There's No Escape

I'd hate to go back on my own word but alas here we are, now aren't we? I said a few months ago (okay, maybe at most a "couple" since it was back in June for the authoring of that post) that I wouldn't mention or otherwise write another post about her, but it's been coming back in my thoughts and believe me I've tried to squash the thoughts or wonderings of how she's been.

At first it was nice and easy. I hit post on that "goodbye letter" and then I was free from any thought about her for the rest of June and all of July. And then it was most of August before occasionally I would see things that just brings back the memories. At work I'd see someone wants their sub labeled with "Sophia", or I'd hear talk of the tennis player Sofia Kenin. Or every time I see any American Sign Language interpreter, I briefly think of her knowing that that was her major at Liberty. Or hell, even when I think of my time as the Liberty Batman and if I want to work on improving my own costume for fun these days, I can't help but remember how I even met her which was when she offered to help design and attempt to create a cowl (which ultimately never came to fruition, but it was still how we met and eventually became friends to basically dating each other). I could probably go on and think of or find something that reminds me of her, but I think I've gone on enough as it is.

Whenever I do think of her, it's not how I was a year ago, longing for things to come back, even as friends, etc. No, I don't think or feel that way anymore as I know there's no shot of it happening that way. It's mostly a curiosity of "I wonder what she's up to", "I hope she's doing well", "I wonder how she is", etc. And maybe the simple solution is to see if I text her and see if she responds. But then I have a feeling that aside from the one off of texting her "Merry Christmas" at the tail end of 2020, and she replying with a simple "Merry Christmas" in return (albeit mine was a bit more written out), that texting her wouldn't necessarily result in anything more or even any response.

I only think that because I remember trying and pleading with her to apologize and to try to make amends. I understand it was mostly out of desperation that I tried apologizing to her, and she had to do what she thought was best which was to push me away. And when she tried to apologize for that I ghosted her that was the end of everything, if I had to guess. After that I don't know what happened, but maybe I'm just not meant to happen.

Maybe this is one of those things that will just be in and out of my mind because it was a decently major part of my life. Granted it was a miniscule period of time on the grand scheme of things (even if you count when we first became friends, 5 months is insignificant compared to now 22 years), but it was major enough as I learned a lot. I learned about what it meant to be in relationship and that it's not just coming together to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I learned how to figure out when to sacrifice and in what degree to take care of another outside of myself. I learned how I shut down and respond poorly under emotional duress and stress. I learned the weight of words and actions and how it can so easily cost a friendship or several. I learned that a lot of people are actually trying to support you, if you just let them in on what plagues you. I learned that communication is key to all friendships, not just the romantic ones. And I'm sure there is plenty more that I've learned between that, and also all the time in between.

So all of this to say that yes, 18 months after everything went south and even 2 months after attempting to say goodbye forever, I still am occasionally thinking about her. Some days it becomes a mild hurt as I think of the good times and memories I did have. But I know that that door has been closed for me. To try to reach out and text, to inquire to others asking about her, etc, is not right nor fair to me or them. Whatever friendships I may have restored or continued to have through the fire should not be strained by becoming a place of inquiry. I should just cherish the friends I do have now and try to hold on to them a bit more dearly than before and to not let something so negative happen again to lose them for good.

Am I A Joke?

 Today was a very stressful day at work. We were short-staffed so it was an increased workload for each of us who were there (as would be the case if you don't have as much help as originally accustomed to). So on top of dealing with those stresses came to the ultimate point of a customer going ballistic on me. And given I'm still new to the leadership position in a workplace as well as handling difficult customers, I realize some of my errors in my methods.

I'll hit paste from my phone's clipboard to just have the jist of the story written out. It was originally a text I sent to my manager so that he could have a copy of a sort of transcript, as a "paper trail" (I know it's electronic, but for the saying's sake).

Customer comes in sometime between 2:15-2:30 looking for a pickup order from Uber for Madi H. Frankie happened to be in and said we were working on it (it was a mini 14, so I was teaching Dorian to slice it). Few minutes pass, say 2:30-2:35 or so, she goes "excuse me, I've been standing here for 30 minutes and my order isn't ready yet". I say we were just working on it and it's be a few more minutes.

She says, "you don't even know me, so how could you possibly know what I'm here to pick up for?" I say, "you're picking up for Madi H, right?" She says "yeah, I am, but this is unacceptable that you promised it to be ready at 2:35". I proceed to show her the ticker says 3:05. Claims again it is unacceptable and that she must speak to a manager. I say just give me a moment and I can get it to you. "I must speak to a manager". I say, "the manager isn't in right now, I'm the shift lead, what do you want to do about this?"

I understand that that was improper phrasing, so I admit I was wrong to let me emotions get to me.

At that point, Sanjiv and Kenley step in because they see I'm about to blow, so they pull me to the back so they can deal with it. She goes on a tirade saying how I can't do my job, that I'm a "fucking joke" and my work is laughable that I do it for a living.

She goes on to say "what's his name" and Kenley mentions my first name, and she demands my last name, to which I told her "you're not getting my last name". Then she continues yelling saying "yeah you go back to the back! Does it look like I'm fucking hinged?" I stop interacting with her and stay in the back til she leaves. She's screaming all the while she waited.

For reference, Dorian is a new hire, Frankie, Sanjiv, and Kenley are long standing coworkers. They have worked with me on either numerous occasions or on the daily. The specificity is not necessary per sé.

So while yes, I have some learning from this, I could understand how to best de-escalate and help out for the next time. Also, I know I shouldn't let this hostile customer's words get to me as they are ultimately insignificant, and she's insignificant as well. That her words are nothing more than hot air and unnecessary. But for some reason those words are bothering me and digging deeper than what it should be. You're a fucking joke, and the your work is laughable as a living. I understand it was just heat of the moment and she was going ballistic. I hadn't said any cusses back to her nor anything supremely disrespectful aside from my poorly phrased "what do you want to do about this".

It makes me wonder if maybe it is semi-true. Maybe I am a joke? Maybe my work isn't respectable or honorable? Maybe I have nothing in life? Maybe I am nothing?

I don't know what to think or believe. Obviously friends and coworkers say to brush it off and go about my day. But it's not that easy. Maybe it's because I was tired and exhausted from the day that I couldn't keep my mental shield up that it slipped through? A dagger in the dark? A trap that sprung on the unsuspecting?

I guess I might be overdramatic, but it definitely hurts and I'm hoping this will pass.