correspondence has been me texting her on Christmas last year, saying something along the lines of "Merry Christmas to you and yours" and some lengthy fluff to be like a wishing well for the holiday, to which the only text I got back was "Merry Christmas" plain and simple. So, I found myself in a point in which I was up late at night and I was in a bad mental state that night. I was de-valuing myself, saying how unworthy I was, etc. And maybe I just need to see a therapist or otherwise just talk about my feelings and really hash things out. Now that it's been a little bit since that dark phase, I know where I need to go and how I need to move.

With watching this video, I find that while it gave me all these warm and fuzzy feelings of nostalgia (seeing as the video is almost 2 years old already) that anything that happened that year, or even more specifically that semester or shortly thereafter is exactly what it is: nostalgia. That means that that time has passed and that now is the time for new things to grow, develop, and flourish. That all of the new growth cannot happen if the old gets in the way and obstructs the process. There's nothing that says I must totally get rid of the old, I just simply have to push it aside and make room for the new to sprout. Right now all of those old memories are obstructing everything and I'm not allowing a chance to grow something anew.

I know in past blogs (quite honestly I'm not sure where but I know I've said it multiple times, and just never really taken action on it) I've said that I need to accept these memories as good times and enjoy and cherish them for all the times that I did love about them. That while things didn't turn out as good as they could've been, I should just be glad I even had the times in the first place. Those memories will be cherished forever, but I cannot make them the star of the show when there's a whole world of opportunity out there. If life truly is a book and it is my story, then I how can I expect to write the next chapter if I'm not turning the page and leaving the old chapter the way it is and moving onwards. I'll never know what the next pages of life contain if I won't turn the page. And time is ticking and the clock moves onwards regardless if I'm turning my pages or not, so I might as well fill my pages with new memories and new good times that I can enjoy. That I must hold on better to the friendships that I have, the friendships that have returned, and the friendships I am to gain. That I must work on myself and allow myself to know that while it is sad that those times have passed, it was a blessing to truly be a part of them all.

My next action now is to let go and let it float past me and to keep seeing where the river of life flows to next. To see which pond I may spend some time in next, or what oceans are out there for me to charter and explore. If I keep paddling upstream trying to live in a certain spot that is done and gone, I will waste energy living in a world that is sustained by my mind and no one else is filling it with their color and their detail. They're moving on and creating new stories, so I must join them and let the water take me where I was always destined to go.

I know not whether this means I will delete every memory or every trace I have of her, or what exactly I'll do to try to stop or halt any mention of her or what have you. There is still a lot to be thought about and a lot to be done so that I may figure out how I want to trek onwards, but I think this is a good point where I am now. I'm not done, but I would like to think that I am re-attempting the acceptance of how things are and just will try my best to carry on. To carry on to the next day and find what's next for me. To see where I might go, who I might become, and who I might meet. To see what tomorrow holds, and to finally see the dawn break, after all, "the night is darkest just before the dawn, and I promise you, the dawn is coming."

To those who made it this far and who either have supported me all along be it in reading the blogs or supporting me when I reach out in text or other methods, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I cannot express how thankful I am to you all. For allowing me to repeatedly fall back into points and ruts in which I get stuck in being sad for the things that have passed that I no longer have. For supporting me and being a friend I could count on, an ally to bond with, and a shoulder to cry on, thank you.

To those who are just showing up now, thank you for reading these however many thousands of words I may have put here. Thank you for just now entering my life and being a support. Even if we never talk or never mention anything about my blog, I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to read what I have to say and letting me be against the stereotype that men have to be strong and capable and unfeeling of emotion. I truly am an emotional man sometimes, and that's okay, I think. It's a work in progress to break down my walls and open up more, but here is one of the spaces that I am most open within.

Finally, to Geoff, yes me. There may come a day where I come back and read this long post and wonder what I had previously written. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, maybe not even next month, but I know deep down I'll be back to re-read my post. Let's get back into the world, yeah? We aren't the best man around, and quite frankly we never will be. But we can try, right? We can start by accepting that things have passed and that there is plenty more for us out there. We can be better, and we can be more, can't we? Chi-please.