A Better Life

Okay okay so I might've let my curiosity get the better of me. But you know what? I don't care.

I opened the message that was sent to me, in attempts to apologize for the wording of saying I needed to find new friends and move on. Supposedly that was said to put space between myself and someone I don't even know where I stand with anymore. Once best friends, once people with mutual attraction to each other, once in love with each other, to at odds because one idiot (me) was immature, to awkward radio silence, to rebuilding a friendship, and now wherever we are now. Maybe that was a run on sentence, but I'm no grammar expert.

Anyways, that space was an attempt to get me to "heal and make a better life". And you know what, maybe she was right. Because I sure as hell am making a better life. No more expending energy trying to make a friendship work that wasn't being tried on both sides. Sure I should initiate and lead, but if it's a one way effort, I don't want it. No more trying to make things work even as friends, so now I have extra time and extra energy. Now I can focus on myself and make myself happy. Do whatever I want.

Whatever I end up doing, it's whatever. I don't know where it's going to take me, but I don't care. I'll do whatever makes me happy and whatever satisfies me. I'm not going to make contact with her because I'm, well, for one not in the right head space to do that. Two, I don't think it's worth my time right now. Sorry if that sounds selfish or whatever. But hey, I matter just as much as making and keeping friendships matter.

Maybe one day I'll reach out, but for now it's gonna be a hard pass. It's going to be radio silence. It'd take some miracle if anything is to happen again. I just want her to realize she can't tell me to do one thing and then apologize for it in the same 24 hours. I don't care if I'm hypocritical. I don't care about any of that anymore. I'm doing what I want.

I'm angry, and this anger gives me a feeling of power. And I admittedly like it. It feels good. The only good thing that I've felt ever since 2020 started. So you can bet your bottom dollar I'm going to chase this good feeling for a long time.

So yes indeed, I am making a better life.