It's late. 1:23 a.m. as the start time on April 8th, 2024. I'm awake because.... well I have no reason to be awake nor asleep right away. "Tomorrow" is the total solar eclipse hitting a good portion of the continental US, my short shift got cut shorter so even if I were sleep deprived, 2 hours of work is nothing.
I scrolled mindlessly on tiktok for probably the last hour or so, thinking I'd eventually fall asleep. As I kept scrolling, just post after post about mental health, how it was directed at the viewer that everything is not okay, that the viewer has been smiling through the pain, the brokenness, the feeling of being lost and alone. That happiness was feigned, that while there are moments of joy they are fleeting.
And I felt it. I "reposted" some of them using TikTok's repost function. I feel there's some need for me to be heroic, that I must do and commit myself to grandiose acts just so that I can be seen, I can be noticed, I can be adored. I feel as though sometimes no one truly cares about me in the way I want them to. I know my family loves me, but I still feel alone. I feel lost in life, I'm closing in on 25 in a few months, if everything goes relatively smoothly I'll finally have my Associate's Degree just barely a month from now. And I have some half baked plan of what's next.
I feel I've gotten too comfortable, so complacent that I feel no rush to discover who I am to be. I feel this yearning that I need to and should be more by now. I have friends in careers or studying for their doctorate and here I am, part time lifeguard, part time community college.
I know my worth and my life does not come from those around me. I know that my life is mine and mine alone that I will go at the pace I was meant to go. My faith tells me that all the while there is still a plan for me and this is part of the plan, to trust God that this is where I am supposed to be. But it's hard to hang on when the world makes you feel like you're so far behind. It's hard to stick to faith when the world makes it so easy to fall away and indulge in the pleasures of the world.
And it's hard to navigate this world where everyone seems to be in a happy relationship, people older and younger all finding someone who chooses them and I can't find one person who chooses me and stays with me. To give me a chance to show I can be whatever is needed.
Maybe that's why I do what I do. Maybe that's why I opt for being as big and strong as possible in the gym. Sure a 6 pack gets you attention, but so does letting out an animalistic scream as you rip 500+ lbs off the ground. Maybe that's why I opted to donate a mass of money to a friend's charity stream for St. Jude, because I wanted the attention. Maybe that's why I try to build my entire social media profiles to reflect and interact with Lindsey Stirling so that my hero can acknowledge me.
But who am I?
What am I becoming or what have I become? Is this all that I am? Someone who works in the shadows, has to smile as life throws punch after punch, to just get up every time he's knocked down and just wipe his chin and walk away? Am I nothing more than just a temporary and fleeting moment in people's lives that they only care about me if I draw enough attention my way by chatting a ton in discord servers, pinging people to answer a question, doing anything that gets my name out there. Am I someone that someone else would choose?
I don't know what I'm looking for, I don't know who I am. Maybe it's just late and maybe I'll feel better once I sleep and wake in the morning when the sun's up in the sky. Maybe everything is okay and I'm okay, that I am somewhat desirable in some capacity to someone.
Or maybe I'm not and this is all the truth just unfiltered and raw for what it's worth.
Maybe I've written enough, maybe I should lay down and call it a night. The darkness is consuming me and already got its fair share of wrath in. I think I'll go to bed, some nearly 20 minutes of midnight blogging.
All I want to know is: am I enough? Do people actually care about me, or do I always have to be the one to reach out or say something first and then people will talk? Does anyone ever think about me? Why do I feel so alone? I know there are people who will readily say they are my friends, or my family would tell me they love me, but if I don't ask would I ever be told as such?
I suppose here is where I should end it, this is becoming a nasty rabbit hole of questions that aren't fair to the people closest to me. I'll share this post around, I suppose, to try to feign some sense of vulnerability. Well not that I'm trying to fake it this is truly how I am feeling, but I don't want to seem like all it is is some act. This is the real deal. This is what lays behind that big, goofy smile, the joking of splitting people in half with all my strength, the silliness of a guy wishing to be like Batman and be heroic as needed, and the guy you all know as Geoff.
And if you're worried about me, I'm not going anywhere. This is not a goodbye, I just wanted to get it off my late night mind. I have some Lindsey Stirling concerts to go to this summer, and here returns the mask of the jokes and silly reasons for sticking around, but I guess any reason is a good reason if it means you can be guaranteed I'm not doing anything dangerous or rash.
Good night.
