'19, '20, '21, '22: The Comeback

 First and foremost, here is an inspirational picture that inspired this.

Now that we got that in, let's begin.

When I first saw this, I only acknowledged the second line and the fourth line. I saw that it said that "2020 broke me" and the "2022 I'm coming back" and thought that if nothing else of this picture applies, these two statements do. But as I began to think about it, the entirety of the inspirational message (granted that that's only another 2 lines of writing) does apply to me in one way or another.

2019: This year was the year that entailed my final two semesters at Liberty before taking my hiatus from schooling. Of course at the start of that year, I hadn't known that the end of my time at LU was drawing near, but I still had so much fun and had varying perspectives about myself and the people I had surrounded myself by. This would also be the year that I made an effort and declared to become the Batman.

Spring 2019 was loaded with fun. It was ultimately a powder keg waiting to blow, and it eventually did. But until that point, I would like to think that everyone involved had some level of fun and that it was enjoyable until things went south. As you may know, I "troll" the comment section of the Facebook page, LU Crushes. And as a result that would lead me to joining an on-campus group meeting the other "trolls" and we became the "LU Crush Trolls". It was full of many dark humor jokes, Cards Against Humanity, and a lot of fun. It would come to a close, but man those couple of months were undeniably fun. We hung out so much together, texted all the time, and it was great if you're looking for a super social environment. As the group started straining due to differences in ideologies and as the early phases of "everything is great" melted away, we all began to notice and nitpick each others' faults. And while sometimes it's necessarily, there would be a certain level of toxicity entailed with it because no one really knew how to critique the others, and all of us had a level of immaturity about us. Maybe I still have some immaturities, but it is what it is and I must take accountability for my fair share of it. It would be during this time frame that I was physically trying to train myself to prepare for my 1st degree black belt test that would occur in the summer break once I came home for the "year" (as spring semester usually marks the end of one school year). And because some of the people within the group knew of my adoration for the comic book hero, Batman, they gamified the way I looked at working out to help keep me on track. At one point or another, it would become arguably obsessive and would lead to others finding a disdain for whenever I talked about Batman in general or gym progress. Words were even said that told me "you will never be the Batman, so stop talking about it and get your head out of fantasyland." Maybe not word for word, but that was how it sounded to me and it made me take a step back as I realized that while I was maybe a bit obsessive on it, it was ruining the fun that they had started for me and that I was continuing just to keep myself motivated to train hard in the gym. So eventually, after I had made my leave, I created the Liberty Batman. I told myself, "well, if they don't think I can be Batman, I'll show 'em what for and become the Batman anyways. I will make it so that they cannot deny me and I am the only one who can say whether I am or am not the Batman."

And thus, I took my first step into knighting myself as the Caped Crusader.

Fall 2019 was a lot of fun, even potentially more fun than even then spring. It was a lot more good-natured fun and events than before, was never toxic while we were together, and it helped me find some good friends, and ultimately a brief moment of being in a relationship and caring for another. It had formed the Liberty Batphamily, and it was all in good fun. Nearly weekly get togethers and we would just eat lunch or a meal and enjoy each other's time. Played a lot of Minecraft together and did various outings together. Overall, no hard feelings about the way things went, it just wasn't meant to be forever.

So as a whole, 2019 stretched me in various directions. From chaotic fun that brought out some of our weaknesses, to wholesome goodness that helped to strengthen each other and work on those weaknesses.

2020: Now for many reasons that most can relate to, this year was tough. It broke a lot of people, and some in varying ways. This would be the year that I find out my actions have consequences. I mean I knew that every action has result one way or another, but it would be this year that I would realize the true weight of what words can do. In response to me taking a hiatus from schooling, the little bit of a relationship that I had fell apart, and me being severely immature at the time (not to say I'm not immature now, I just hope less so and people do tell me I've grown and I've changed, so here's hoping) I responded poorly and destroyed everything that was left of the Batphamily. It would also ruin a 2.5 year friendship I had created with someone I met on chance with dorm life (luckily this friendship would heal and resolve towards the end of the year, and this time I'm not going to ruin it again. At least I would hope not). 

Furthermore, with no schooling, I got a job. That's not what broke me, but just experiencing something new. A full time, fast food/foodservice job, it teaches you a lot. And also I would try to fill the void of the heartbreak by attempting to ask out a coworker, which compounded the breaking in the romantic field of things (honestly I don't think I'm ever going to try to ask out a coworker as it's usually frowned upon and if anything I'd wait for them to ask me out to spare me the pain). I spent many an hour, many days, weeks, months, just trying to heal from the heartbreak. And while yes you could say that it wasn't much of a relationship only lasting just about 2 months, but I'm an emotional guy, I get attached easily, and my loyalty holds me on stronger than I'd like to admit sometimes. Not that those are bad traits, it's just bad if a break up happens. I would find myself frequently authoring on this blog, and a lot of days I'd just mindlessly go in to work, come home, play some video games, rinse and repeat. Also not to mention the whole beginning of the pandemic that's still going on, but at least now there's vaccines and such right? Also I'm not going much more into that as I want to try to avoid politics (not sure why vaccinations are political but they are) or anything of the sort on this blog. I'm just a guy opening up and writing about various things, not a political commentator.

2021: This year has been flying by super duper fast. I've taken my shots at re-attempting school (to which isn't working as well this fall semester as I would've liked, but it wasn't terrible during the spring semester) and I've also started going to the gym again, which halted in October 2019 after my black belt test. Not that that training was super serious as it mainly focused on upper body and pretty much nothing on lower body. The typical gym bro who loves to bench and that's about it, not realizing that the lower body is just as important if not more important than the upper body. Now I do full body training and I've seen a lot of visual progress, strength progress, and also have seen my weight skyrocket, which is hopefully due to muscle mass as I can't figure where the fat is since I don't seem to be any fatter, then again I hardly take pictures of myself.

I also got fired from my job (which you can read about in a post titled "The Fire Rises" or something like that, it's just me making a Dark Knight reference). Then I found a new online community to be a part of and it's been a lot of fun connecting to new people, hanging out with people I've met previously from different avenues in life, and now I'm looking at potentially trying trade school if book schooling isn't working for me/not driving enough interest to get me to sit down and study. I definitely have a lot of exploration to do before I can claim that I really know what it is I want to do with my life, but I have taken everything I've learned over the last two years even and have begun to find/search for something that may be my life's calling, whatever it is, wherever that takes me, and whenever it arrives.

2022: Honestly I have no clue what to expect from next year. I would like to think that I'd maybe give trade school a try and start it up at one point or another. I'd like to think I'd continue my gym progress as it's been an easy three day per week regimen that's so far lasted about nine months, give or take a couple weeks for vacationing, but it still is longer than my six months of a four day per week schedule back in 2019. Whatever this upcoming year has in store for me, I would like to hope I'm ready for it. I'm not entirely sure what it would mean for me to make a comeback, but if it gets me to move forward in one, two, three, or even all aspects in life, then by all means, let's do it.

Yet again another long-winded post, but I think this is important to take some time and reflect on a longer period of time. This time it's three cumulative years and finding a hope for the next year in the future. To analyzing everything that has transpired and learning whatever it is I can from the mistakes others have made and more importantly the mistakes that I have made myself and still am learning about through them. To dig back and learn from the past week or past month is relatively easy and you never really get a chance to see where you were. But to step back and look at a longer time frame as what I just have done, it gives hope knowing the places you were in just two to three years ago that now can help you become the person you always were meant to be.

I used to say it back then, but I think I can say it now as I've seen my own perseverance get tested and I think has grown through trial and error and trial by fire:

I am vengeance

I am the night

I am Batman

Is It True?

 I feel that sometimes the most common saying these days when there's uncertainty or the unknown ahead is that people would tell about how things get better. How one would "figure it out" or to not have to worry because there is something greater coming soon. How there's more to life than what one feels on the daily basis. How it seems to be so easy to determine or discern what I am to do with my life because life isn't really free to live, there is so many costs to living in the modern society to have all the accesses to the advancements in life and luxuries of today.

I feel that sometimes it's just easier to tell someone who is lost that "you'll find your way" or that "tomorrow is better." I find that sometimes the here and now or in the moment it seems good, but that I have no real plan nor do I find any motivation or any action within myself to develop or work on something for that tomorrow. That I'm just constantly on borrowed time. That the reason I'm still kicking is because I've had so many mercies and graces in life. That I've been given a roof over my head, a place to sleep, a car to drive, food on the table, etc., all because my parents have allowed me to live at home. The most I've done for myself was finally pick up a full time job, but even then if I had been asked to told to move out of the house, I wouldn't even be able to survive because of the low payrate that I had for being unskilled labor and without a degree. That even with the full time job, I still had it easy, that at best it just gave me spending money and something to do rather than sit at home every day like I do now.

I mean I'm supposed to be studying with my online classes. I'm supposed to look into finding another job since being fired, to just get something, even if it's a part-time and doesn't exactly give me as many hours or even pay as much, just to have something. I'm supposed to be able to figure out what it is I want to do in life as the pressure is applied and that I've also created some illusion that I'll be done with my online associate's degree by the end of the fall 2022 semester, but I've not really been keeping up with my academics in favor of procrastination or whatever else just entices me to not sit down and put in the work. I don't find motivation to do school, and while I know that it could help me excel in life, I find that academics may not be the best path for me because I can never get myself to stay still long enough to get through it.

I know that if I think that deep down that academics isn't the way to go then I should just seriously look for a job in which maybe I can take up some skills and maybe work my way up through it. A field that I could see myself doing or at least bearing through in order to have something to pay the bills when the time comes for me to need to do so. But I just don't really know where to look because I've become complacent and I've become comfortable. I know that starting a new job will be a bit uncomfortable as I learn the lay of the land, but then I guess I did that back in February 2020, and I managed to make it work and learned how to just go with the flow for the majority of the 20 months that I did work. I know that there will never really be any point in which total comfort is achieved, but that's sometimes fine as that helps to challenge and make me grow.

Now I'm not going to continue on in the whole philosophical department because I know all of these things yet I don't do anything with that so called knowledge. I guess whenever I hear people tell me that things will be okay or that things will get better, I have a deep desire to want to believe them. To take that and know that maybe it's not my literal tomorrow but that something will come and I will be able to find my way through life. But I also rear back every time I hear that saying because I just don't believe it to be true. Maybe it's because I lack guidance and maybe I just don't know what to ask or even who to ask to help guide me along the way. I don't even know why I don't try to search for someone to ask but I guess if I had known the answer to any of those questions, I wouldn't be here now, right? Sitting here in the dark, late at night, wondering what even is the purpose to life and what am I supposed to be doing?

I just don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I know what I want to believe, I know that I want to find something that gives me fulfillment. I know I have all these dreams and goals in life. To one day have a relationship and maybe even my own family. To be successful and own a house or something. To be able to lift X many pounds on Y exercise as a personal feat of strength. To one day grow old with someone and just be able to say that I've lived a good life. But even with all of that, that's the destination and I haven't a clue of how to get there.

What doesn't help is that as someone who occasionally claims to be a man of faith, I see posts on social media claiming the ends of time is coming. That the rapture or just the book of Revelations is coming true and that I must yield and be faithful to be taken from the world and brought into heaven. And while I don't know if that means it's really happening or not, sometimes I wish the end of times is coming and I wish that it comes soon. I find that I don't even care if my faith has been strong enough to get me in to heaven and I would accept just entering the void and disintegrating into nothingness. I mean what even lays beyond the fragility of life?

I don't really know what to believe. There is so much that I want to believe. There is so much that I want to do. But I just don't know how to get there or what path I must take. I don't know who to ask or what is true or what isn't. I just want some things to go a certain way but I have no control over anything. I don't know who I am, and I just feel lost.