One Year Ago Today

It's not often that I return here, not since I "faded out" a couple months back to stop coming here every day to write something new. But this is something I need to get done. Maybe because it's rainy and the overall mood is lowered/gloomy. Maybe it's because of the date, October 29th, 2020. Maybe because things are miles different than what could have and arguably what should have been. Allow me to elaborate.

One year ago today, I was a student at Liberty University. And I'll be damned if that weren't one of the best things happening for me. The community I had around me with my dorm and hallmates. The memories I got to experience, the friends I've made, and the good laughs that were had came from that place. I miss it every day and I yearn to go back. But at the same time if I were to go back, I'd be older than the average, and I don't know if I'm searching to get something akin to the past. Am I chasing a high so to speak? A chance to recreate the last 2.5 years I've had there? Or do I really want to be there? What is it that's drawing me back? The past, or the present?

One year ago today, I was a man of 25-3, the best dorm in my opinion, well enough so that I stayed on that hall for the entirety of my time at LU. What does that mean, exactly? Well it was a place I would call my home away from home. A place where I could find fellowship literally a door over or across the hall. That I could walk into any room and find someone willing to talk or just hang out with. It was a place where I was reminded to be chivalrous, to be kind, to be a man rather than a boy. To learn to stand up for others, to fight for others, and to put others before oneself. It was the height of my manhood, and since then, well, I perceive myself to have fallen from grace. The childishness that became of me in my quickened temper and raging warpath. The destruction I led but was too blinded by loss, fear, anger, disbelief, and more that I could not see clearly.

One year ago today, my best friend was still my best friend. He was someone I had met by chance, just a random roommate assignment but we had kicked it off well and chose to live with each other for a second year. Someone who even when he moved off campus decided to come back to campus and spend time with me. Someone who I could count on and tell my darkest secrets without the fear of him being repulsed and pushed away. Someone who understood me for me and knew what I struggled with, as far as self-image and thinking no girl would ever want me. Someone who a year ago I would hope to be the best man for for his wedding. But all is lost now. There is some salvage but it's a very slow moving process and who knows to what extent things can and will be repaired to?

One year ago today, I was the Liberty Batman. A symbol and an idea to inspire myself to be more than who I was. To uphold hope and to be someone others can count on for a smile or to even shoulder their burdens. To be more than my own flesh and blood. To be a hero.

And the biggest point that inspired this whole thing...

One year ago today, I was friends with the girl who I would come to love and she would love me. To go on "adventures" as we would call them. Now at the time it was nothing more than the acknowledgement of a crush on her. But it developed within the following weeks into her crushing on me and creating this respite of finding someone who actually liked me back for once. To finally break the cycle of crush after crush, or rejection after rejection. Someone who I would learn what loving another really meant. To know that it is a committment, and to some extent a sacrifice. To give time to help and care for them. To support them in their times of need. To really enjoy who they are, even if the world points out their flaws. It would be through her getting sick around her birthday that we would postpone a celebration we planned and that my former best friend suggested we help bring her food, and I would offer her medicine.

All of the memories I have of her are fond ones. And it truly is a shame that because of my poor reaction, I pushed her away as a friend. Maybe a relationship wasn't destined for us in the long run, but I could have at least counted her amongst my friends rather than quite literally somebody that I used to know. To think of how much different things could have been if everything had gone "according to plan". That I'd be dating her now. That I'd be able to celebrate with her as tomorrow is her birthday. This is why today, October 29th, brings about this out of normal wave of sadness and hurt. Because in a different universe, I'd be with her, maybe planning something for tomorrow or taking her out tonight. Who knows what could have happened, but the point is that I will never know because this year is not what I had hoped for. I don't say that to come off as "2020 sucks" because yeah maybe it does, but I've gotten a lot of new friendships, work experience, a new place I can hang out digitally, and so much more that I wouldn't have gotten otherwise. Because of all the good, I don't even know if I would rather have things the way I have them now or to go back to the "original plan".

Maybe all of this is stupid, to have this much care for a girl who let go of me not too long after I lacked to return to school, despite my readiness to tackle the beast of a long distance relationship whether from my home to school of 452 miles, or my home to her home (as we only had 3 semesters left, in a perfect world) of 1,457 miles. I know I feel content in doing what I could have done, the best of what I could have done as far as apologizing and trying to make things right months after I made everything wrong. But it still hurts, knowing I could have been in a relationship with someone I could genuinely say I loved. It hurts knowing what could have been and not knowing what still is in store for me. It hurts to look back and think "one year ago today, things were so different."

I hope this feeling of sadness and hurt go away soon, but I can't shake the fact of how good I had things and how badly I messed up. I still have it very good, in its own unique and different way, but it's harder to process the here and now as there is uncertainty of what's next and if/when the next time will occur that will make my current look like the good ol' times, or on the brighter side of what's the next big thing for me. The past and using hindsight is so much easier to see what could have transpired.

I'm hurting and it's dumb that I'm hurting. I had made my peace with it all finally in 7 months since everything went nuclear. And now nearly 2 months after making that peace, here I am. I don't know what to do or where to go. But I hope there's still something out there for me. I'm finding myself back in the vicious cycle of thinking I'm ugly or thinking I'm not good enough for any girl, and I'm back to square one of wanting to find a relationship.

Faith would tell me I need to slow down and trust God and trust the process. Hell, I even told someone else the same exact thing just last night, and here I am unable to do the same thing I preach. Hypocrisy at its finest. And yeah, you could argue I'm human and I'll never be perfect nor always able to do or think the right and correct mindset, but that doesn't change the way I feel or think in this moment.

I guess I'll leave it at that and maybe try to distract myself. Thank you for your time to read this and I'd be more than happy to try to talk it out if you want, just send me a message. I don't know for sure on that one, but I guess we'll see. Time to practice what I preach and trust God and follow blindly but by faith.

Arrogance

 To think it took this long to finally realize it about myself, but I guess as the saying goes, "better late than never." The only problem is will I actually do anything about it so as to improve myself and not be just hot air spewing from my mouth. To really let what I do define me, not who I say I am underneath ;)

Recently, I've had to work with a new hire whose age is near triple my own. A person who has never worked in foodservice and didn't really know the ins and outs of health and safety guidelines for a food industry. But then if you think about it, I knew nothing myself about 8 months ago.

Maybe it is partially due to immaturity since I am only 21. Not to say that's an excuse, but the fact is there. I am immature still and honestly probably will be for a little while until I work on myself more. Anyhow, I noticed that I had this subconscious arrogance about myself. I would think to myself "x is so obvious, how does this guy who is 60+ not understand it?" But think, Geoff, you didn't know much of anything when you started, so why would you think someone in a similar position as yourself (at the start) would know any better? Just because they have 40 years of life on you? I mean sure, some things are common sense, but if you never had to deal with it, why would you know?

So I realized that sometimes in the heat of the moment, during the lunch rush, I would get so easily flustered or agitated towards this coworker because of something I thought was easy to understand but in reality is trivial if no one properly taught him how to do it. For example, something random like the "giant" sized BLT would get 12 strips of bacon, but how would you know that it gets that many if you never put a BLT together? That also wouldn't be the only thing either. I would find other things that would be a point of me being rude towards him, and then it isn't until hours later, when I am home and have wound down from work that I realize "maybe I shouldn't be such a butt to him." Because in all honesty if someone were to treat me the way I treated him when I started, I probably would have quit. And what gives me any authority? The fact that I worked for 1,000+ hours at this store now? No, that's no excuse.

It turns out that this coworker is being transferred to another store because I suppose that's where they need him more, so I decided to apologize for my negative attitude towards him. As I suspected, he was able to see right through me from when I was being cross or being kind. He was being polite about it and said that "it's okay, in the heat of the moment things can become irritating when you have to train a new person," as well as, "had I been in your shoes, I'd probably do the same." I sort of doubt he would exactly be the same, but maybe he was trying to help me feel better? I'm not sure. The point is I was mean, and unnecessarily so, towards this guy who was just trying to earn an honest living, and I guess I let it all get to my head because I'm ever so slowly working towards a promotion (yeah I don't know why that's taking forever to get put through), or whatever other reason contributes to it all.

What I need to do for my future is to remember where I started; to remember where I've been. To acknowledge that different people have different knowledges and wisdoms in various and differing areas of expertise. That just because something seems obvious to me, doesn't mean it's obvious. I work the industry, so naturally I'd know about it. But someone new wouldn't know much or anything about it. I need to work on being kinder and to slow my temper just because someone isn't learning as fast as I'd like them to. It also gets me wondering, how many other people have I turned sour towards myself because I thought I knew everything and gave off arrogant vibes. Maybe some of my fallouts in the past (more than just this year's too) has been because of my arrogance.

To better myself for myself and for the people in and around my life, I want to start making a better effort to watch what I say and how I act, especially as I am considered for various leadership positions in various areas of my life. What kind of leader is arrogant and has no regard for those just starting in a similar position the leader once was in?

Time to sharpen myself up and time to make myself a better man. To work more towards being heroic, like I dream and desire to be.