So as you may know, unless this happens to be your first post that you read from my blog (if it is, hello, hi, my name is Geoff, and you're about to be really confused, so just sit tight and hold on and I'll try my best to make things as clear as possible no matter how short or how long you've followed along), I have been trying to heal my heart, my mind, and my soul. Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration.
What isn't an exaggeration is the fact I have to do some healing. As I work on it, I realize that there are just some things that will effectively be burned permanently into my mind/my memory and it's just up to me how I will choose how to view these memories whenever they pop up (thanks to the brain for being weird and remembering the most random of things at the most random of times, and not something like that project or that paper I had to write).
Memories of the first hug I got from Sophia, the first time I snuggled with her, held her hand, walked her back to her dorm, leaned my head on her shoulder, her leaning on my shoulder, when we went to Walmart and Target to try to find "Mini Brands" and left with the DVD collection of Avatar: The Last Airbender and "Surprizimals", late night Waffle House runs, etc. It's up to me how I want to choose to react when the memories come up. I can choose to be sad and miss those times and just fill myself with regret. I can choose to blame myself for ruining myself in my college education and losing every chance I could have and would have had with Sophia. I could choose to become hateful towards myself, and even towards Sophia for giving me something so precious and then now losing it all.
Or, and this is the way I'm leaning towards, I could be happy I got to experience those things. To find joy in learning what it meant to love someone other than myself and my family. To be ecstatic when I could be someone else's hero. To just find happiness and fondness that I even have these memories. I could choose to be negative, but I can just as easily choose to be positive and look at the bright side of everything.
The benefit to being more positive is primarily that I become a more positive person and just remember all the good things. Sure, nostalgia will one day kick in and I'll miss those times. I already miss my high school days, my marching band days, etc. But they are all good memories. I might be a tiny bit sad that those are no longer my life now, but if I hadn't experienced it and couldn't look back on the fun times I had, then what's the point of living? I find that while there must be some greater purpose for my life, a portion of it is also about creating and cherishing memories with other people and doing activities with them. To know that I had a good run and that life is full of many wonders and great things, so I shouldn't get hung up on sadness and missing everything that I miss the new opportunities to create more memories that I can add to my collection of good times.
I used to say that you should always find the good in each moment you have because you will never know when the "good times" are until they are gone. But now I see it differently: cherish every moment, even the ones that seem to be bad, because each moment is unique and can teach you something, as well as everything can become a part of "the good times" and that your life can be good and it can be positive. Sure some days are better than others. Sure some days just absolutely suck. But as a whole each period of time that we live is a time for us to develop and to learn that we can make the good times permanent in our lives. It may take on different forms in different things that excite us, or different people that we interact with, or just different anything so it never is exactly the same as a previous "good time", but it can still be its own unique "good time".
What I'm trying to say is that I am starting to feel a change within me. That while I once got sad over missing the fun and great memories and times I created with Sophia since she was the first girl to say she loved me and for me to be able to tell that I loved her, I want to just be happy I got those moments. Maybe she's moved on and so should I, but I got the privilege to have known her on a closer level, and that is in and of itself a gift. Not everyone would open up to me, and the fact that she did is something special. So I want to train myself to just be happy I got those moments, if even so short as they were, and just find joy in it all. To make them fond memories rather than sad memories.
I know not if I get to create more memories with Sophia even as friends because of the way I had abandoned her in taking her words (that were trying to help me heal) too harshly, but I hope that when the time is right and I post the blog titled "Restitution" (oh no, have I said too much about the semi-secret post? I don't know who reads here but if any of the people I addressed Restitution to still check here, I don't know if it's time yet), that I can make amends wherever they will allow me because after all I don't really deserve a third chance. I was already given a second chance, I think, and I might've blown it 3 weeks ago. But if I do get to try once again, as they say "third time's the charm", right? Do it right, do it better, and move on so I can enable myself to be better. Side note: I don't want to make it sound like I'm actively pursuing a rekindling of the friendship since I don't know if that is even in the plans for my life, but what I mean is that if something comes naturally and flows on its own without being forced and without any of me blaming myself for what happened or just anything of being stuck in these past couple of months, then maybe a friendship could be good. Why not have more friends? Community is what builds us up, and abandonment is what breaks us down, so if the opportunity presents itself, I will take it. If not, I'll say what I have to say and then I'll move on without another word. Whatever my life leads to or wherever it goes, I will follow.
I'm feeling good and maybe this is healing. I don't know, so what do you say this is?
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