Music

 Occasionally whenever I am browsing around on YouTube, I find videos of people showcasing either a tutorial or some difficulty level ranges for a certain song, usually that is mainstream or popular (as one  would do to capitalize on search trends and to keep garnering views and watch minutes). Today, I stumbled upon one of a difficulty range for Tones and I's "Dance Monkey", which given its popularity on TikTok and how I think the song as a whole is pretty catchy, figured I'd go take a look.

Once the creator reached the "expert" level or level 5 as they called it, they decided to add in short bits of other songs "at level 5". One of those bits included Lewis Capaldi's "Someone You Loved". And that's where the fun begins, if by fun I mean motivation/drive/inspiration to write this post, then yes it is fun.

I sometimes wonder if I should try to just never think about it again as I'm sure every time I do think about it or every time that I write a blog post about it, it only technically just reinforces the idea or the person into my mind and that will just keep it in the short term memory but also make it permanent in the long term memory. And maybe it doesn't help that I'm still single and haven't really been able to bond to someone else at that level so any thought of deeper relationships or any romantic relationship is just linked back to the one time I almost had one.

Maybe it's unhealthy, maybe I should get this checked out by some therapist (although I don't really know what therapy can or will do since there isn't really any trauma per se, aside from a broken heart that I had thought I healed). Maybe I should count it as what's done is done, as water under the bridge, as bygones being bygones. You get the point.

And yet, I cannot help but occasionally think about her. Just hoping she's doing well in life, hoping that maybe she's found a guy that can be all that I promised I'd be (yet I broke my promises, such as never hurting her but I ultimately did emotionally, or treating her well and like a princess, etc.) and hopefully more. That she gets what she deserves (in a good way) and that hopefully it all works out in wherever she may go in life. And because of those trains of thoughts (and some TikToks that come up in my feed) some people would say that I feel this way because I truly loved her. And maybe again I got too far ahead of myself and should've slowed my roll when it comes to love as that is a powerful and very strong emotion not to be thrown around lightly. But I guess I cannot go back to the past and re-write my actions or how I decided to act on things.

I don't really know what the solution to all of this would be. I mean is it that I still want a friendship or to at least reconnect, but I've buried that desire so deep down under everything because I have assumed (and still assume) that that is never going to be possible or an option to make amends and talk to her more than just texts or messages? But even if I somehow do reconnect, how will that affect me? Because while I do see some  TikToks that almost sympathize (or is it empathize) with how I feel about her, I've seen another that is against the whole "let's be friends" idea.

The reason to be against it is that there was a deep connection between a couple and with the love they once had for each other, there are a few things that happen:

1) If the person initiating the break-up says it, it's just a polite way of not being harsh in saying that the relationship won't work. But it may not be good because then this person cannot flourish on their own and find someone that a relationship could work because the other person may try to find a way back in.

2) If the person on the receiving end hears it, it's not good for them as they hold on to a hope and they will never be able to properly grieve the loss of the relationship and the emotions. Deep relationships being cut short will harm someone somewhere and somehow. Being on the receiving end of things not working will require proper processing and grieving as it is something precious now destroyed.

There was a better explanation on it all and I can't  find a link to the TikTok so hopefully I explained it well enough

All in all, have I truly processed that it's all gone? I mean it's been well over a year. What do I expect can  happen? I haven't been on Liberty's campus in such a long time, and I haven't really communicated with any of those former friends as much, save for one of them, but even then that's scarce communication as work and life in general just happens and there's seldom talking points as we aren't creating new common memories.

What do I do?

The Lonely Road

 "I walk this lonely road, the only road that I have ever known."

Sometimes I just wonder if I'm destined to be in a relationship or to find romantic love. Now that's probably being overdramatic and overexaggerating everything, but it just seems like that I can't catch a break so to speak.

To be fair, I suppose the brief crush/liking for the one girl I mentioned awhile back, that was a bit fast. And then the one before that, I was even bold enough to try asking her out to be turned down over text despite getting a yes initially. That one hurt for sure. Prior to that I think there was technically one crush of sorts but that never went anywhere as I never really got to build a friendship with her. And then that brings us full circle to the one closest thing I had to a relationship (which then only spirals into the remainder of the other I think 20 crushes left from there, so if my math is correct 16 other crushes from 2014 to late 2019 when all of these more recent ones happened).

But this time, I thought that maybe I'd at the very least take it slower and build a friendship. There had been some hypothetical or overthought points of possible flirtation, but at the very least there was a good friendship building. And maybe I was already getting ahead of myself to even consider crush (also some other details that I've already gone over in previous posts).

It seemed like things were going well too. I mean if nothing else and if it ultimately resulted in a friendship only, that would've been fine as well. I mean there were good conversations that were upkept by both sides, for example when a customer came into work and we'd have to help them, once there was a moment, she picked the conversation back up and I didn't have to try to figure how to get it going again. Most of the time the conversations fall off because then we all get sidetracked doing work (which I suppose is expected considering we are there to work, but building friendships within the workplace never hurt anyone anyways).

As circumstances would have it, something happened (to which I know not what exactly) that apparently she is unable to work for "the next few weeks". We're not sure if that means she will ever be back at work or not, but that definitely just means I won't be able to at the very least build a friendship, or rather build more on the friendship. All I can do is hope all is well, and I've even sent a text wishing her well and saying general pleasantries of "if you need anything just let me know". I'd say something like that to any friend, not just people who I may or may not be interested in pursuing a deeper relationship with.

I guess part of this is me being bummed out on the friendship aspect too. Because as other circumstances would have it, a good number of the friends I have made from work are going to other jobs, finding something else for themselves, etc. that is leading to them resigning from the workplace. Now I knew that going into this job that no one really wants to work a foodservice job forever. At least not at the entry-level like many of us are doing. I am a slight exception in that I climbed to shift leader, but even I don't really want to climb any higher as I hope to eventually get out of the industry. Most of my friends I made at work are either high school age and they're off to college (I mostly worked with them during breaks) or the college-aged people (I'm technically college-aged I know) but them too I mostly worked with during breaks. For the few that were local and worked with me "year-round" they still have greater things in store for them (I mean so do I, they're just at a later stage or closer to their ultimate goals than I am but that's fine because everyone's life is different).

I guess I just feel like that I'm losing opportunities to socialize with people I have been able to call friend. So if not from just the aspect of potentially attempting to find a relationship, then at least just bonding interpersonally. I know that as summer approaches many of the college-aged people will be back and I'll see some familiar faces, but even then that's only for the summer. So I guess I just have to keep my head up and try to make the most of every moment with someone as I never know when they might decide to quit or something happens and they cannot come back to work whether short-term or permanently.